


blackwhite

by trxnch (thiccjimothy)



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: BoyxBoy, Gay, Homosexual, Jishwa, M/M, Rainbows, and other things, bye, fall out boy - Freeform, greyscale, if u don't like gay, joshler - Freeform, luvv, no color, so please be careful, there are mentions of abuse, trigger warning, twenty one pilots - Freeform, tyjo, v gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-10-20 06:51:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 30
Words: 49,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10657212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thiccjimothy/pseuds/trxnch
Summary: everyone is born with it.no one can see color, everything is just black and white. it’s been like this for as long as anyone could remember, just like how people are born with bellybuttons or eyes or teeth. no one has questioned it, it’s just been a part of life.josh wasn’t any different.he couldn’t care less about what colors he saw when he was younger, all he wanted to do was swing on the swings or play with his friends. but now, he started to wonder about why he couldn’t see what a red was, or perhaps even a turquoise. he’s been meaning to find these colors, though. he’s dated people in the past, but he’s never seen any real color.maybe it’s because he hasn’t been in real love before. that was his goal, to finally see what the bright world of colors had to offer for him.he’d just have to wait and see.





	1. {joshua}

**Author's Note:**

> (A.N. PLEASE READ
> 
> okay so i'm posting it and i will continue writing it, if you see this before a chapter:
> 
> ! 
> 
> in bold, that means that there is something triggering coming up, please be safe.
> 
> but i wrote this a hella long time ago and opened it recently and i'm not disappointed 
> 
> enjoy!
> 
> p.s. if there's anything out of place/you don't see fits, let me know and i'll do my best to fix it :))

josh drove down to his favorite place to pass the time, the little cafe downtown with the sweet old ladies who worked behind the counter. they always gave him free food, josh appreciated it, but he’d much rather sit and talk with them about their lives. he found out that izzibella, one of the workers there, didn’t see any color like he did, until she found her now deceased husband.

stories like this just fed josh’s hunger for seeing more colors.

he stopped at the light, the circle colored in on the lowest of the three. his mother told him that the first one is go, the middle one is slow down, and the bottom on is stop. he still had a little bit of trouble with them though, getting a few traffic tickets sometimes.

he sighed, parking in a spot across the street from the cafe he loved so much. he pondered of something great – that is, seeing rainbows. he would just have to wait for it to come to him, just like old age. he didn’t mind, nor did he try to stop the inevitable, but he still wished upon shooting stars every now and then.

he greeted the ladies at the counter with a smile, he could feel his eyes crinkle up at the corners.

“hello, josh. how are you today?”

“hi, sandy. i’m alright, how about yourself?” he asked, walking up to the counter.

“oh, i’m fabulous. would you like anything?”

“can i just have a cup of coffee please? just plain black.” he asked, leaning against the counter.

she nodded, calling over to rebecca to make it. josh liked these ladies a lot, they were like his best friends. most people would call that pathetic, but josh didn’t care. he loved the old ladies and that’s all that mattered, not what anyone else thinks.

“here you go, josh.” sandy handed him the cup of steaming, hot, dark liquid, him thanking her and giving her a ten dollar bill.

“josh, it’s only 2 bucks.” sandy held up the bill in her hands, he wrinkled fingers softly clutching the grey paper.

“i know, but please keep it. you all do so much for me and it’s the least i could do to thank you.”

which was true, these ladies helped him out in more ways than he could think of, from when he was in college dealing with boy problems or now when he’s just dealing with himself.

“thank you, josh. we appreciate this.”

josh nodded, going over to a table near the large window so he could gaze at the passersby and flashes of shiny cars driving down the busy road near the cafe. it was quite empty today, only a few people finishing up scones and their coffees. josh looked down at his own coffee.

he wondered if it actually was black, as it looked pitch black from his perspective. maybe it was that weird yellow color people always talk about, or perhaps it was silver, or – ooo! – what if it was gold? josh’s heart beat with excitement as he thought about all the different colors this coffee could be.

he still wanted to know what turquoise was. the word reminded him of happiness, even though he knew that happiness isn’t a color.

the doorbell chimed, and naturally josh looked over at whoever entered the cafe. it was a boy, wearing a coat and black jeans, his short hair in a quiff and his converse patting against the wooden floor as he walked in. josh could see that his entire body was in different shades of grey, from his hair to the coat that hid his hands with its pockets, to the dark greys on his eyebrows or framing his eyes.

his skin was a lighter grey though.

he smiled politely at the boy, who caught his eye and quickly smiled back, josh noticing the dark dimple that stained his cheek. he went up to sandy behind the counter, and by then josh’s attention was focused back outside the window, not being one to really eavesdrop on people’s conversations.

his frame of mind was interrupted as he heard the scraping of metal stool against the hardwood floor and looked over to see that same exact boy was sitting at the table right next to him, a cookie in his right hand. he stared out the window like josh was doing, absentmindedly eating his chocolate chip cookie and watching the environment. josh payed no mind to the boy, finishing his cup of coffee and leaving the coffee shop after about an hour or two of talking to his old ladies.

he drove down the grey road, the light at the top of the three and he quickly found his house through the greyscale that is his vision. josh walked into his grey house, the homeowner telling him that it was beige and black. josh could see the black part on the roof, but as for the beige – for him it was just like an old man’s hairline – nonexistent.

he walked in, having nothing to do for the rest of the afternoon, so he called his friend pete. pete started to see rainbows after he met this man named patrick. pat was nice, he made pete happy. josh hoped to find someone that would make him see rainbows like that.

“josh?” pete’s warm voice flooded through the phone, instantly making josh feel at home. josh could faintly see his greyscale starting to turn into dull different colors, as he loved pete as his friend.

“hi, pete! are you busy tonight?” josh asked, sitting crisscross-applesauce in the middle of his floor.

he didn’t necessarily know exactly what color the hardwood was, but he knew it was pretty dark based on the shade of grey he saw.

“no, i’m free. why?”

“can we go clubbing?” josh asked.

josh smiled slightly as he heard pete chuckle from the other side of the phone.

“if you want to. i’ll bring pat and andy and joe.”

“okay!” josh’s voice got a little higher from excitement, there was nothing like dancing in bright lights and drinking until you saw double.

josh wasn’t really much of a drinker, though, but he liked trying new things. he saw something neatly handwritten on the chalkboard menu behind the counter that looked really interesting the last time he went, and he was planning on trying it.

“i’ll see you in five minutes. be ready, okay?” pete said.

josh hummed in agreement before hanging up the phone, his world going grey again.

he sighed, standing up and looking in the mirror by his door. he parted his eyelids between his thumb and forefinger, opening his eye and leaning in towards the mirror, convinced that there was something wrong with his eyes. using his other eye, he examined it, looking up, down, and sideways. there was no problem, but he figured maybe getting his eyes checked professionally would solve his greyscale issue.

after a short while of just lounging around and discovering vases and paintings he forgot were even in his house, he heard a horn of a car right outside. he peeked through the blinds to see pete’s dark car blending in with the black of night, the headlights casting two light grey cones on the road ahead of it. he practically ran outside, excited to go out with his friends.

he walked through his yard quickly and carefully, making sure there wasn’t any hidden things on the ground that camouflaged with the dark that he could fall on, and got into pete’s unlocked car. his vision started to get some color, the grey becoming a light array of hues that he’d seen before. he could still see the grey, but hey, they were there.

“hey, josh.” pete said, looking at him through the driver’s mirror.

his bleached blonde hair was tamed with a black snapback, light stubble around his mouth. his pink lips were stretched across his shiny, white teeth as he smiled at josh.

“greetings, everyone.”

with that, pete turned on the radio and a song started playing that josh hadn’t heard of. he shot andy a questioning look from the backseat, who smiled smugly and nodded his head to the music.

“this is our mixtape. we were actually able to get together and make music. which is easy for me, i know a lot about music.” joe said, his figure invisible in the dark car.

“oh, yeah? i know a lot more about music. listen to this.” patrick then started doing what josh knew as a “riff”, even though he’s never heard one in real life, and _wow,_ did patrick have a good voice.

patrick shut his eyes tightly as his soft, light hair swayed with every dramatic head movement he would make as he sang. he held his hand up, moving it with him when he riffed.

this caused everyone in the car to laugh, and josh could see the colors getting a little brighter through his squinty eyes as he smiled widely.

he loved these guys a lot.


	2. {encounter}

the club was drenched in loud music and the smell of booze, something josh didn’t really care for, but he didn’t mind either. he followed his friends through the tight squeeze of people dancing and jumping up and down to the beat. sometimes his colors would fade in and out as he lost his friends through the crowd, and began searching for them, his greyscale becoming more and more prominent as his friends separated from him.

josh sighed and made a face, knowing he’d be disappointed because he wouldn’t get to see his colors. the whole point of going somewhere is to see the beauty of the area, and josh didn’t know what color the strobe lights were supposed to be anymore. hell, he forgot what color shirt he was wearing.

he needs to start paying more attention.

he sat down at the counter, seeing the chalkboard still had that interesting thing he wanted to try. he ordered it when the bartender asked him what he wanted, and as he waited for the drink to be ready, he noticed someone slide into the stool next to him.

he didn’t even look over to them, he just admired the various bottles of liquor on the shelves behind the counter. he imagined all those bottles toppling over; that wouldn’t be good, and it would be expensive to replace each and every one of them.

he felt a poke on his shoulder and turned his head towards the person who touched him. he saw a very attractive girl around his age, maybe a little younger. she had striking light eyes and blonde hair, her makeup a darker grey than her face, but nothing too dramatic.

“hi.” he said softly, not really good with meeting strangers. he felt like washed up potato on a beach right now.

“hey, i’m jenna.”

she stuck out her hand for him to shake, her manicured nails painted with a light color, josh wanted to say turquoise, but of course, he’s never seen that color before. he gladly accepted it, holding onto her soft hand with his own, shaking it slightly.

“josh.”

jenna proceeded to talk to him about what he was doing here and what he liked. he thought jenna was really cool. unlike most of the girls he meets at clubs, she didn’t try to get in his pants, she just wanted to be friends. josh didn’t have many friends, so he was up to it.

jenna was in the middle of talking to josh when a group of giggly girls came up to her, except for one. it was the same guy with the coat from the coffee shop. he was wearing a simple grey shirt, dark grey pants to go along with it. his shoes were white and they looked like converse, josh already liking his sense of style.

the boy didn’t even notice josh until the group of girls stopped giggling as they looked up at josh.

“hey, you’re cute.” one of them said, making josh feel weird on the inside and his cheeks started to get warm.

“thanks.” he smiled softly, looking at the empty glass of the interesting drink he got.

it was shit, by the way, but josh didn’t mind. he’ll just try something else next time.

“we’re all hanging out tonight, would you want to come with?” a girl with darker hair asked, twirling a strand of it in her fingers.

by “hangout”, josh figured it could either mean three things, all of them pretty bad and they were strangers to him. he didn’t trust strangers.

“um, i’m actually with some people here. but maybe we could hang out some other time?” josh offered, _really_ hoping they said no to it.

but of course, they said “sure!” and josh internally groaned.

he didn’t like being around girls a lot, especially the ones that flirted too much. and if chewing your gum too loudly so that he could see their teeth or batting their false lashes would make him see their dreamy eyes wasn’t flirting, then josh was blind as a bat.

“well, here, why don’t we exchange numbers so we could actually hang out? you seem like a nice guy, let’s get to know each other!” jenna said.

josh didn’t mind jenna, she was laid back and didn’t bend over backwards to make josh notice her.

“okay.”

soon, josh had jenna’s number written neatly on his forearm, the digits looking like a tattoo of a secret code or date a billion years from now. josh liked the first option, and kept it hidden in his long-sleeved flannel to ensure it was kept a secret. he didn’t like exposure, and didn’t want people knowing his business, even if it was something as little as exchanging numbers with a potential friend.

josh then embarked on his journey to find his most likely wasted friends, probably shitfaced and using the gloryholes in the bathroom. josh didn’t know why those existed, but whatever. he checked there first, and walking in on two people who he guessed couldn’t make it to a stall, so they thought they should just continue on the dirty floor.

okay.

“pete? patrick?” he called, covering his eyes with his hands as he said their names a little louder than the noises coming from the floor.

he heard no response, so he used his elbows in front of him to navigate through the bathroom and make sure he didn’t bump into anything, his hands still over his eyes. if there was one thing josh didn’t want to see tonight, it was exactly that. it worked for a little bit, but then he bumped into something hard, but soft too.

he uncovered his eyes to see coffee shop boy, his face discolored in the shades of grey josh was seeing right now as he couldn’t find his friends that he loved so much.

“oops.” he said, embarrassed that he was _that_ clumsy.

“hi.” coffee shop boy squeaked as soon as josh bumped into him.

he stopped, and they exchanged glances before smiling slightly at each other and carried on their separate ways, josh’s heart beating a little too fast for comfort. he finally spotted a heavily tattooed guy by the counter and ran up to him, his color starting to come back to him a little bit.

“andy!”

“oh, hey, josh.” andy smiled lazily at him, his eyes slightly closed as he sipped on his beer.

“are you drunk?” he asked.

“no, i’m perfectly fine. see?” andy put his finger out and trained his eyes on it, moving it closer to his nose before going completely cross-eyed.

yup, he was drunk.

josh sighed and shook his head, smiling softly at his friend. he could go home now, but he couldn’t leave his friends here, or his colors would turn to grey again and he was trying to hold onto it for as long as he could.

“where’s joe and patrick and pete?” josh asked, practically shouting through the heart of the club.

“what?”

“where are the rest of us?” josh was yelling now.

“what?!”

josh sighed, rolling his eyes. he’d just have to look for them himself.

he held his hand up, silently telling andy to wait there while he went to go find the rest of his friends. he searched through the crowd of dancing people. he saw a platinum-haired head walking towards him, and smiled slightly as he thought it was pete.

although, his colors weren’t any brighter. in fact – they were fading in and out of greyscale.

huh.

the bleached blonde came up to him, definitely _not_ his friend. this guy was taller than josh, but then again, most guys are. he had light, maybe green eyes, as far as josh could tell through his fading colors, and was tanned. he smiled at josh, josh feeling the need to smile back at him.

“hi, i’m alex.” he bit his pink bottom lip, a black ring pierced through it. his voice was low and was he from australia – this made josh feel slightly weak at his knees. just a bit.

“j-josh.” he could feel his breathing quicken as alex leaned in close to him.

“why don’t we take this somewhere more private, yeah?” he smiled his pretty white teeth at josh, and josh just stood there, blushing like a fool.

josh didn’t really know what that meant, considering he’s never been picked up by a guy at a club before, but he wasn’t questioning it. so that’s how he found himself with alexander in the bathroom, but they weren’t inside a stall or doing anything crazy. they were just talking to each other while alexander fixed his nicely styled blonde quiff and straightened his jean jacket out in the mirror.

“wh-where are you from?” josh asked, making small talk.

“straight from sydney. it’s beautiful down there.” alex looked up and smiled softly, as if he was remembering something. “what about you?”

“ohio. it’s not as thrilling as california but it’s definitely less busy.” josh raised his eyebrows, instantly reminded of the time when he almost got stepped on by a crowd of people as he was just _walking_ down the street.

“i like you, josh. would you want to become friends?” alex asked, looking down at josh fondly and tilting his head to the side.

“um...” josh looked down at the floor; he could use more friends. “yes.” he nodded, sure of his decision this time.

“alright. here, i’ll put my number in your phone, and that way, if you ever need to talk to someone, i’m just a phone call away.” that made josh smile.

he nodded, unlocking his phone and letting alex enter his name and number in it, handing it back to josh. he slid it in his pocket and was startled as alex was suddenly very close to him. josh stepped backwards slightly, not wanting to offend alex but then again he was _too close._

alex just walked with him until josh felt the coldness of the tile wall on his thin flannel. he softly touched josh’s face, examining him from his slightly curly, brown hair to his button up in which had the first three buttons undone. he hadn’t taken off since this morning – he probably should’ve changed shirts.

eh, whatever.

“you’re handsome.” alex said lowly, making josh blush profusely and cover his cheeks with his hands.

“th-thank you, sir.” that last part kind of slipped, but josh couldn’t help it; alex was making him feel intimidated.

“sir...i like that.”

josh went wide eyed as he didn’t see alex’s face anymore, just the back of head and a pair of lips tickling his neck. he put both of his hands on alex’s shoulders, not really knowing what he was doing, all he knew was that alex was kissing the spot on his neck that made him shudder.

and he wasn’t hating it.

josh was never really one to do drunk hookups, or hookups in general. he wanted to get to know the person first, so he softly pushed alex off of him.

“no, thank you.” josh said, straightening out his shirt.

“i’m sorry, josh. i usually don’t do that.” alex said, scratching the back of his neck with his eyes glued to the floor, his cheeks peppered with a grey blush in shame.

“would you want to actually get to know each other? like go somewhere?”

josh mentally slapped himself, wondering where his priorities went. he should be looking for his friends, but there was no turning back now. josh lit up when alexander smiled and nodded his head.

“sure, i’d love to do something with you.”

“great! um, i should probably go find my friends, but it was nice meeting you, alex.” josh said, walking out of the bathroom to avoid any awkward conversations.

“text me!” he said, waving at josh.

josh turned back and smiled at him before leaving the bathroom officially.

that was...different.

he finally found his friends in the sea of people, andy holding onto joe’s hand as he dragged him out of the club. josh loved drunk andy.

he could see his dull colors now, but when pete dropped him off at his house, his colors turned to grey again. josh sat down on his couch, his head in his hand as he pouted, thinking about all the colors he could’ve seen today. he stared down at the phone that was on the coffee table, grabbing it finally and pushing alex’s contact.

**J:** _hi, alex. it’s me – josh. i was wondering when you’d like to grab coffee or something tomorrow afternoon?_

josh hit send, thinking he probably shouldn’t have. what if alex thinks he’s being too pushy? or what if he gets rejected?

he’s been thinking too much, so he got up and walked around his house, straight to the kitchen to be exact. he needed a distraction, and food never failed him. he quickly poured out a bowl of lucky charms, sitting down and eating it as he scrolled through his twitter notifications.

he nearly choked on his cereal as he saw that alex had replied, the notification banner appearing at the top of the screen. his heart was beating in his chest as he read it, and soon was smiling.

**A:** _hi, josh. of course, let’s meet up at the starbucks between sixth and seventy-third, if that’s okay with you?_

**J:** _it’s perfect. see you soon :)_

josh started to think that maybe – just maybe – he would finally be able to see his colors.


	3. {first date}

josh tucked his hands in his pockets, instantly regretting wearing a thin v-neck as the chilly air stabbed his chest. he spotted a familiar face walking towards him, smiling sweetly as a way to wordlessly greet alex. he returned the smile, but it quickly faded when he looked at the coffee shop.

“ugh, i actually don’t want to go here. we should go the restaurant across the street. i want soup.” alex said, looking across the street to the chain of buildings, each one specializing in different types of food.

josh was surprised at how his once soft tone changed into something more of disgust.

“um...okay.” josh agreed, kind of disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to see his ladies, but didn’t want to upset alex on their first date.

“and why are you wearing that shirt? you should’ve worn a sweater.” alex said, looking down at josh’s shirt that he was wearing.

“i know, i just forgot to bring one.” josh slightly blushed, eyes darting across the ground in shame. he really should’ve brought a sweater.

alex took off the sweatshirt he was wearing and handed it to josh.

“i can’t take this, alex. you’re going to be cold, then. thank you, though.”

“alright.” alex shrugged, putting it back on and running his fingers through his hair in the reflection of the coffee shop’s window.

josh was taken aback at how, like most people, alex didn’t insist on him wearing it. but he guessed it was his fault, since he did say no.

“are you coming or what?” alex said, snapping josh out of his thoughts as he was already a few feet ahead of him.

josh walked a little faster to keep up with alex, and soon found himself sat at a table in the dimly lit soup restaurant. he didn’t catch the name, all he knew was that it started with a “c”. josh scanned the list of soups they had, each one sounding like it tasted very good.

“what do you want?” alex asked, looking up at josh.

“i think i’ll get the chicken soup.” josh pointed at it, reading it’s information.

“that’s really expensive. i think you should get the split-pea. it tastes just like chicken and it’s a lot cheaper.” alex suggested.

josh looked at the split-pea soup, and after a few moments of thinking, he shrugged and nodded. the waitress came over and introduced herself, asking them what type of soup they wanted.

“i’ll take the chicken soup and he’ll have the split-pea.” alex said, looking up at the waitress.

josh had his attention turned on alex, why did he order for him? and why did _he_ get to have chicken soup, but not josh? it didn’t make any sense, but...josh didn’t complain. he didn’t want alex to be upset. the waitress jotted down their orders and disappeared behind a wall.

“so, let’s talk.” alex said.

a few minutes into the conversation, alex managed to turn it around on himself, and josh discovered that he came from a very wealthy background, his family owning four houses and three cars.

each.

josh was fascinated upon hearing this, imagining what it would be like if he had four houses. he’d probably throw a party in each one, trashing them and causing his family to go bankrupt. then, he stopped imagining.

“here you are, sirs. enjoy your soups.” the waitress, who josh learned was named luna, dropped off their order and sped away, onto serving the next customer.

josh looked down at his soup, the only thing appealing was the toasted panini that sat on the side of it. it looked like vomit, to say the least, and josh didn’t know if he could stomach it after the thought. he tried the lumpy, grey mixture anyways, and actually ended up enjoying it. alex continued to talk about his family’s wealth, and josh just silently listened, not being able to relate.

his family wasn’t poor, but they definitely didn’t own four houses.

when the two were finished, they set everything aside and alex pulled out his wallet. josh, raised to be a gentleman, offered to pay for it instead, even though the bill was a little on the pricey side. alex shrugged and put his wallet away, josh offended that he didn’t even insist on paying for his share. josh mentally sighed, placing the sixty dollars on the table and exited the restaurant.

“thank you for taking me out, josh.” alex said, smiling sweetly.

“no problem. should we do this again?” josh asked, his features softening at alex’s smile.

alex nodded his head, beaming. he kissed josh on the cheek gently before telling him he would contact him, and waved at josh. josh smiled back as alex walked down the sidewalk, a light blush on his cheeks and the spot where alex kissed heating up.

he took a deep breath, trying to calm down the butterflies in his stomach. alex was high-maintenance, but what could josh expect out of someone who grew up getting served all the time?

he was just demanding, that’s all. josh could deal.


	4. {alex}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. hey!
> 
> remember, the bold "!" means be careful)

**!**

a few months passed, and now alex and josh were living in the same house together.

josh still didn’t see any colors, yet, but he was waiting. he was sure they would come to him soon, he just needed to be patient. he was waiting on the couch for alex to come back from work. he found a job in a record store, while josh continued to work in the coffee shop with his ladies, only this time he was working at night.

he heard the door jiggle and alex stepped in, distracting josh from spongebob on the tv. josh smiled at alex who didn’t return it, he just had an angry expression on his face.

“hi, alex.” josh greeted, going up to him to try to hug him and make him feel better, but alex pushed him away.

he literally pushed josh to the floor.

“get away from me. i had a bad day at work and i want to be left alone.” alex started walking towards their shared bedroom.

josh decided not to push him further and let him cool off before he did anything else.

“okay. i’m going to work now, i’ll see you in the morning.” josh meant 2am, when a guy named charlie took his place at the twenty-four hour cafe.

“no, you’re not. you’re going to stay here. let’s watch a movie or something.” alex suggested, his features instantly changing from a soft and a lot calmer than before.

“i’d love to, but we gotta pay rent.”

“i said no.” alex now had josh up against the wall near the door, trapping him in between his arms.

“i have to.” josh tried to slide out from the small space underneath alex’s arms, but groaned in pain when he felt alex’s knee hit him in his stomach, stopping him from doing anything.

josh’s heart was racing. alex had never hit him before, let alone _knee him in the stomach,_ and he was beginning to significantly panic. he needed to go to work and alex wanted to keep him here. he didn’t know whether to stay with alex, keep him happy, and be late for the rent or to pay it on time and have alex mad at him. he took the latter and pried alex’s hands off of his shirt, going to the door.

“alex, for the last time, i am going to work. i’ll come back later. please let me go.”

and that’s when he felt like his face was going to explode. he only saw the dark blood dripping from his throbbing nose and splattering onto the floor, his nose in immense pain as alex drew back his fist.

“what i say goes, and you are staying here with me tonight, do you understand?” alex said, his hot breath ghosting over josh’s ear and making him very uncomfortable.

he deserved it, though. he shouldn’t have said anything and stayed here when alex wanted him to. he would’ve done the same for him, he was sure of it.

josh didn’t respond, too shocked to say anything. he just nodded and lit up slightly at the happy expression from alex. alex’s happiness made josh happy, so he cleaned up his nose and sat down on the couch without a second thought.

as he was cuddled on the couch with alex, he could faintly see spongebob’s yellow color flicker into a greyer version. he pushed all of his thoughts swarming around his head like bees into their hive – in the back of his mind. that didn’t mean anything. he liked alex a lot, no doubt about it.

no doubt at all.


	5. {cupcakes}

**!**

josh walked into the coffee shop, greeting his ladies that he hadn’t seen in so long. alex called in for him for the past three days, keeping him home. josh enjoyed the luxury of staying home, but he felt the nagging need to go in and work; it’s been gnawing on him for the time being.

“joshua, it’s nice seeing you again!” rebecca said as he walked into the coffee shop, pulling up the collar of the turtleneck sweater alex made him wear to hide his anger.

josh never realized his skin bruised so easily.

“you too, rebecca.” he said, not really wanting to talk right now.

“is there something wrong?” she asked, her drawn in eyebrows pulled together in concern.

“no. no, i’m alright. are you alright?” he asked, trying to take the attention away from himself.

“i am, thank you for asking. are you here to work?”

“yes, ma’am. i finally got over my sickness.” he delivered it just as he and alex rehearsed.

“okay...here.” she gave him his nametag and nodded, disappearing into the kitchen. josh hopped behind the counter, immediately going over to the desserts stand.

some of the cupcakes had fallen over into the cookie tray, and so josh asked if he could take the fallen ones home. rebecca nodded, asking him to make a fresh batch since the icing had flattened out on the cupcakes and made them look unkempt.

josh was skilled at baking, it was one of the only things we was good at apart from drumming. even then, he still had high expectations for himself. he quickly got started on measuring the dry ingredients for the cupcakes, mixing them together with the wet ingredients and adding in the special something that made the desserts taste good.

and no, it was not drugs.

josh wouldn’t even know where to get those.

he heard the door to the cafe open, and he wondered who would come into the cafe at 12am. his heart raced in his chest as he saw alex standing by the door, looking around angrily. he was breathing heavily, like he either just finished a run, or he was furious.

“josh, where the fuck are you?” he screamed into the cafe, causing the ladies behind the counter to look at him.

josh peeked his head from the kitchen, his heart beating fast from the encounter he _knew_ he’d have to make, but decided to go out and face him anyway.

“i’m here. are you okay?”

“what the hell do you think you’re doing? you told me you were going to get a few things from the grocery store!”

josh hung his head down, he’d lied to alex so he could work with his ladies.

“i’m sorry.” josh squeaked, feeling embarrassed and shameful at the same time.

alex’s featured softened, his angry scowl turning into a smile.

“it’s okay, joshy. i was just worried about your safety. come, let’s go home now.”

josh didn’t know whether to feel relieved or scared at alex’s voice change, but he complied either way, grabbing the brown paper bag that he’d put the cupcakes that had toppled over in and following alex out of the store after waving a goodbye to his shaken up ladies.

the car ride was silent, but as soon as they got to their house, josh received a _really_ hard punch to his cheek, and another one to his stomach, causing him to drop the paper bag and hold onto the table beside the door to keep himself from falling over.

“the next time i tell you to do something, you’re going to do it, do you understand me?”

josh swallowed the blood that threatened to rise up from his stomach, the pain intensifying as he uttered out a “yes” to alex.

“what was in this bag?” alex asked, picking it up off of the floor.

“th-they’re cupcakes. they fell off the tray and becca said i could t-take it home.” josh said weakly, coughing.

he went slightly wide-eyed when he noticed the specks of blood splattered on his hand, but wiped it away in his turtleneck. alex noticed this, and pushed josh down to the floor. he hit his head on the shiny hardwood, his vision going blurry and causing pain to not only his head, but to his already damaged stomach.

“are you fucking serious? getting blood all over my sweater?” alex groaned and practically ripped the sweater off of josh’s body, his shirt rising up as well and revealing the bruise from where alex punched him.

“i’m s-sorry.” he tried, his vision finally going back to normal.

“can’t you do anything right? you’re such a fuck up, josh, i swear.” alex’s voice echoed down the hallway as he went to wash out josh’s blood on his sweater.

“i-i’m sorry.” josh said, a little weaker this time, tears causing his voice to crack.

alex was right, he was a fuck up. everything was his fault. if he hadn’t gone to work today like alex asked, he wouldn’t be bleeding on the floor.

it was his fault.

alex came back, looking at josh on the floor. his face twisted into a sickening smirk as he watched josh look up at him in fear. this is exactly what alex wanted, josh to be scared of him so he would do everything he said. this is what alex _loved._

“sleep on the couch, i don’t want to see your face right now.” alex spat.

“i’m sorry, alex.”

“i accept your apology. here, if it makes you feel any better, i’m going to try one of your cupcakes. maybe they will make me hate you a lot less.”

josh blinked, feeling his heart break inside his chest. alex didn’t love him. if anything, he _hated_ him. it tore josh apart; all he wanted was to make alex happy, and he still wasn’t good enough. josh fought the tears building up at his eyes as he replayed what alex said in his head.

_maybe it will make me hate you a lot less._

josh sat up from the floor into a sitting position, watching alex try his cupcakes. lots of people liked them, otherwise they wouldn’t be selling them at the shop, right?

alex took a bite out of it, licking his lips of the blue frosting that lost the shape josh piped on top, chewing slowly. he made a disgusted face, literally spitting out the cupcake onto the floor and throwing the remaining dessert at josh, the blue frosting staining his white t-shirt.

“what the fuck? you call this a dessert? this is the worst thing i’ve ever tasted. you need to do better.” alex spat the taste out of his mouth onto the floor as josh looked at the ruined cupcake sitting in his lap, his clothes covered in the frosting.

alex then went into the bedroom, shutting the door. josh could faintly hear the little _click_ that followed after, telling him that he was locked out of the bedroom. he could barely see through the tears that blurred his vision, staring down at the cupcake that alex hated so much.

it seemed like all alex did these days was make josh feel like shit. he called it “constructive criticism’, but isn’t that supposed to build you up? josh decided that he would stop making the cupcakes, he didn’t want other people to tell him it tasted bad.

he got up slowly, not wanting to hurt himself even further, taking the cupcake in his hand and throwing it in the garbage. he went back to get the rest of them, standing in front of the trash can with the paper bag clutched in his hand. he wasn’t sure if he wanted to throw something he was so proud of away just because one person didn’t like them.

or who knows? maybe everyone hated them and they just decided not to tell him. alex didn’t lie like they did. he was crying now, his hand shaking as he still held the paper bag. he dropped it in after a moment, the paper bag stained with dark splotches of tears that rolled off of his face.

alex didn’t lie like they did.

as josh went to go clean up his shirt, he passed the bedroom.

why weren’t his colors there anymore?


	6. {worse}

**!**

alex has gotten worse.

everyday he would hit josh out of anger or frustration, and he didn’t even apologize afterwards like he used to. he came home from work, not even bothering to hug josh or even say hello. he went into the bedroom and locked the door again, leaving josh in the living room by himself.

he went over to the mirror, checking out his face. he’s learned to wear long sleeves shirts and hoodies, otherwise people would question the bruises that appeared all over his body. they were his fault anyway; he deserved it, so it wouldn’t matter and alex wouldn’t be blamed for his mistakes.

he could see that his eye was bruised, and there was a dark welt on his left cheek.

_it could’ve been worse._

josh stared at his reflection, wiping away the hot tears that involuntarily slipped out of his eyes. he tried to remember what he looked like when he wasn’t covered in bruises, and when he was actually happy. he hadn’t genuinely smiled in a while, not even with his ladies. he was thinking about when alex hit him for the first time, the morning after he woke up, alex said it would never happen again.

maybe alex did lie.

josh sighed, making sure he looked a little bit presentable and went to the coffee shop. he greeted his ladies who didn’t even say hi back, they just rushed from behind the counter towards him and hugged the life out of him when they saw his face. josh almost cried; he forgot what real hugs felt like, and it made him indescribably sad to have lost the feeling of a comforting hug or pat on the back.

“joshua, you need to get out of that relationship.” rebecca said, gently holding his face in one hand and examining the bruises.

“no, becca. i love alex, and i couldn’t do that to him.” josh said, not trusting his words himself.

“does he love you?” sandy crossed her arms in front of her chest, noticeable cross.

josh bit his lip, looking down at the ground. he didn’t answer that.

he _couldn’t_ answer that.

“that alex guy is hurting you, joshua. that’s-”

the ladies went silent as the bell of the door rang, and they looked over to see someone had entered.

it was coffee shop guy, wearing a white shirt and black jeans. his hair was disheveled and messy, but he still managed to make it look good. he came in, noticing josh first.

“hey, you’re josh, right?” he asked, a cute smile on his face.

josh couldn’t help but smile back as best as he could when he noticed the dimples prodding at coffee shop guy’s cheeks.

he was really cute.

“y-yeah, i am.” josh said shyly, not really active in meeting new people since alex never let him out of the house if he wasn’t there with him.

it took forever for alex to let josh go to work today. he was convinced that alex was just concerned for his safety, is all.

“i’m tyler. do you mind me asking what happened to your eye?” his voice was shaky, but josh found it comforting at how gentle his tone was. it was a lot different than alex’s, it made him feel better.

“um, you know...just ran into a pole on the way to work yesterday.” josh said, laughing it off and not making eye contact.

“oh...okay. well, it’s nice seeing you again, josh.” tyler stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked past him to izzibella, asking her for a cookie and a coffee.

tyler was nice. josh really wanted to be his friend, but alex probably would get mad if he found out that josh and tyler were talking. he didn’t want to upset alex.

josh and tyler ended up talking anyway until josh’s shift was over, tyler sitting crisscross-applesauce in front of josh who was sitting behind the counter. the ladies had already left, so it was just them in the shop. josh was about to say something to tyler that related to their conversation topic, until he heard the door chime.

his heart started racing at the loud voice that called for him, a few curse words mixed in. josh looked at tyler wide-eyed, placing his finger over his lips to silently quiet him, and moved flatter against the counter as if it would help him any.

“joshua, i know you’re in here.” alex said in a sadistic, sing-song voice that made josh want to puke.

josh didn’t respond, he decided he would wait until alex left the shop. josh was even _more_ convinced that alex was just insane, getting crazier by the day.

“that’s okay, josh. just don’t expect to come back inside the house until you apologize for disobeying me.” josh shut his eyes tightly, instantly regretting it when he could almost see the smirk on alex’s face as he said those words. the door chimed again, signaling that he left.

josh let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding and hung his head, his worries filling his mind to the brim. alex kicked him out of his own home, and it was cold as fuck tonight. josh started to think – perhaps pete and patrick had an extra room?

“josh? did you hear?” he heard tyler’s voice pierce his thoughts.

“what?”

“i said, if you’d like, you can sleep at my house tonight. i know we don’t know each other, but that guy seems like a real jerk, and i can’t let you sleep in a box.”

josh was taken aback at the gesture, but was grateful that he didn’t have to bother pete and pat, but then again – he didn’t know tyler. how did he know he didn’t want to kill him and eat him like the cannibals in those scary movies? josh was weary about it, so he decided he wouldn’t.

“thank you, tyler, but i should probably go work this out with alex.”

tyler shot josh a sympathetic look before telling him he should go home, so josh was stuck there by himself until 2am, trying to stop shaking, before he gave the keys to charlie and started the dreaded ride home. he soon arrived, going up to the door and using the spare key to get inside of his house.

“josh?” alex asked, his voice sweet as he poked his head through the bedroom door.

“hi.” josh greeted.

alex came up to him, smiling until he reached josh. josh was a little freaked out by the way alex had a calm smile on his face, as if he didn’t just try to kick josh out of his own house. his confusion disappeared when alex drew his fist back and hit josh right across the face, josh’s head turning and facing the wall from the impact. it hurt, _very badly_ to be exact, josh couldn’t stop the flow of involuntary tears that fell, tickling his cheek on the way down.

“that was for going to work today when i distinctly told you not to.”

“i’m sorry.” josh found himself saying that a lot lately.

“i went through your phone messages, who the fuck is tyler?” alex raised his voice a little bit, frightening josh.

“no one.”

alex shoved josh, causing him to drop to the floor.

“stop lying to me, joshua.” alex pointed in his face.

“i’m not...i only met him twice.”

“twice? what did you guys do?”

“we just talked.”

“yeah, right. by ‘talked’ you probably mean cheated on me. what next, you’re going to move in with him and leave me? i don’t fucking think so!” alex kicked josh in the stomach, so hard that his body jerked and he felt the blood rise in his throat.

josh has never cheated before in his life, it was always the other person he was with that cheated on him. it only happened twice though, josh knew how to handle it.

“i di-didn’t.” josh muttered weakly, trying to sit up, but failed.

“stop! fucking! lying!” alex got on top of josh and started beating his face, throwing punches with every word he said to him.

josh went numb, he couldn’t see out of one of his eyes, and his vision was going black. alex kept hitting him, but josh couldn’t feel it. but that’s okay, it was his fault anyway. if he just showed himself to alex when he asked, he would be able to feel his face right now.

“go outside, you fucking pig. i don’t want to see your face right now.” alex got off of him, giving him one last kick to his side before slamming the door to the bedroom and locking it.

josh complied, not wanting alex to hit him again. he tried to quickly get up, wincing in pain when his ribs were sore and his face was dripping dark blood onto the floor. he stood up, almost falling back down again when the room began to spin, opening the door after bringing a blanket and pillow outside with him. josh had been out here before, finding his usual spot on the porch right near the steps. he laid his head on the pillow, his face now throbbing and hurting all over. he pulled the blanket up over him, curling his fingers in the warm material as the air blew around him.

he shouldn’t have gone to work today.

it was his fault.


	7. {tyler}

**!**

it was saturday today.

josh took refuge in the only place he felt comfortable, the coffee shop. he sat down at a table near the window, sunglasses over his eyes and his hoodie on. his ladies knew exactly what was going on with him, but he begged them not to call for help. he didn’t want alex to be taken away, not for _his_ mistakes.

he could barely eat his cookie, his lips hurting every time he closed his mouth and his jaw a little sore from yesterday. josh put it on the napkin on the table, holding his face in his hands. he felt the warm tears pool on his palms, shutting his eye that wasn’t bruised closed.

he was crying now, upset and both himself and alex. he deserved it, he knew that, and he wished he could stop making so many mistakes. maybe then alex would stop hating him and he’d finally feel better about himself.

it made him feel like shit that he made alex unhappy.

he didn’t even hear when tyler entered the cafe and sat down with josh at the table.

“josh?” tyler’s soft voice seeped through josh’s ears, calming him down a little, even when he thought it would be hard to calm down in his situation.

“yeah?” josh tried his best to keep a steady voice, and not show tyler that he was crying. he didn’t like crying in front of people.

“you look like you need a friend, so here i am. what’s the matter?” tyler sounded genuinely concerned for him, which made josh feel a little better.

just a little.

“nothing, i’m completely okay.” josh looked up at tyler through his sunglasses, tyler a darker shade of grey through the glasses.

“alright, but why are you wearing sunglasses indoors, silly?” tyler wore a small smile.

“because it’s really bright.” josh replied, looking down at his drink.

“josh, it’s so dim in here. you’re going to hurt your eyes.” tyler reached over and slid them off of josh’s face, josh not even making a move to keep them on.

josh kept his glance trained on his coffee as tyler didn’t say anything to josh, he just set his sunglasses on the table and looked at his face.

“josh.”

“...”

“joshua.”

“...”

“jish.”

something about that nickname made josh look up at tyler, and tyler had his eyebrows furrowed, eyes darting back and forth as he examined the bruises and welts on josh’s face. to say josh was embarrassed was an understatement, he knew his face wasn’t in the best shape and tyler was wordlessly feeling sorry for him.

he knew it.

“i don’t want any pity, okay? it was my fault and i deserved it. they’re my mistakes.” josh said softly, looking out the window again.

“no one deserves to get beat up. for anything. this is not right, josh. you need to get out of there.” tyler placed his hand on josh’s that was on the table, josh retracting his hand in fear of alex coming to the shop and seeing him.

but the gesture made him happy nonetheless.

“i can’t. he’s my boyfriend, and i love him.” josh began to worry again, thinking of alex becoming upset that josh left. he couldn’t do that to alex.

even though he knew he was lying, otherwise he’d be able to see more than a deep greyscale right now.

“he beats you up almost every day for silly things that don’t deserve to be even yelled at.”

“the things that i do deserve for me to get hurt. they’re bad.” josh was shameful now, admitting to tyler all of these private things that he wouldn’t even tell pete.

“like what?”

“a few days ago, i went to work when alex told me not to. that’s bad, i lied to him and told him i was at the grocery store. i’m such a horrible person.” josh felt the guilt eat away at him, taking small, slow bites to torture him even further. he hid his face in his hands, not wanting tyler to see him tear up again.

“that’s not your fault. he’s not your parent, he’s supposed to be your boyfriend. he can’t stop you from doing what you really want.” tyler tried to see if josh was beginning to believe him, sighing when he still had his face in his hands.

“a relationship is supposed to be fifty-fifty, where you both agree on what happens. if only he’s agreeing, that’s not a relationship, josh.”

“he already said he hated me. i don’t know what we are, i just can’t leave. we live together.” josh felt trapped.

he just didn’t know how to get out. he also didn’t know why he was opening up to tyler, but he just had a certain feeling that made josh feel like he could trust him, so he followed his gut in doing so.

“i’m offering again, and you certainly don’t have to take it, but you could always stay at my place if you need to. we don’t know each other that well, but still. i wouldn’t be able to live with myself if i knew you were getting hurt and there was something i could do about it.” tyler said, smiling sweetly.

josh’s heart started beating faster in his chest when he saw tyler do this, but he just pushed any further thoughts to the back of his head. he needed to focus on how to get away from alex. tyler was right, he wasn’t in a relationship, he was just being abused. sure, the hits were his fault, but it definitely wasn’t fifty-fifty, and josh needed to get out.

so he took up on tyler’s offer and would leave the house when alex went to work. did josh know what he was doing?

no, he didn’t even know what to expect when he went over to tyler’s house. but he’d just have to wait and see.

life is full of surprises, isn’t it?


	8. {heroes}

**!**

it was raining hard.

josh jumped slightly at the thunder that accompanied the bright flash of white lightning outside of his window. he went over to the window, looking at the almost-black, dreary sky. he usually liked when it rained, it was the perfect weather to curl up in bed and read a good book. or sleep, they’re both pretty fantastic. he stepped back when he heard the thunder again, not wanting the window to burst like how they do in the movies during a bad storm like this.

he went over to the mattress, sitting crisscross-applesauce on it as he picked up his phone from on top of his bag. he had a duffel full of all the things he would need, just some clothes and toiletries. he was texting tyler when he heard the door open from downstairs, his eyes going wide.

“joshua!”

alex.

why was he home so early? he wasn’t supposed to get off of work until twelve tonight, and it was only seven. josh’s heart beat fast in his chest as he tried to come up with a plan to hide his stuff without alex noticing.

he came out of the bedroom to go greet alex, forgetting what color button up he was wearing from this morning when he made josh wash and press his clothes. josh wasn’t really skilled at doing things like that, but he was good enough to make it work.

josh went over to alex, who’s grey eyes were already fifty shades darker, and josh didn’t know whether it was from fury, sadness, or what.

he never knew why he got hit anymore, as he stopped doing a lot of the things he used to. he stopped talking to all of his friends, as the majority of them were males and alex got jealous. he stopped wearing tight pants and shirts, instead leaving the house in a sweater and baggy jeans. alex made him cover up his tattoos and take his nose ring out, not wanting josh to get any attention from anyone else but him.

“hi, alex.” josh smiled sweetly, not wanting to give away his excitement for his departure later. “you’re home early.”

“i got fired from my job. they found out that you’re a fuck up and your mistakes cause me to hit you. how, i don’t know. you’re the reason why i don’t have a job anymore. looks like you’ll be having to pay the rent by yourself from now on.”

his words were knives, stabbing josh’s heart and causing it to feel heavy in his chest. josh couldn’t support the two of them on his job at the cafe, alex used a lot of electricity and took long showers, _and_ he made more money than josh.

“i’m sorry.” josh said, feeling guilty.

“i really hope your happy with yourself, you stupid piece of shit.” alex smacked josh’s already tearing up face, alex’s words really getting to him.

you would think after so long, josh would be used to it. but now, every insult josh got felt just like the first time it was thrown at him, hitting him right in the heart. josh was tired of it.

he was _so fucking tired of it._

“fuck you.” josh sneered at alex, holding his red cheek.

whoa.

josh didn’t know where that came from, but tyler’s speech today really made him realized that this was not the way to go, and he needed to stand up for himself. alex should go to the gym if he wanted a punching bag, but right now, josh was josh.

josh was a person.

“what the fuck did you just say to me?”

“i...” he took in a deep breath.

“i said fuck you! everyday you hit me because you’re too much of a bitch to get help for issues that you’re in denial about! we were supposed to be in a relationship, which takes fifty-fifty work, and that’s not happening right now! for so long, i’ve been thinking that the bruises and cuts on my face were my fault, but it’s not. it’s not my fault, and it never has been. so fuck! you!” josh shouted at alex, knowing that alex was furious right now.

he couldn’t care less, he was running pure adrenaline.

he didn’t even wait for him to respond to it, he just dashed up the stairs and locked the door to their bedroom. he grabbed his duffel bag as he heard alex’s heavy footsteps quickly come up the stairs, and he started banging on the door.

he looked down to his vibrating phone in his pocket, tyler’s contact name with the skull emoji next to it calling him. his heart was beating fast, alex’s fists colliding with the door, causing beats like a timpani drum to ring in josh’s ears.

“hello?” josh picked up the phone, looking around for anything to defend himself with just in case alex _did_ manage to break the door down.

“josh, are you still coming?” tyler’s voice sounded far away, like he was on speakerphone. “and what’s that loud noise in the background?”

“um, i’m kind of in trouble, but yeah, i’m still coming over.”

“in trouble how?” tyler’s voice was more clear now as he pressed the phone to his ear, worried. he sprang up from his bed and grabbed his keys from the desk next to his door.

“i stood up for myself, and now...alex is banging on the d-door.”

“i’m coming to get you.”

“no, tyler. he might hurt you, too.” josh looked at the window. it wasn’t a far drop down, but he’d for sure break his arm or ankle.

“and he might _kill_ you, so i’m coming over there. what’s the address?”

the banging started becoming yells, alex shouting angry words at josh whilst kicking the door this time.

josh told him the address of his house, telling him to hurry. he didn’t know how long it would take for the door to give in.

and it didn’t take long at all.

**!!!**

alex broke the door off of its hinges, josh grabbing the picture frame of the two of them. he smashed it on the ground, picking up a large piece of glass before threatening alex with it. josh knew he wouldn’t be able to hurt alex, or anyone for that matter. he just hoped it’d be enough for alex to back off.

“josh, josh, josh. you really think you could get away from me?” alex asked, his face twisted into an evil grin as he tilted his head to the side in amusement.

“leave me alone, alex.” the hand that was holding the piece of glass was shaking out of nervousness and fear.

“you’ve been a very bad boyfriend. i think i just might have to punish you.” alex looked up at the ceiling in thought, exaggeratingly stroking his scruffy chin.

“leave me _alone.”_

“why should i?”

“because...for the past five months of us being together, you’ve put me through hell. before...before i wasn’t able to defend myself, but i’ve met people who helped me realized that abuse has no place in love. _love is respect._ i don’t love you, and i know you don’t love me. you’re a jerk, alex.” josh knitted his eyebrows together.

alex just clapped for him, slowly and tauntingly.

“bravo, josh. you have a mouth, who would’ve thought?”

by now, josh’s shaking hand was bleeding from clutching the piece of glass so tightly. he was beyond pissed.

“now come on, let’s go to the cafe. i want coffee.”

“i don’t care what you want.”

“i’m sorry, i don’t remember asking for your input. come here. now.”

“no.”

josh backed up as alex came towards him, pushing him down to the floor when he caught josh. the piece of glass got knocked out of his hand, but it didn’t stop alex from picking it back up and slicing his cheek with it. josh felt the blood run down his cheek, the spot where alex used the piece of glass in _flames._

he couldn’t believe alex _did that._ he could do that, josh could die.

josh was as good as dead, with no one here to help him out.

alex was going to make sure of it.

////

tyler took a short time to arrive, texting josh to tell him he was outside.

after not getting a text back for a few minutes, he decided he would go find josh. he got out of his car across the street, getting soaked instantly as he looked up at the windows of josh’s house. tyler noticed figures moving around against a dimly lit light. it looked like someone was hitting something on the floor, like in the movies.

that’s not normal.

tyler ran at the front door of josh’s house, using all of his strength and shoulder to bust it down. he went into the kitchen to get a pot, just in case alex decided to attack him. he waited down there for any sign of alex or josh hearing him, but probably not as he heard alex’s voice ring from upstairs, shouting profanities and insults at who he figured was josh.

he heard screaming and punches, and he quietly but quickly got up the stairs, peeking into the open door from where the noises were coming from. his heart raced as josh was pinned underneath alex, the sound of a belt unbuckling caused him to silently gasp.

josh and tyler made eye contact as josh was desperately fighting to get alex off of him, but alex was too strong and got josh’s pants undone, trying to tug them down. josh shot tyler a look that screamed for help, and tyler just put his finger up to his lips, quickly tip-toeing towards alexander. he’s never done this before, but alex was hurting josh and it was up to tyler to save him.

he swung the pan back behind his head, swinging it across alex’s. he heard a loud crash, tyler’s eyes wide as alex was on the floor, knocked out. josh let out a breath, his chest rising and falling as clear tears stained his temples.

“josh. are you alright? he didn’t hurt you, did he?” tyler asked, even though he could faintly see the welts and blood from the shadows of the moon on josh’s face.

josh didn’t respond, he just turned over and curled in on himself, beginning to _sob_ , a sharp pain coursing through his body when the shock finally set in. alex did hurt him, both physically and mentally. he couldn’t stop the cries that racked his entire body, tears dampening his shirt and the floor underneath him. he was finally away from alexander now, but what if he still tried to hunt him down?

josh knew that he was still not completely out of harm’s way, and he just took tyler down that road with him. alex was right.

he was a fuck up.

he could barely feel tyler’s hands slide into his, helping him up off of the ground. he pulled his pants up for him, josh too traumatized to actually do anything. he was still shaking, his eyes wide and small whimpers escaping his lips. josh didn’t like crying in front of people.

maybe that’s why he was crying now, because he was embarrassed. he was numb, the pain from the glass forgotten about.

he felt tyler wrap his arms around his small frame, whispering nice words into his ear and holding him. josh melted into the hug, clutching into the back of tyler’s t-shirt and emptying his cries into his shoulder. alex never gave josh hugs, only punches. this was something foreign to him, he hasn’t gotten a hug like this since he saw pete, and that was almost half a year ago.

“come on. let’s go, okay?” tyler removed only one arm from josh, picking up his duffel bag for him and handing him his phone.

he led josh out to the front door – well, opening, considering tyler had broke it down – and exited the house, hair and clothing sticking to the two as the rain beat down upon them. josh winced as they hit his sensitive skin, hanging his head down and holding onto tyler for support as his cheek began to throb again. he looked down and noticed the dark grey splotch of blood on his shirt. he hoped tyler would take him to the hospital, beginning a drive to somewhere else, other than _here._

and he was relieved when they pulled up in front of a brightly lit building with ambulances parked right outside the entrance.


	9. {alex}

**!**

josh has been living with tyler for the past couple of weeks.

it got awkward at times, but to them, it was just something they could laugh about later. alex had still tried to contact josh, tyler insisting that he change his number so alex would stop. josh agreed, so that’s why he was sat down on the guest bedroom mattress, texting his contacts to tell them that his number was changed.

well, the contacts that actually mattered. half of the numbers were of old friends that he didn’t even talk to anymore. he looked up when tyler stood at the doorway, resting his shoulder on the frame.

“hey, josh.” tyler held up a small piece of paper in between his fingers, josh’s neat, swirly handwriting inking one side of it.

he smiled at josh and put the piece of paper back into his pocket, making a mental note to stick it on his wall later. tyler found these little notes josh left for him adorable, but josh took it as tiny thank you letters for him.

“hi, tyler.”

“how are you feeling?”

“pretty good. what about you?”

“happy that you’re better.”

josh blushed at that, he thought it was sweet that tyler cared for him. he was still kind of weary about living with a guy that he only met three times, but it was certainly better than being with alex.

“you look better, too.” tyler added, smiling softly.

“yeah, the bruises are almost faded.” josh returned the smile.

tyler nodded once, looking over josh’s face. josh felt a little uncomfortable with tyler checking his face out, but he was sure he was doing it to ensure that he was okay.

“josh, jenna and i are hanging out at the shake shack in about five minutes. you want to come with?”

“no, thank you.” josh didn’t want to go outside of tyler’s house in fear of alex finding him and taking him back to the house.

“okay, i’ll bring you back some food.” tyler smiled again and left, walking downstairs to the front door.

josh liked tyler.

he was a good person, he even offered to bring back food for him. that was really nice. josh decided he would pass the time by taking a long bath. he went into the bathroom, looking at the assortment of bath bombs and salts tyler had neatly organized on a wire rack.

he didn’t know if he could use them, though.

 **J:** _tyler, would i be able to use your bath stuff?_

 **T:** _yeah man, mi casa es tu casa_

josh smiled at tyler’s response, tossing his phone on the bed and picking out what he would use. he decided on a bomb with light flower petals in it, grabbing a sweet smelling soap and running the water that pooled in the circular bathtub.

he threw the bath bomb in, watching with awe as it fizzed and sprinkled colors into the tub, turning the once clear water into a darkish grey with sparkles in it. he looked at his healing face in the mirror. he saw his puffy eye and his swollen lip, and he saw the dark grey scabs over the gash in his cheek. he quickly stripped, getting into the _very_ warm water and sinking down into it, relaxing his tense muscles.

he sat there, thinking about alex. he was probably really mad at josh, but josh didn’t care. he was happy to get out of that, now he was in a better situation and he couldn’t be more grateful.

josh wondered if he was annoying tyler by writing him small thank you notes every day. he never said anything about it, if anything he just looked at them, smiled, and stuck them up on his bedroom wall whenever josh would come in with one. that made josh feel happy and appreciated.

maybe that’s why he liked tyler so much.

he spend his time checking out all the intriguing fancy soaps tyler had in here, getting out of the bath when the water ran cold and quickly taking a shower to actually wash his body. he changed into a pair of pajamas, which were tyler’s old clothes, and sat on his bed, looking out the window. the white moon was shining against the grey nighttime sky, lighting up a part of the dark room.

he wanted to see colors again, so he called pete. he smiled when he picked up.

“joshy, my man! where’ve you been? i haven’t heard from you in so long.” pete’s voice flooded through the phone.

josh felt his heart swell at pete’s voice, remembering all the good times they had together. he really missed that. josh darted his light eyes to the moon, it’s once all white color transformed into a greyish-cream color.

“i’ve been in a tough spot. you remember that guy i met at the club with the platinum hair?” josh asked, laying back and staring up to the ceiling, admiring the dark brown blades of the fan.

“yeah, you guys getting married soon or what?” pete joked.

“pete, this guy was abusive. every day he would hit me for...” josh’s voice trailed off, not really having an answer for that.

“you don’t have to explain to me, josh. just please tell me you’re okay and safe.” the enthusiasm in pete’s voice disappeared, replaced by a serious tone.

“i am. i’m with my friend, tyler.”

“is he nice to you?”

“yes. he’s a great guy, you should meet him!” josh got excited at the thought of his friends being friends with each other. he thought pete and tyler would get along great.

“how about this: patrick and i are having a small housewarming party on saturday. we moved to a bigger house now that patrick wants to have kids.”

josh sat up, choking on his own spit. pete and patrick were going to have kids? whoa.

“really? that’s so sweet.”

josh wanted to have a family one day, with someone who showed him the correct way to love. maybe then he would be able to see his colors and share stories with his kids like how his ladies did with him.

“it’s going to be tough, but i think we’re ready. anyways, you should totally come to it. bring tyler, he sounds nice.”

josh nodded, humming in agreement. he heard the door open downstairs, and beamed as he was expecting tyler.

“oh, tyler’s back. i’ll talk to you later.”

“okay. bye, joshy.”

then the line went dead.

josh looked up when he saw someone by his door, and his heart dropped as he saw the familiar black lip ring and platinum hair.

“well, well, well. nice to see you again, joshy.” alex wore a smile.

“what the fuck are you doing here? haven’t you taken enough from me?” josh’s voice quivered in fear as he backed up and hit the headboard.

“i’m here to finish what i started before that piece of shit got in our way. you should tell him to lock his doors, by the way.” alex closed the door, locking it.

“no. no, no, no.” josh’s heart sped up as he knew what he was talking about.

**!!!**

he could barely see, his tears flooding his vision. he didn’t know what to do, he couldn’t run or make any sudden movements as alex would probably catch him and stop him. he heard a zipper being pulled down and shut his eyes tightly, thinking that maybe if he couldn’t see it, he would stop. he kept trying to back up, though there was nowhere to go, hiding his face in his hands.

he felt the bed dip, and alex’s rough hands pulling him into a position. josh fought back, scratching at alex’s face and aimlessly throwing punches, kicking and shouting.

he didn’t want this.

alex placed his large hand over josh’s mouth, prohibiting any noises he could make. josh still tried to fight back, but alex hastily removed the striped, grey tie around his neck and taking his hand off of josh’s mouth to tie his hands together. josh couldn’t swallow down the lump in his throat as he tried to blink back the fear in his eyes. he was breathing heavily, looking around for anything he could use to escape alex.

there was nothing inside of his room that could save him, and josh was ultimately helpless.

small sobs racked his body as he was trapped underneath alex, the only sounds of heavy breathing and clothing being moved around, and soon josh felt the cold air prickle at his bare legs.

he was begging alex to stop, his voice muffled through alex’s hand on his mouth. he felt warm tears trickle down his temples as he tried to think, but his thoughts were clouded with panic and jumbled with thoughts of alex. his chest jumped with sobs as he was _helpless,_ his eyes blowing wide as he felt alex enter his body, kicking his legs to try to get him away, but alex was too strong and held onto josh’s hips, sure to cause bruising later. to say it hurt was an understatement, josh felt like he was being _ripped in half._

he just wanted alex to kill him so he wouldn’t have to go through this. he _hated_ it.

he wanted to die.

he felt the bile raise in his throat as alex elicited soft moans, josh’s body rocking forcefully along with the bed. he was numb to the pain now, not feeling anything but the harsh abrasions of the silk tie against his wrist and alex’s clammy hand over his mouth. he felt what he figured was blood trickle out of him, and he shut his eyes tightly again, his tears overwhelming him as they flowed freely down his face. he was still trying to beg alex to stop, although he probably didn’t hear or care. he wished tyler was here to save him again, but he was with jenna now.

josh tried to think again, this time happy thoughts. they were of tyler.

josh imagined tyler’s happy smile as alex sped up, josh’s entire body on fire and alex had the gasoline on his hands.

he tried to imagine tyler’s fluffy, soft hair that managed to look great in a quiff all the time as he was pressed into the bed even further.

he tried to imagine tyler’s tattoos on his arm that were so abstract, causing josh to want to discover their meaning as alex used josh to reach his high.

he tried to imagine tyler coming back to him as alex took off the ties and left him on the bed, slamming the door shut.

_he just wanted to die._

he curled in on himself, trying to ignore the throbbing pain as he couldn’t breathe, the sobs stuck in his throat. in fact, he was sobbing now, angry at himself for letting alex do that to him. he could’ve put up a better fight, he could’ve stopped alex with words, if not, actions. he was stupid for not doing anything.

_he could’ve stopped it._

////

tyler came home a little later than expected, unlocking the front door and yawning slightly.

he had fun with jenna tonight, and he made sure to bring back food for josh just in case he was hungry later. he peeked over the railing of the stairs and noticed josh’s door was closed and his lights were off, so he was probably asleep. tyler put the bag of food in the microwave, josh’s shake in the refrigerator.

he sleepily made his way into his bedroom, stripping down to his boxers and falling away into his bed, quickly drifting off to sleep.

he probably should’ve checked on josh.


	10. {sheets}

**!**

josh didn’t get any sleep last night.

every time he heard the faintest noise, he would jump up as his eyelids were beginning to droop, scanning the black room and preparing for the worst. he woke up with his heart beating fast and sweat slicking his body, breathing heavily. he never knew why; he had a dreamless sleep, so it couldn’t have been from a nightmare.

josh was in the same, closed-off position on his bed, recalling the events from last night. they played like a movie in his head, replaying over and over like a scratched cd. he didn’t even flinch when he heard knocking from the other side of the door, not looking at tyler when he poked his head through the small opening.

“hey, jish. breakfast is ready.”

josh nodded, not really wanting to talk. he just wanted to cry, die, leave. just...

anything but talk.

tyler left, assuming josh was still sleeping, and josh could hear his light footsteps go down the stairs until he couldn’t hear them anymore. he just stared up ahead, the only thing he could focus on was alex.

tyler was oblivious to the situation, happily eating his breakfast. although it would be more fun with josh next to him and talking to him, he’s eaten on his own before. when josh had gotten enough energy, which was barely, to get out of bed, he slowly made his way to the bathroom mirror. he looked at himself.

the bruises on his face were healing, and the scar on his cheek had lost the scab, but it left a discolored grey line on his face. he sighed, blinking hard at himself, thinking. with shaky hands, he hesitantly lifted his shirt and pulled a part of his pants down, revealing ugly bruises on his hip. he felt his eyebrows come together as he stared down at each reminder on his skin, vision cloudy. he decided it was enough, removing his hand from his shirt and getting ready to start his day.

tyler was checking his notifications on twitter when he heard shuffling and the door being opened.

“josh?” he asked.

josh came into the kitchen after a moment of being called, standing at the doorway. his expression was blank, dark circles underneath his eyes and he looked drained.

“are you going to work now?”

josh nodded, waiting for any further questions. tyler went over to josh, concerned. he hadn’t spoken all morning, and he was beginning to get worried. did something happen? he reached his hand out to comfortingly touch josh’s shoulder, confused as to why josh tensed up and pushed him away.

“no, thank you.” with that, josh turned and left the house, leaving a dumbfounded tyler standing in the middle of the kitchen.

////

tyler decided it would be laundry day today; he hadn’t cleaned his sheets in about two weeks.

he wished josh was here to help him do it, knowing that it’d go much faster, but he was at work. he peeled off the sheets from his bedroom and stuffed them in a hamper, going to josh’s room when he saw that his own bed was bare of any covering.

he walked into the room, sniffing slightly. it smelled different in here. it wasn’t bad, but it just was...

off.

he shrugged it away, though, going towards the bed and pushing back the white duvet. he picked it up in his hands, dropping it immediately when he saw the huge dark grey stain on it. as a matter of fact, the grey stains were on the white sheets as well. sure, tyler couldn’t see color, but he _knew_ what a bloodstain looked like.

that was a red flag for tyler, and he honestly didn’t know what to think. what was josh doing? what happened for there to be _blood_ in josh’s bed?

tyler called josh immediately, frantically looking around the room for any other signs that he could use to piece the puzzle together.

_what was josh doing?_

he found nothing.

“hello?” josh asked, the perk in his voice nonexistent.

“josh, can you please come home? i need to talk to you right now.” tyler said.

“okay.”

and in those fifteen minutes, tyler balled up the bloodied sheets as best as he could without touching them and put them aside, not wanting them to ruin his other sheets and/or washing machine. he didn’t know what was going on and was beginning to freak out a bit. josh had been acting strange and he wanted to help him with whatever was going on, but _blood?_

he sat in the middle of the floor in josh’s bedroom, trying not to overthink as he waited for his roommate to come home. he rushed downstairs when he heard the front door open. josh came in, the same blank expression he wore this morning carried on with him until the afternoon.

“josh, can you explain to me why there’s blood on the sheets?’ tyler asked gently, not wanting to cause josh to be upset if anything did happen.

josh exhaled deeply, his breath coming out in shaky huffs. tyler noticed he had tears pooling on his waterline immediately, and went to give him a hug, or something to make it go away. josh pulled back, stopping tyler from doing anything else.

“alex...found out where you lived.” josh’s voice was shaking with embarrassment and sadness and _hatred_ for everything and everyone.

tyler didn’t need an explanation after that, he knew exactly what happened.

the flinching away from tyler when he tried to do anything to josh,

the blood on the bedsheets,

the loss of appetite,

and the poker face josh had on all day.

he’d just gotten out of an abusive relationship with alex, and tyler found him with his pants pulled down the first time he saved him from alex. he finally had something to put the pieces together.

josh was raped.

right in his own house.


	11. {progress}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. hey guys! how are you liking the story so far, is it okay? 
> 
> just to let you know, this is a filler chapter, so it is very short :)
> 
> enjoy!)

it took weeks for josh to finally start talking to tyler again.

he still backed away from touch, despite tyler promising him that he wouldn’t hurt him.

ever.

tyler was the type of guy to keep his promises.

as for alex, the second tyler stopped the conversation with josh that day, he called the police. he told them everything, despite josh’s expressions. he never told him not to, because maybe it was what he needed. maybe it would help him out.

they were sat on the couch now, josh to the far end and tyler sitting crisscross-applesauce on the other end. they were watching a tv show, tyler remembered the name of it as “the 100”. he wasn’t really paying attention, he was shooting sideways glances at josh, just observing him. tyler didn’t think it was weird, but maybe josh did, so he didn’t want to make it _too_ obvious that he was staring at him.

through everything josh had to deal with, he still managed to keep his spirits up as high as he could. tyler had assured him that alex wouldn’t come back, as he got his friend to install an alarm in the house and tyler would be there with josh for as long as he wanted to try to keep him safe. although alex was in jail, tyler was still understandably paranoid, and he wanted to do everything he could to help. josh appreciated that tyler was watching out for him.

he really did.

by now, tyler was admiring the way josh got really into the show, leaning a forwards a bit with his big, pretty eyes gleaming in awe. his mouth was parted, eyes darting back and forth as the characters ran onto the screen. tyler couldn’t help but giggle as josh gasped at the tv.

“did you see that?” josh asked, pointing at the television and looking at tyler.

“no, what happened?”

“i don’t even know!”

tyler just shook his head at josh, smiling slightly as he got wrapped up in the show.

“josh, would you like to go to the cafe?” tyler asked, getting bored from the tv. josh pondered over it, deciding that a visit to his ladies would be nice.

“okay.” he nodded.

tyler went over to the coat rack and pulled on his jacket, waiting for josh to join him at the front door. tyler grabbed josh’s coat as well, gesturing to put it on him as josh met him. tyler held it out for him to put on, but josh took the coat from his hands, as he’d rather put it on himself. tyler noticed this and decided he would try again at a different time. he offered tyler a shy smile in which he gladly took, opening the door for him and later the passenger’s seat. josh was confused by all of these nice things tyler was doing for him, but he didn’t mind them.

he didn’t mind tyler.


	12. {cement}

it was a few days after december, and tyler’s birthday was today.

he usually didn’t go out for it, he just slept really late. that was his present – the gift of sleep.

but josh wasn’t having any of it.

he woke up really early, deciding he would bake tyler a cheesecake. he didn’t want to bake him any cupcakes, they were disgusting and he didn’t want to ruin tyler’s birthday, so he settled on a cake instead. tyler talked a lot, and he sometimes thought josh didn’t listen to him, but he did. that’s how he found himself opening two packages of oreos, crushing them and putting them in the cream cheese mixture.

he made two layers, putting more crushed oreos in between the light, fluffy cheesecake, quickly making a ganache and flooding it around the edges. it looked really good, josh proud of himself. he just hoped tyler would like it.

he heard tyler’s bedroom door open as he was putting whole oreos on the cake, placing them right on top of the swirls of whipped cream he piped with the ziploc bags on top of the refrigerator.

“josh?” tyler asked, curious as josh wasn’t in his room.

“i’m in the kitchen. could you come here for a second?” josh asked, checking out the cake one more time before deciding it was perfect.

he heard tyler’s sock-covered feet sliding against the hardwood floor, then they stopped right in front of the kitchen opening. tyler smiled widely upon seeing josh and the cake on the table, hiding his face in his hands.

“happy birthday, tyler!” josh shouted, smiling at tyler.

“aw, josh. thank you.”

josh held his arms out for tyler, deciding that he would try to give _him_ the hug this time. josh was sure tyler wouldn’t do anything to him, a hug was just a friendly gesture. tyler recognized this, in which he gladly accepted, hugging josh tightly.

tyler thought josh was really nice, and when they were eating a part of the top tier, he thought it was the best thing he’s ever tasted. josh watched as tyler took a bite of the cake, not touching his until he got feedback from tyler. he was half expecting him to not say anything and keep it to himself, half expecting him to flip the table and curse him out for making such an awful cake.

his heart beat steadily in his chest as he tried to make it less obvious that he was watching tyler eat it.

“huly thit, joth.” tyler said, his mouth full of cheesecake.

“yeah?” josh asked, fearing tyler’s response.

“this is fucking amazing.” with that, he scooped another spoonful into his mouth.

“really?” josh lit up, smiling when he said that.

maybe his baking wasn’t so bad after all.

tyler nodded. “have you even thought about becoming a professional baker?”

“no. alex told me my baking was shit, so i never baked anything again until now.”

tyler’s heart hurt for josh. again, alex knocked his walls down. so tyler decided that’s why he was here. his purpose was to fill the holes in josh’s walls with more cement.

“well, i think you make really good stuff. you should pursue it if you enjoy it.”

josh nodded, thinking about what it would be like to actually do something he loved and getting payed for it on his own. he still love his ladies, but trying something new would be nice. he took a bite out of his cake, and he thought it was really good himself.

maybe tyler didn’t lie like alex did.


	13. {christmas}

christmas was coming up soon.

josh was running around the house, setting up fairy lights and other decorations, blasting christmas music and singing along to it. he insisted that he and tyler set up the tree now, so they wouldn’t “forget about it last minute”. how can tyler forget about christmas? it was the day he could give presents to all the amazing people in his life.

“please, tyler?”

“josh, it’s only the tenth today.”

josh pouted, widening his eyes and raising his eyebrows at tyler, and he just rolled his eyes and gave in, not being able to say no to josh when he looked like that.

“okay, fine.”

josh has gotten a lot more comfortable with tyler, to say the least. he still flinched at things, like when tyler would raise his hand to get something out of josh’s hair or for a high five, but sometimes if josh wanted to show tyler something that sparked his interest, he’d tug him by his hand for him to come see it. he was okay with tyler touching him now, but sometimes he would think a little too much and tyler would have to help josh go to sleep at night or get out of the house for that matter.

for now, tyler’s main focus was distracting josh from his thoughts, so he had josh on his shoulders, trying to put the lit up star on the top.

“tyler! it’s not going on.” josh pouted again, looking at the crooked star at the top of the fake tree.

“now what?”

“maybe you could get on my shoulders.”

“josh, i’d crush you.”

“you’re literally three pounds, come on.”

tyler chuckled as josh climbed off his shoulders, switching places with him as tyler awkwardly shifted his legs around josh. he reached up, feeling his ribs stretch as he placed the star on the tree. josh was trying to balance underneath tyler, holding onto his thighs and stepping back a few inches. tyler looked at the glowing, white star on top of the grey tree, smiling in approval.

he hopped off of josh’s back, standing next to him and admiring the way the it looked on the bare tree. they didn’t put the ornaments on, but they had boxes filled with them in which were stacked on top of each other.

“can we put the ornaments on the tree, now?” josh asked eagerly, looking up at tyler.

“josh, christmas is in three weeks. we have time. why do you want to do it so early?”

josh sighed, looking at the floor. maybe he _was_ being a little too excited.

“alex never let me decorate for any holiday. i just want to do it to remember what it feels like. it’s nice, seeing the house lit up and streamers and stuff. but if you want to do it some other time, we can.”

tyler listened.

alex was controlling, he remembered from when josh told him that. he didn’t want to prohibit josh from doing what he wanted to do. and he felt like an ass, because he basically just told josh he was being annoying. he didn’t mean it like that, but maybe josh thought he did.

“actually, i changed my mind. there’s nothing wrong with being festive. let’s finish, okay?” tyler opened the box of ornaments, looking back at josh from behind his shoulder.

he smiled when he saw josh lit up again, nodding and taking the ornaments out of another box.

if doing simple things like this made josh smile, tyler would do them any day.

////

“josh! you missed the housewarming party!” pete said into the phone.

josh shut his eyes tightly, shutting off his sense of color while trying to block out the memory of why he missed pete’s party from his head.

“yeah, i’m sorry about that. i just...i couldn’t make it, pete.”

“don’t apologize, it’s all good. are you doing anything for christmas?”

josh positioned himself so that his head was hanging off the front of the couch and his feet were dangling off of the back of it.

“i think i might just hang out with tyler. if you still want to meet him, we could hold something.”

“if you’d like to. i still want to meet him, though.”

“okay, i could ask. hold on.” josh put his hand over the speaker of the phone, shouting for tyler.

he smiled softly as tyler appeared in the doorway, his hair a mess and his clothes wrinkled.

“were you sleeping?” josh asked, titling his head to the side.

“no, i was laying on the couch. what’s up?”

“can we have a christmas party?”

tyler looked up at the ceiling in thought, dramatically stroking his chin and frowning.

“yeah, if you want to.” he shrugged.

“do you want to?” josh asked, double checking.

this was his house also, but he forgot sometimes and felt like he needed to ask tyler for a lot of things pertaining to it.

“josh, this is your house, too, you know. you don’t have to ask me for anything. do what you want.”

“okay, thank you, tyler.”

tyler offered him a small smile, josh putting the phone up to his ear and continuing the conversation with pete.

“did you hear that?” he asked into the phone.

“yup, i like him already. i’ll see you soon, okay?”

“okay. bye, petey.”

with that, they hung up, josh now jittery that he would be throwing a party. tyler didn’t mind, but he knew he needed to clean the place up, and he hated cleaning. he walked past the glowing christmas tree, he and josh being able to finish setting it up.

josh sat crisscross-applesauce on the bed, thinking about everything.

he’s only been with tyler for about a month now, but he was finally seeing colors. they were dim, but he could tell what color the scarf he wore yesterday was, and he now knew what color the christmas lights on the tree were. he smiled to himself.

he was happy he had tyler.


	14. {debby}

“josh! do we have everything?” tyler called from the kitchen as he assorted the grey candy in a tiered, glass bowl. they were all different shades, but tyler just called them grey because they were all the same color.

“yeah! everything’s set up. thank you again for letting me have this.” josh called from his room, hanging up the last few streamers around the front door. he was able to see the red tinsel sparkling in the light. _barely_ , but it was there.

he met tyler by the front door as he heard the doorbell chime throughout the house, looking at him with wide eyes. tyler was clad in reindeer antlers, josh insisting that they be festive themselves. tyler didn’t mind seeing josh with his fluffy hair underneath a grey santa hat, so he agreed.

“petey!” josh lit up upon seing his bleached blonde friend, pulling him in a tight hug.

“josh! i missed you so much, man!”

and while pete and who tyler assumed was patrick were having a conversation with josh, tyler didn’t know what to do, so he just stood there and waited for something to happen.

“and you must be tyler! josh talks about you a ton.” there it is.

wait what?

tyler couldn’t help but blush softly at this remark. josh talks about him to his friends? that’s really sweet.

“yeah, that’s me.” tyler smiled and shook both pete and patrick’s hand, inviting them inside.

“josh, who else did you invite?” tyler asked once pete and patrick helped themselves to the jellybeans on the bottom stack of the tiered bowl.

“andy, joe, brendon, debby. like all of my friends. i only have a few, don’t worry.”

tyler’s idea of “a few” was maybe three or four, not the ten or so people that crowded their living room. he didn’t mind it, not at all, but he would’ve prepared with even extra food for everyone. now brendon was chugging the last of the vodka behind the minibar, drunk off of his ass.

“tyler, my man! you gotta try this!” pete put his arm around his waist and led the very confused tyler to the minibar, brendon behind the counter and pouring different bottles of liquor into one glass.

he was told not to take drinks from anyone, and what brendon was mixing looked like death. but he shrugged, taking a sip of it when he was finished pouring the alcohol in and almost passing out right then and there. tyler wasn’t much of a drinker, and _man,_ was that strong.

he decided he wanted to go see josh, just to check on how he was doing. he set the drink down and began to search for him around his house, not finding him in the living room. he checked outside, seeing josh talking to a girl in a cute christmas sweater.

he walked up to them, josh stopping the conversation with debby and greeting tyler with a smile, excited to see him again.

“hi, josh.”

“hey, ty.”

“are you alright?”

“yes, i’m okay. are you?”

“i think so. brendon made me a drink but it was really strong.”

“tyler! didn’t i tell you not to take drinks from brendon especially? he’s crazy when he drinks...but it’s the best type of brendon.” josh smiled to himself, thinking about all the times brendon did stupid shit when he drank.

“are you guys dating?” debby asked, raising her perfectly arched eyebrow.

“huh?” that definitely caught tyler’s attention.

“are y’all a thing?” she asked again, nodding her head for emphasis.

“uh...n-no.” josh shook his head, looking down at the cup he was holding. he wondered why debby would ask such a question.

and it was then that tyler wanted to deteriorate on himself, internally cringing because of how awkward it got. he didn’t know what to do now, josh nor debby talking. they were just standing in silence. debby noticed the uncomfortable tension, so she decided to break the ice.

“josh, a few of us are going up to colorado in a month. do you want to come with?” she just remembered the trip, pete and patrick mentioning something about how they really wanted josh to come. she didn’t listen to them sometimes.

“in a month? um, yeah, i could probably go.” he looked at tyler, silently asking for permission.

“what?” tyler asked, oblivious as to why josh was staring at him.

“can i go?” he asked.

that question.

that one simple question hurt tyler’s heart so much. josh felt the need to ask to hang out with his friends. he didn’t feel like an individual person anymore, as alex had left chains on him that kept him bound to the old relationship he was in.

“josh,” tyler pouted, taking josh’s hand in his, “you don’t have to ask me about things like this. do what you want; you’re your own person, okay?”

josh stared down at their interlocked hands, wondering why his hand felt good in tyler’s smaller, soft one. and he was _also_ wondering why he had butterflies in his chest as tyler began swinging their hands in between them, waiting for josh to answer.

“okay. thank you, tyler.” josh offered a smile, in which tyler returned, detaching their hands and walking away, going to find more of josh’s friends. he liked the majority of the people in their house, so why not?

“are you sure you’re not dating him?” debby asked, watching tyler go.

“yeah, i’m one-hundred percent. he’s just really...affectionate, that’s it.” josh shrugged, not minding it at all.

“okay...” debby said, looking up playfully.

meanwhile, she was devising a plan in the back of her mind. she saw something in josh’s eyes when they were holding hands, and she saw the way tyler’s smile widened a little more upon seeing him. josh didn’t know what he was feeling, but he liked tyler a lot.

he liked being tyler’s friend.

he didn’t think he was ready for a relationship again. what if tyler was like alex? he never thought alex would hurt him like he did, he was nice the first time they met. although, josh should’ve known that alex was an asshole as soon as they went on their first date.

josh and tyler hadn’t gone on a date yet, though.

josh whipped his head to the pool when he heard a burst of wild laughter and a loud splash, some of the chlorine-treated water getting in his drink. he made a face and poured it out, not really in the mood to get sick. he saw brendon, still laughing and floating in the pool, holding onto a noodle he found in the little chest of pool toys they had.

his wet hair was sticking to his face as he closed his eyes, and josh thought for a good second that he actually fell asleep. but then he started laughing again, for what, josh didn’t know. he found it amusing nonetheless.

josh and tyler were getting tired at around 1am, but they weren’t keeping track of time. by now, half of the guests had gone home, leaving just brendon to crash on the couch. tyler didn’t care, and josh was too tired to make sure he didn’t, so they covered him with a blanket before going to their separate bedrooms.

josh took off his santa hat, along with his shirt and pants, slipping into bed and calling it a night.


	15. {actual christmas}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. hey guys!
> 
> this is an incredibly LONG chapter, sorry about that! i didn't realize how much it was when i wrote it, but to help out, it takes place over the course of a day and one hour.
> 
> thank you, enjoy!)

“tyler! tyler! wake up! it’s christmas today!”

tyler groaned as he felt the bed dip in one spot rhythmically, josh jumping up and down on tyler’s mattress like a child. he didn’t know why he’d gotten up so early, but he couldn’t sleep the night before as he was excited for tyler to open the presents he’d gotten him. there were big boxes underneath the christmas tree, each one covered in colorful paper.

josh could actually see the paper this time, just faintly. when he was around tyler, though, he could see the colors a little better, so right now, he could see tyler was sleeping beneath a blue striped comforter, the fabric just covering his bare torso and his red, heart-print boxers.

“josh!”

“wake up! christmas!” josh shouted, jumping into a crisscross-applesauce position on the end of tyler’s bed.

“no.”

“but tyler.” josh pouted, really wanting tyler to open his gifts.

tyler opened one eye slightly, seeing josh with his bottom lip poking out and in a unicorn onesie. the hood had a horn on it, josh’s arms a little too long for the onesie itself, so of course about a quarter of his forearms could be seen. the onesie covered his feet and everything.

he tried to go back to sleep, but kept thinking about josh and couldn’t contain his smiles. he sighed, rolling his eyes playfully and slowly getting up, rubbing his eyes free of the grogginess from last night and went into the bathroom while josh waited for him on his bed. he freshened up, brushing his teeth and washing his face before being tugged along by josh down the stairs.

tyler raised his eyebrow at josh as he handed him a large box. he took it, surprised at how heavy it was, and looked up at josh when he heard movement. tyler took of the lid slowly, peering inside. he squealed as he saw a fluffy kitten staring back up at him, its dull, blue eyes gleaming in the lights of the christmas tree.

“josh, did you really?” tyler asked, picking the kitten up out of the box and holding it up, inspecting it.

it seemed like a ragdoll from what tyler has seen on animal planet, but then again he couldn’t tell the difference between a pug and a boxer if he saw one.

josh nodded, answering his question with a big smile on his face. tyler thought about the present he got for josh, and didn’t think it could even compete with the kitten. the cat purred softly as tyler gently scratched behind its ear, then it took his hand in between its paws and started playing with his fingers. tyler giggled at the tickling feeling he got as the cat took his fingers between his teeth, softly biting them.

“what are you doing?” tyler asked the cat, knowing that it couldn’t understand him anyway, but was amused nonetheless as it stared at him with wide eyes.

josh smiled fondly at tyler playing with the kitten, but decided to give him the rest of the presents he made for him.

“uh-uh.” tyler stopped him, setting the kitten down and pulling josh’s gift from underneath the mass of nettles.

josh opened it, confused as he saw boxes upon boxes inside of the present, but pulled it out and smiled brightly. tyler had got him different hair dyes, each one he could barely see, but they were all different colors.

“i know you weren’t allowed to dye your hair before, but i got you all these different ones to try. self-expression is important, and you shouldn’t let that be taken away from you. it’s not anything special, but i just thought you’d like it.” tyler looked at the ground, suddenly embarrassed as to how josh got him a _live kitten_ and all he got for him were dyes.

josh looked up at him, a huge grin on his face. “i love it a lot. thank you so much.”

he was happy. he was so happy that tyler let him do this one, simple thing that probably didn’t mean much to most people. but tyler was right, self-expression is important. alex would never let him do this, but here tyler was, actually giving him dye to try.

if josh was being honest, he was excited to see what his hair would look like again with the dye in it. and if he was being _really_ honest, he liked tyler _a lot_. he didn’t know what was going on, when he felt his stomach do backflips or when his heart would flutter upon seeing tyler smile because of something _he did._

he never felt like this around his friends, only around...alex.

and that’s why josh was afraid of tyler. he knew tyler wouldn’t hurt him, but then again, people change.

and he was afraid of that.

////

tyler and josh decided they would spend the whole day together, tyler insisting that they should do some “household bonding”. in reality, tyler just wanted to spend time with josh and get to know him. tyler was wearing the skeleton hoodie that josh got him, and josh had on the black and white vans that tyler got _him._

tyler promised to put on christmas sweaters and do christmas-related activities together afterwards, but for now, they were checking into a restaurant that looked festive. it had candy canes and snowmen decorating the outside windows, so why not?

“hello, gentlemen. would you two like a secluded table?” the lady at the counter asked, holding two menus.

josh blushed deeply at this, looking to the floor as tyler tried to say a simple “no”, but ended up squeaking out an “okay” instead. they awkwardly followed the waitress to a table in the back of the restaurant, where she gave them the menus and wrote down their drink orders.

“tyler, can i have cookies?” josh asked, pointing at the sprinkle-covered sugar cookies on the menu.

“sure, if you want to.” tyler giggled at how childish josh was being, but he loved it. josh was cute. “just don’t get a stomach ache, okay?” tyler said, flipping through the laminated pages of the menu.

he settled on the christmas pancakes, they looked pretty good, but he’d have to taste it to make sure.

“would you like to try our complementary love potion? it’s a pomegranate champagne imported from the netherlands.” the waitress, julia, announced to the both of them.

josh’s face went red again, and tyler smirked. “yeah, that’d be cool. thanks.” he smiled at the waitress.

“alright, what else can i get for you?” she asked.

they told her their orders and waited, making small talk about anything and everything. tyler liked the fact that he could talk to josh easily. josh liked the fact that tyler was making him see his favorite color now, in which he decided was the shade of pink that dusted tyler’s cheeks and nose in the cold weather.

“josh, do you mind telling me about...him?” tyler asked. “it’s totally okay if you don’t want to talk about it. i’m just curious.” he quickly followed, not wanting to upset josh as this was a very serious and sensitive subject.

josh looked at the table, the memories pooling in his mind like a flood. there were many, replaying in his head over and over, one after the other. the first kiss they shared, the first time alex hit him, the control alex had over his life. they all added up to one specific memory – tyler saving him.

so he decided he would talk about it.

“i’m sorry,. i shouldn’t hav-”

“i met him at a club,” josh started, looking up at tyler through his lashes before fully facing him, “and he was the sweetest. he was a little straight-forward, though. i took him out, and right then, i should’ve known it was a red flag by the way he criticized what i was wearing and how pretentious he was. he had a problem with everything i did.

“time passed, and he’d come home from work sometimes and be angry for some reason. he took it out on me, hitting me and calling me names and insulting me all the time. it made me feel really bad...” tyler listened intently as josh’s voice cracked at the thought of alex telling him how ugly he looked in his favorite sweater, “and then everyday he’d start abusing me.”

“but then i met you, and you helped me get away from him, and i don’t think i could ever thank you enough for that.” josh smiled softly at tyler before continuing. “then you were out with jenna that one night and he came into the house and-and i guess he picked the lock or something, and he...” he didn’t finish, instead tears threatened to spill off his waterline, and he tried to blink them away before tyler got upset or the waitress came back to ask him what was wrong.

tyler’s heart hurt, and he couldn’t help but think it was his fault for making him remember. he shouldn’t have asked, but josh felt he needed to explain it. he was okay for now, and he learned it wasn’t good to keep emotions in, otherwise you might blow up on the wrong person at the wrong time.

he learned that from alex especially.

“i was mad at myself, i kept telling myself i could’ve stopped it, i could’ve put up a better fight, i could’ve ran...i was mad at alex for doing that to me. he told me i deserved it, and i started to believe him. i tried lots of things, going to the gym more to let off steam, writing it down, anything. i was thinking about taking it out on myself, and...” he rested his head in his hands, gaze trained on the table and his eyebrows pulled together. “i was just... _really_ mad, you know?”

josh’s eyebrows furrowed at the thought of him almost bringing himself to self-harm, but he didn’t think tyler would appreciate it, or himself in the long-run, so he didn’t do it. he wouldn’t do it, he decided talking it out was better. and it was; he felt some of the weight on his shoulders lift off of them, and he felt a little bit better knowing tyler was there for him.

tyler gave him a whole speech about why it’s important to keep going when josh was done, and that he didn’t deserve anything that alex did to him, and that he would make sure josh was okay at all times.

“and i’m not going to go mom-mode on you, but don’t be doing anything strange when i knock on your door to make sure you’re okay.”

josh laughed at what tyler was implying, rolling his eyes. josh liked that tyler was always here, and tyler decided that he’d always be there for him, no matter what.

“tyler, thank you.”

tyler responded by smiling sweetly at josh, noticing the waiter was coming, tyler’s pancakes emitting steam. josh gasped at the plate of cookies he got, holding a stocking-shaped one up and giving it to tyler.

“it reminds me of you.” josh shrugged when tyler looked at him.

“how so?”

“because it looks pretty normal at first, right? but once you get to really know it, it holds stuff. some things are eh, other things are like ‘whoa!’, and some things are sad and you didn’t really want them for christmas. but as you get to know it, you grow to like it and be thankful for the little things inside of it, even if they’re not giant gifts, you know?” josh ranted, smiling as somehow, through all of that, he thought of tyler.

“wow, josh. that’s pretty cool. thank you.” tyler smiled, taking a bite out of the cookie.

it was soft towards the middle, but the outside of the cookie was crunchy. nice.

“whoever made these, i love them.” tyler said, finishing it.

josh smiled, kind of confused as to why these tasted so familiar, but pushed the thought to the back of his mind as he remembered that most cookies are the same. but he couldn’t help to think of it again when he ate another one. it just was...different.

the waitress was passing by, so josh politely called her over.

“excuse me, but are these cookies homemade?” he asked, holding one up.

“no, sir. we get them from the little cafe a few blocks down, with the three little ladies. they have the best desserts there, i don’t know the guy who makes them though. i think his name is, like, john, or something.”

and josh felt his heart swell and he smiled brightly.

“okay, thank you.”

“why so smiley?” tyler asked, a small smile threatening to crack his features itself.

“they get their desserts from the cafe i work at. i make everything there, and she just said they have the best kind.”

“aw, that’s nice. i’m telling you, you should totally open your own bakery.” tyler urged, thinking it’d be really cool for josh to have his own bakery.

“maybe i should. but i don’t have the financials for it.”

“that’s why you have me, duh.” tyler rolled his eyes playfully.

“wait, really? you’d help me?”

“of course, man. that’s why we’re bros.” tyler cut into his pancake, eating the piece that was on the fork.

josh smiled, although feeling slightly disappointed.

he just trained his focus on the dull multitude of colored frostings on the cookies in front of him, wishing they were just a little bit brighter.

just a little.

////

tyler and josh had gone out to buy ingredients for a gingerbread house and cookies, along with the ugliest christmas sweaters they could find. they came back, the brightly lit blue and green fairly lights lining the roof and door of their house, contrasting against the dark sky.

josh was excited. he loved the holidays, especially spending it with close friends. he didn’t like spending it with his family, since they were religious freaks and he liked boys. well, he liked both boys and girls, except he preferred boys a little bit more.

when they got inside the house, they both scrambled to the nearest bedroom and changed their shirts quickly, excited to make more food and get into the christmas spirit.

josh was clad in a teal, fuzzy sweater with rudolph stitched in thick wool on the front. tyler, however, had a sweater with santa in the infamous kim kardashian pose, a jug of milk shooting into a cup resting on his ass. it was a...unique sweater to say the least.

and tyler loved it.

“what do you want to do first?” tyler asked josh, who was checking himself out in a santa hat in the mirror.

“um...maybe the gingerbread?” josh asked, looking up at tyler with excited eyes.

“okay.”

josh led tyler to the kitchen, where everything was still in the brown, plastic bags of the grocery store. josh began to make the gingerbread as tyler read the instructions on how to make the royal icing.

“what the hell?” he couldn’t understand the first sentence, the fuck was cream of tartar?

“it’s in the cabinet.” josh had a small amused smile on his face, knowing exactly what tyler was talking about.

tyler managed to make the shiny icing anyway, his hands and forehead covered with it when he dramatically wiped the non-existent sweat from it. he literally had to had whisk this thing for ten minutes, and it was only then when he decided he needed to go to the gym. this was terrible.

josh put the gingerbread in the oven and set the timer. in the meantime, they were both washing their hands to get rid of the leftover ingredients.

“that was fun. baking’s cool.” tyler commented, proudly looking back at the bowl full of the icing he made.

“we should open a bakery together.” josh added, smiling.

“we should. it could be called ‘josh and tyler’.”. tyler said, making a rainbow shape in front of his face.

“or it could be called ‘tyler and josh’.” josh mimicked the same hand gestures.

“ty and josh”.

“josh and ty. or maybe ‘jish and tyjo’.”

“ooo! i like that! it’ll be ‘jish and tyjo’, tell all your friends.”

josh giggled and followed tyler into the living room where he opened up the couch bed, sitting down on it and selecting a christmas movie off of netflix. josh just stood there awkwardly, not really knowing where to sit. he didn’t know if tyler would want him sitting next to him or not.

tyler patted the seat next to him anyways, and josh sat crisscross-applesauce, relieved. his attention was caught by the soft meows of the kitten coming down the hallway, it’s small tail perked up and it trotted over to them. it circled around in between josh’s legs, curling up and resting it’s head on his thigh.

josh smiled fondly at it, lightly scratching behind its soft ear. he really liked cats.

“what should we name it?” tyler asked, watching josh and the cat.

“let’s see. he’s white and grey, light eyes – maybe blue? – fluffy. any suggestions?” josh looked to tyler for any ideas.

“how about smokey? because it looks like he’s covered in smoke.”

“smokey it is.” josh nodded.

they turned back to the movie, the one about the evil snowman who killed everyone in the neighborhood. about halfway through, the oven beeped, and tyler went to go take it out of the oven since smokey was still curled up in josh’s lap.

josh heard the oven door being opened and shut again, the pan clacking on the table noisily and tyler yelling a profanity.

“ty? are you okay?” josh instantly paused the movie and twisted his body around to the kitchen entrance, looking for any sign of tyler through it. he just heard his voice.

“yeah, i just burned myself on accident.” tyler hissed, running the hand under cold water.

josh got up to check the damages, setting a now awake smokey on the couch. he looked to see tyler with his hand underneath the faucet, his hand visibly discolored.

“let me see.” josh held his hand out for tyler.

streaks of dull but bright grey coated tyler’s hand from his pointer finger to the middle of his palm, parts of his skin already starting to blister. josh pouted, thinking about what to do first.

“here, i’ll go get some things while you keep running it under cold water, okay?” josh said, exiting the kitchen.

to tyler, this hurt like ass. it was continuously stinging even under the cold water, and he hoped whatever josh had would help, because his hand was feeling all sorts of temperatures under this water.

josh returned with aloe vera cream and bandages, taking tyler’s hand again and gently applying the aloe to his skin with a q-tip. he wrapped the bandages around his skin carefully, tyler’s hand shaking from the shock of the burn and the fear that it would hurt if josh made any sudden movements.

eventually they were finished, and josh proceeded to make them hot chocolate, just because. except this time, josh put half hot milk and half cold milk in tyler’s mug so that it was warm, not hot. he didn’t want to irritate his burn.

“ty, is your hand feeling any better?” josh asked, looking at tyler next to him.

tyler nodded, the twisty straw between his pink lips as he looked at josh, answering his question.

he had on josh’s santa hat, a little part of his hair sticking out from underneath the fluffy trim. he had the sleeves of his sweater rolled up and his cheeks were lightly dusted with josh’s favorite color, brown eyes gleaming in the bright kitchen lights. to say he looked cute was an understatement, but if josh kept thinking about it he might do something inexplicably awkward, because he was just naturally an awkward person. so he stopped and continued to sip his hot chocolate, marveling at the feeling of it warming his body.

“thank you for helping me, jish.” tyler said, looking at his bandaged hand.

josh just smiled in return until tyler turned the conversation to the movie they were previously watching. they talked until the gingerbread was forgotten about, but then tyler remembered as they sat with smokey in between them, jumping up and running to the kitchen. the cat clung onto josh’s sweater, climbing and perching on his shoulder. josh didn’t want him to get hurt, so he gently took the cat and held it in is arms.

“tyler, do you know how to cut the gingerbread?”

“yeah, josh.” he said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “i’m a master at cutting gingerbread.”

josh rolled his eyes, setting the kitten with the bright blue eyes on the floor. josh could barely see his colors now, but they were there again, all in which he was excited for. maybe then he’d be able to see what a turquoise looked like.

tyler was able to cut the gingerbread into the shapes josh told read off of the manual in order to finally make their gingerbread house. soon, they had four squares and two triangles, as well as the chilled bowl of royal icing.

“what do we do first, josh?” tyler asked, looking at him.

“well, first we have to fill the piping bag with royal icing.” josh said, grabbing the bowl of homemade icing and bringing it over.

soon, they had everything they needed to make said gingerbread house and began gluing the house together. they hadn’t decided on a design yet, so tyler just suggested they put a bunch of candy on the roof, but josh wanted to make a more clean design.

“like with ropes and windows.” josh suggested, like a traditional house.

“but we’re just going to eat it anyway.” tyler said, leaning his head on his not bandaged hand.

“i know, but wouldn’t you like it to look pretty before you do?” josh didn’t understand why tyler wanted a mess of a house.

“josh, it’s a waste of time.” tyler said, exasperated.

“tyler, we could just-”

“why do we need to decorate the house all fancy? you’re just gonna waste time, josh!”

josh flinched at tyler’s raised voice and turned to the gingerbread house.

“okay, then let’s not decorate it.” josh’s soft voice was shy, as he was upset that he made tyler mad. it’s just something he did best, making people angry.

and he hated himself for it.

tyler’s heart hurt, and he felt like an idiot for yelling at josh over a fucking gingerbread house. he didn’t mean to yell at josh, and he knew josh liked baking, so why couldn’t he go along with it?

“josh, i’m sorry. i didn’t mean it like that. we could decorate it if you want.” tyler said softly, taking the piping bag and beginning to pipe ropes on the roof. “we could-”

“no, it’s okay. i don’t mind.” josh’s gaze was fixed on the house.

“i could tell you’re lying, josh. you’re eyes aren’t on mine.”

josh didn’t say anything, he just kept sticking the grey-colored candies on the white icing tyler piped.

“okay, fine. don’t say anything. just know that i’m sorry, okay?” tyler said again, really feeling bad now.

josh nodded, and together they finished the house in an awkward silence. tyler didn’t like it, and josh didn’t want to say anything about it because he was scared tyler would yell at him again.

maybe he _was_ beginning to be alex.

////

tyler and josh hadn’t spoken since christmas.

it’s only been an hour, considering it was 1am on the day after, but to tyler it felt like an eternity. josh feel asleep next to him on the couch, all the way at the far end. he was curled up underneath a blanket, his brown hair sticking up underneath the blanket that covered his nose.

tyler found himself smiling fondly at josh’s peaceful frame, but then he remembered the argument they had over the gingerbread house. he knows it’s not really a big deal to some, but yelling’s what josh has been used to for the past five months with alex, and tyler just helped him get out of it. so who was he to put him in a place where he was going to experience yelling again?

the last thing he wanted was for josh to think that we was like alex in any way, and he was scared that he would leave tyler. tyler liked josh, he was fun to be around and he liked the way his heart would flutter in his chest whenever josh smiled at him. and him being upset because of tyler made him frown.

“josh?” tyler whispered.

he got no response, the only sound in the room was josh’s soft, slow breathing. he was definitely asleep.

tyler poked him, whispering his name again. this time, josh turned over.

“joooossshhhh.” tyler poked his again, josh’s eyes fluttering open and he hummed.

“i’m sorry.”

“for what?” josh asked, rubbing his eyes and looking around the room. he didn’t know what tyler was talking about.

“for yelling at you about the gingerbread.” tyler looked down at the floor, playing with his thumbs. now he realized how dumb that sounded.

“oh, that? don’t apologize, it’s not a big deal.” josh shrugged, trying to go back to sleep.

“yes, it is. i’m sorry.”

“okay, i forgive you.” josh said, eyes closed.

“really?” he asked, eyes lighting up.

“yeah. now go to sleep, it’s 1am.” josh said, snuggling into the blanket around him.

he opened his eyes in surprise as tyler wrapped his arms around his small frame, engulfing him in a hug. he looked at tyler’s small hands, raising an eyebrow.

“goodnight, josh.” he said, releasing him and going up the stairs to his bedroom.

“night, tyler.” josh murmured, closing his eyes again.


	16. {dentist}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. hey guys!
> 
> TWTLTRTD is such a bop i love panic at the disco :3
> 
> also, apologies for not posting yesterday, i caught up to where i stopped writing before, so i'd have to go n and change/add to it, but i think we're almost halfway there? i'm not sure, but how are you guys liking the story so far? does it make sense and everything, with the colors and stuff? 
> 
> let me know! 
> 
> enjoy!)

“josh, come on, we don’t want to be late!” tyler rushed downstairs, grabbing a banana from the kitchen. **(A.N. tyler likes ‘nanas)**

he rescheduled a dentist appointment for josh, since alex made him miss his last one. josh had never been a fan of the dentist, mainly didn’t like how the elderly man’s hand would shake with a sharp object in his mouth.

“ty, do we have to go?” josh asked, wanting to back out.

“josh, you need a to. something’s wrong.”

“but tyler...” josh pouted, putting on the dull, red sweater tyler handed him. he was thinking about the scary instruments in his mouth.

nope, nope, and nope, he didn’t want to go.

“no buts. come on, josh. i’ll be right there with you. you’ll be fine, but we’re gonna be late if we don’t hurry.” tyler held his hand out for josh to take.

josh looked at it, sighed, and intertwined his fingers with tyler’s. he lightly smiled when he felt his heart beat hard in his chest. he noticed that the sky changed color. it was still a little grey, but josh could faintly see the new shade. he didn’t know what it was called, but he remembered his mother telling him that skies were blue and grass was green. he just didn’t notice how pretty the shades were until now.

he liked the color blue.

he quickly got inside of tyler’s car, buckling his seatbelt and looked around. tyler’s car smelled like coffee and flowers, a scent josh has never experienced before. he liked it.

“tyler, your car smells like flowers.” josh pointed out, trying to see if he had a flower-scented air freshener in here.

“really? i’ve never smelled flowers before.” tyler said, turning down the street and trying to remember if he’s brought any flowers in here.

“never?”

what? how could anyone _not_ smell flowers? they’re everywhere.

“no one has ever gotten me flowers.” tyler shrugged.

josh made a mental note to buy tyler flowers as often as he could. everyone deserved the joy of receiving flowers, and josh decided he would give it to him. with the radio lightly playing the mixtape pete made josh keep, time passed quickly, and soon they arrived at the dentist’s office. it smelled of toothpaste and metal in here, and josh wanted to leave.

“no, josh. we have to see why there’s pain in your mouth.” tyler said, flipping through a music magazine.

which was true, josh had been having trouble eating, the back of his mouth hurting too badly. tyler noticed when josh had blood on his finger, as he poked the area one day to see what was wrong.

as if that helped; it only made his mouth hurt worse.

josh nodded anyway, resting his head on tyler’s shoulder, tyler suddenly becoming nervous. he caught a whiff of the strawberry shampoo josh had used prior to coming here. he glanced over at josh’s shiny, silky brown hair, seeing josh’s dark eyelashes flutter shut. josh decided he would take a nap, as there were about four more people in front of him anyways.

////

“jish, wake up. it’s time.” tyler gently shook josh’s shoulder, waking him up.

josh forgot he was supposed to be at the dentist. how could he have fallen asleep when a stranger was going to prod at his mouth with sharp tools? oh, man – he was fucked. tyler could sense josh’s discomfort, as his eyebrows came together in a worried expression.

“josh, it’s okay. you’ll be fine.” tyler whispered once the nurse was out of earshot.

josh nodded again, feeling a little better. he trusted tyler, so if tyler said it, it must be true. tyler didn’t know why josh was so afraid of the dentist, and frankly, neither did josh. he’s just seen too many horror movies to know that once they start putting things in your mouth, it does _not_ end well. tyler squeezed josh’s hand for reassurance. josh offered him a small smile and sat down in the reclining chair, awaiting the dentist.

he looked at the greyish-blue laminated posters on the wall, reflecting the bright lights and promoting healthy teeth. josh used to think that his teeth were fine, but he still remembers when alex told him his teeth were crooked.

he forgot the last time he smiled with teeth for a picture.

“hello, mr. dun. what seems to be the problem?” the dentist walked in, glasses resting on his bald head and a white lab coat hanging on his shoulders.

_you._

josh decided to tell him about his mouth issue instead. the dentist wrote something on his multitude of papers that were held on a clipboard while josh spoke.

“let’s take a look, then.” the dentist put a tissue around josh’s neck, in which josh felt silly in. he looked like a giant baby.

he moved the lamp to josh’s mouth, telling him to open it. josh parted his lips slowly, shooting tyler a look. he was trying to stifle his laughter as josh sent him an awkward glance, causing josh to smile with his mouth open.

“wider.” the dentist said, bushy eyebrows furrowing on his forehead.

josh tried his best to open his mouth wider, feeling the sides of his mouth stretch and his throat was exposed. another reason why he hated the dentist. what if he choked on a speck of dust?

the dentist poked at josh’s teeth with the sharp thing, josh didn’t care to know what it was called. he shut his eyes, preparing for the worst – the dentist ramming through his tongue with it. josh winced as the dentist poked at his back teeth, those hurting the most.

“okay, josh. it seems to me like your wisdom teeth are inflamed.” the dentist said as he sat josh up again, josh closing his mouth. “we could either take them out of leave them in with antibiotics. you’d be in much more pain, though, as they could get infected.”

josh thought about it. that explains a lot, his wisdom teeth were still in his mouth. he looked at tyler for advice, not knowing whether he should take them out.

“what do you think, tyler?” he asked, causing tyler to look up from the game on his phone.

“i think you should do what you feel is best. make a pros and cons list.”

and josh did exactly that.

“i’ll get them removed.” josh said, thinking over it.

“alright. let’s get the anesthesiologist over here?” the dentist asked the small nurse who led josh to the seat in the first place.

as josh waited, he looked at tyler. he liked the red letterman jacket he had on, and his black skinny jeans. he admired how tyler was so easy to open up to. he was beginning to trust tyler a bit more. if he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have gone to stay with him. tyler changed his life, and josh wanted tyler to know that.

tyler already did know that, though, and he was happy he could help josh. tyler noticed josh staring at him, and looked up to meet his gaze. his stomach churned as he looked into josh’s hazel eyes, smiling as a silent way of saying hi and feeling his heart drum in his ears.

josh waited for the anesthesiologist to come, along with the doctor and nurse. he felt himself get nervous again as he saw the glint of light shine off of the thin needle the dentist was filling with numbing solution. the anesthesiologist put a mask over his nose and told him to breathe, tyler watching intently. he knew he’d have a wonky josh by the end of this.

josh fell asleep and they began taking his wisdom teeth out, tyler going back to the game on his phone. he didn’t want to watch josh get his teeth taken out, but he was about to beat his high score in stack, and he didn’t want to lose now.

“okay, tyler. josh is finished. he should wake up from the anesthesia in a couple of minutes. thank you for your time.” the dentist said, leaving with the nurse and anesthesiologist.

tyler put his phone away, becoming more focused just in case josh made any sudden movements that could hurt himself. he waited for a long time, a few minutes was a lie. it took about an hour for josh to wake up, but to tyler it seemed like twenty-four.

“thyler?” josh asked, his voice deep from sleeping and the gauze in his mouth caused an impediment.

“yeah, josh?”

“i had the thrangest dream, man. i wath in it and...you wath in it.” josh had his eyes closed.

tyler didn’t know why they were still closed, he just woke up from sleep. but whatever.

“and then?”

josh didn’t respond, so tyler guessed he went back to sleep. and he was correct, he heard soft breathing coming from josh. josh didn’t know what he was saying, all tyler knew was that he was amused at how josh seemed like he was drunk off of his ass.

“thyler...gueth whath?” josh murmured after waking up again.

“what?” tyler asked, raising his eyebrow and waiting for josh to continue.

“i met thith boy once. heth really...funny and nith...and hath the cuteth little dimpleth.” josh poked his own cheeks for emphasis.

“oh, really?” tyler wanted to hear more. why was josh talking about some guy? was he seeing someone?

tyler didn’t know if he was feeling jealousy or what, all he knew is that it was stirring his mind up like soup.

josh nodded, eyes still closed.

“whath thith in my mouth?” josh looked at the ground, poking the bloody gauze with his tongue.

“it’s the gauze, josh. don’t take it out.”

of course, josh did the exact opposite and let them fall out of his mouth. tyler grimaced at the dark cotton balls that fell out of josh’s mouth onto his sweater.

“ew.” tyler said, causing josh to laugh.

“i need new oneth!” josh said, looking at the gauze.

tyler didn’t know the first thing about wisdom teeth removal, and he didn’t want to mess anything up for josh. what if he was supposed to put it in a certain way? he didn’t know.

tyler asked the nurse that passed by for more gauze, and she managed to replace josh’s old ones.

“don’t do that again, okay? you need the gauze in your mouth.” tyler instructed josh, who was playing with his thumbs.

“okay. look, i’m doing yoga.” josh sat crisscross-applesauce, pressing his hands together and closing his eyes again, humming.

“josh, what are you doing?” tyler asked, amused.

sleepy josh was funny.

“namathte.” josh dragged out, _really_ not knowing what he was doing.

tyler just playfully rolled his eyes, going back to observing the posters on the wall. they were still grey to him, but he noticed the light specks of blue in the posters. the sky was blue, and the poster was the same color as the sky today, so that’s what he called it. to be honest, he really couldn’t tell.

“can you keep a thecret?” josh asked, sitting back in the seat and lolling his head. it felt really heavy, and josh honestly thought his neck would snap if he continued to hold it up.

“yes, i can.” tyler said.

josh gestured for tyler to come closer, tyler getting out of his chair and kneeling next to josh. he felt around for tyler’s ear, tyler making a face as his hands were all over. hey, if josh was going to tell a secret, then he needed to make sure no one else heard.

he finally got a grip on it, though, and lightly pulled tyler’s ear to his mouth.

“there’s thith guy that i really like, man.” josh giggled at what he was about to say, dragging out the “really”.

“uh-huh.” tyler said, going along with it.

“do you want to know his name?” josh asked, smiling.

what was wrong with this guy?

“sure, josh.” tyler said, humoring him.

“well, you can’t!” josh shouted, making tyler pull back. “don’t tell tyler that i like hiiim!” he put a finger to his mouth and shushed tyler, laying back in the chair.

“tyler who?” tyler’s heart was beating in his chest now, because this was _josh dun_ and tyler’s name was tyler.

“jotheph...but sthhh...don’t tell him.” josh put his finger up to his lips again, rolling his head back and shutting his eyes.

when tyler heard nothing but soft breaths coming from josh again, he sat back down in his seat. maybe josh didn’t mean it? he was hopped up on drugs, he would say anything. tyler didn’t want to believe it was not true, but then again, he was hoping it was. maybe he meant it in a friendly way? tyler didn’t know, all he _did_ know what that he would _not_ ask josh about it.

he just wouldn’t. and now he was confused.

////

 when josh was fully recovered from the surgery later that day, tyler didn’t know what to say.

he didn’t want to just bring it up, but he couldn’t forget it. he didn’t know what to do. josh was speaking to him now, licking his spoon free of the ice cream that was on it.

“that was weird, tyler. i had no idea what i was saying.” josh said, shaking his head.

“yeah, that happens when you’re under anesthesia, josh.” tyler smiled, eating small bites of the waffle cone that held his ice cream.

“what was i saying?”

tyler gulped.

_should i lie? or should i tell him?_

“um, nothing out of the ordinary.” tyler made a face and shrugged as his shaky voice held lies, eating his waffle cone.

josh nodded, and continued licking his ice cream, his cheeks dusted with a light pink. he was wearing one of tyler’s sweaters, along with a pair of fuzzy socks on his feet. it was pretty cold in the house, so tyler was also wearing fuzzy socks, too. tyler felt guilty lying to josh, but he just didn’t want things to be awkward, and he seriously didn’t know if he felt the same. the idea of josh actually taking a certain interest to him sparked up his imagination, and now he tried not to smile at what it would be like to date josh.

neither of them were ready for that.

“tyler, did you hear what i said?” josh asked, looking into tyler’s warm eyes.

“no, i’m sorry.”

“i said i’m supposed to be going to colorado with debby, pete and patrick. do you want to come with me?” josh didn’t want to be alone. he’d have debby, sure, but tyler was fun.

“what day?”

“in exactly a week. she just reminded me about it.” josh said, skimming through their conversation over text.

tyler wouldn’t mind. he liked hanging out with josh, and he liked josh’s friends, too.

“okay.”


	17. {last time it rained like this}

the sky was beginning to become overcast with greys, the clouds belching thunder and lighting flashing from a deep part of the horizon. josh hurried home quickly to not get caught in the coming storm.

there was nothing like being cold and wet in an already cold house. he looked up at the sky, the same _pitter-patter_ of tiny but strong raindrops splattering on the cement making him shudder. he found his mood beginning to go dull as he remembered when it last began to rain hard like _this,_ the windshield wipers of tyler’s car working hard to get them out of his view.

he was in trouble, the last time it rained like this.

really, really bad trouble.

he decided not to think about things like that too much, driving a little faster to get home before he was in a different kind of trouble this time. he glanced at the bouquet of grey roses sitting in the passenger’s seat, along with a tiny box of notes that he wrote, but never had a chance to get to tyler. it’s been more than a couple of months, but josh still liked writing him notes.

besides, he changed it up a bit and would write him other things than thank you notes. plus, tyler said he’s never smelled flowers before, so josh decided to change that himself; it was the least he could do.

he eventually made it home past the wet streets and slow moving cars trying not to slip off of it, parking in the driveway. he sighed, mentally preparing himself for the shit he was about to get in the rain, making his already messy vision blurry this time. he grabbed the roses and notes, getting out of the car and speed walking towards the overcover in front of the door. he fished his keys as best as he could from his coat, locking tyler’s car and opening the door, taking off his wet shoes before entering.

“ty, i’m home.” josh called, instantly hearing light thudding coming down the stairs.

he looked over to see tyler in an oversized t-shirt and pajama bottoms, a worried look on his face.

“josh! where the heck did you go?” tyler asked, relieved that josh was fine and back.

“awe, is tyler worried about little ol’ me?” josh joked, taking off his coat.

tyler rolled his eyes, sighing. “please leave me a note or something next time?”

“speaking of notes.” josh said, holding out the flowers and box for tyler.

tyler looked at them and gasped. “are those actual flowers?”

“yup!” josh smiled brightly, still holding them out.

tyler took them, eyes never leaving them. for all the time he’s been here, he’s never been given flowers before, _ever_ , but yet here josh was, standing here and making it happen.

what a man.

“thank you, josh. really.” tyler smiled up at him, his cheeks dusted with josh’s favorite color, making him return the gesture.

if a dozen little roses could make tyler’s eyes light up like how they were now, he’d plant him a whole garden.

on second thought, that wasn’t such a bad idea.

////

the rain had gotten worse, and josh was in his bed, trying to read a good book, like what this weather is usually for. he was trying, but the louder the thunder got, so did his thoughts. he missed a few paragraphs his eyes scanned over, trying to imagine this book instead of the rain sticking to his face as tyler helped him out of his old house, or the water that got in his eyes and stung the slice on his cheek.

the last time it rained like _this,_ josh was hurting.

he still felt the whispers of alex’s hands on him, the words that were once a distant murmur were shouting loudly and _angrily_ in his ears, and he didn’t know what he did wrong.

he still didn’t know what he did wrong.

the rain grew stronger, and so did josh’s thoughts. he was beginning to get overwhelmed, because how could he forget this bed? he could be here anymore, he felt disgusting. he pushed the sheets off of him, scrambling off of the bed onto the hardwood floor, bring his knees up to his chest. his vision was almost as blurry as it was outside, except it wasn’t raining in here. all of this time has passed, and he still felt _disgusting._

he didn’t even hear tyler’s knocking at the door through all the screaming and cursing from the last time it rained like _this._ he saw josh on the floor next to his bed, trying to hide from something.

maybe it was even himself.

“josh?” tyler asked, softly, peeking into the room further.

he didn’t know what to do, but he knew what was happening. he wanted to take josh out, maybe make him something and watch a movie, he didn’t know; just _anything_ to take his mind off of the last time it rained like _this._ josh couldn’t hear, though. his mind was swarming with angry insults and put downs and _alex._

“josh, i’m coming over there.”

it was then when josh looked up at tyler through tired, puffy eyes, tears streaming down his face. he was exhausted. it’s been months, yet he couldn’t seem to escape it.

tyler fell down to his knees and began to make his way over to josh, to try and comfort him as best as he knew how. josh shook his head, scared out of his mind that tyler would end up like alex. he was scared, because alex was nice at one time, too. he was scared to fully trust tyler - or anyone for that matter - again.

tyler watched as josh tried to hide his face from him, not wanting tyler here in his vulnerability. he felt stupid, but he _couldn’t_ stop it no matter how hard he really tried. it was when tyler heard a muffled sob from josh that he shuffled closer to him, sitting right next to him. josh hadn’t moved, too wrapped up in trying to help himself to notice. he felt tyler’s arm around his shoulder, and soon he had him in a hug.

he didn’t feel like getting out of it. if anything, it made him feel both worse and better. he felt like he was burden on tyler, and he didn’t like when he was around him like this. he would try to solve his own problems as best as he could by himself, that way no one could get sick of him again.

but to tyler, josh was another voice he could wake up to, another person he could eat breakfast with. josh was another person that tyler could cheer up on bad days with his stupid jokes and buy little gifts for, just because he appreciated him so much. josh was someone who could light up a room with his smile and someone who could distract tyler from himself.

josh was someone that tyler _needed_ here in this house; he just required a little mending, is all.

tyler just sat there, listening to josh’s sniffles. just being there with him made josh feel a bit better. with time, as josh stopped crying, so did the rain. he gasped, seeing how quickly and spontaneously the sun came out from behind the clouds, the room lighting up.

“josh, look! the sun is out!” tyler said, josh looking up slightly from his heavy eyes and squinting in the bright, pale yellow light. “i’ll be back!”

tyler quickly got up and scurried away from josh before returning after a few moments with a ukulele in his hand. he held his free one out for josh, josh taking it and standing up. tyler led him to the sunshine, sitting right in its warmth as he made sure his ukulele was in tune. josh had no clue what tyler was about to do, but he assumed he was going to write a song with him. josh would rather sleep, but if tyler wanted to.

tyler looked to josh, hand over the strings and ready to strum. josh was tired, but tyler needed to see him smile before he went to bed.

“you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey!” tyler sang enthusiastically, seeing josh had stopped frowning, but had only blinked at tyler, so he tried again.

“you are my dunshine, my only dunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey!” his voice had a giggle to it as josh began to laugh, hiding his mouth behind his hands and his eyes got all squinty. “you’ll never know, jish, how much i love you! please don’t take my dunshine away.”

and josh found himself instantly in a better mood, with the actual sun shining brightly, and then there was the one outside, too. he was okay now, all because tyler sang a funny song and _wow,_ did he know how to make anyone feel better again.

he watched as tyler smiled widely and got up so josh could rest now, his goal accomplished.

“wait, ty.”

tyler turned by the door, looking at josh expectantly.

“th-thank you.”

and that thank you meant the world to tyler.

it meant he was doing it right, and that’s what he was striving for.


	18. {body love}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. if y'all get that title reference then ;)
> 
> enjoy!)

“deb, we’re right outside. are you in already?” josh asked through the phone, looking around the bright airport for any sign of his friends.

tyler squinted at this, having just woken up and it being three in the morning. he didn’t know why they couldn’t just take the later flight, because right now, tyler had no problem laying down in the middle of this airport and taking a well-deserved nap. he was clad in josh’s hoodie, fisting the sweater paws it made and snuggling into it. it was warm and smelled like josh, and tyler repeatedly caught himself catching whiffs of the coffee beans or the perfume of the old ladies at the market. there was one distinct smell that made tyler know that this was josh’s, and he was trying to chase it through the heavy scent of baked goods and perfume. he was able to catch it, but lost it more times that he could’ve.

“you’re going to come to me? okay.” josh slipped his phone in the pocket of his black sweatpants after hanging up, turning to tyler.

“are you hungry? we didn’t have breakfast.” josh asked, peeking at tyler’s gold ring. it was a thick, real gold band around his right ring finger, a panther carved into it. josh had never seen it before, but it looked nice on tyler’s tanned fingers.

he looked up at josh excitedly. “can we get tacos?”

“if you want.” josh smiled at tyler’s excitement, tyler taking josh’s hand in his free one and tugging him towards the food court.

“it’s that new taco restaurant!” tyler said, josh dragging his bags with him.

“chipotle has been here, ty.”

tyler smiled lightly at that. josh had been calling him ty a lot recently. it didn’t mean anything,but he decided he liked it, and he also decided that he liked it most from josh. tyler eventually made it to chipotle, the line sparse, making tyler even more giddy.

“what are you going to get?” tyler asked, trying to decide still. burritos or tacos?

“can i get a bowl?” he asked tyler, eyes curious.

“you don’t have to ask, josh. you’re your own person.”

it’s been months, but they were still trying. tyler couldn’t stress enough to josh that he would never need to ask him for things as simple as getting food, and it still made him frown whenever josh would do so. but he promised them both that they’d work on it, and like they knew, he was a guy of his word.

as tyler was ordering, he heard who he assumed was debby’s voice behind him, and he could imagine josh smiling widely as he greeted her.

“hi, debby.” tyler smiled, turning around as she wrapped him in a hug.

he was taken by surprise, but he immediately returned the gesture and felt welcome. she carried a homey vibe with her, and tyler liked her even more. he paidd for his burrito bowl, waiting for josh by the register. he saw pete and patrick join them, carrying duffel bags.

“is your boyfriend coming?” josh asked, wanted to meet this “weston” for some time now.

“yes, he should be here in about-” she was interrupted by a guy shouting her name, smiling to herself. “-now.”

“weston!” josh shouted, meeting tyler by the register.

“uh...josh?!” weston shouted back, waving from by the tables where he came from.

josh sent him a thumbs up and left him to catch up with debby, looking at them fondly. he remembered when debby told him he took her out after a rainy day, and she had finally seen what a rainbow looked like in all its glory. he still dreamed of getting something like that, being able to see full colors together with the person you fell in love with.

then he started thinking of tyler.

he turned to look at him, happily eating his taco. he noticed josh was looking in his direction and smiling brightly at him – well, as best as he could without opening his mouth – and waved with his free hand. josh returned the gesture, instantly having a better mood. tyler was literally the sun, and it was a foreign feeling for him to have enjoyed another person’s company for so long, as he was stuck with the rain cloud that is alex over his head for a while.

he liked it a lot.

////

“is this what colorado looks like?” josh asked tyler, voice drained from jetlag as he pointed towards the trees that lined shimmering grey waters and giant mountains.

“yeah. it’s beautiful, isn’t it?” tyler asked, voice soft with adoration. he admired the scenery and pictured what kind of colors they’d be.

_if only they were a little stronger._

he’d probably be able to see the shades of blue in the river and the hues of the stony mountain a bit better, but he could see enough colors and that was good enough for him.

“we’re almost there, people.” weston said, cruising down the windy road into the forest.

pete looked over at tyler and josh in the farthest backseat, josh drowsy and leaning on tyler’s shoulder. he caught tyler’s arm around his shoulders, too, and he smiled to himself. he was happy that josh found someone he could trust, even if he hadn’t fully done so. he seemed okay with tyler, and to him, it was the best thing he could’ve asked for.

to just have his friend okay again.

“so, are we camping the whole week?” patrick asked, head on pete’s lap as he scrolled through his phone.

“we’re probably gonna go into the city for a few days afterwards. if that’s okay?” weston asked, eyes meeting pete’s in the rearview mirror.

he nodded, leaning his head on the headrest and looking out at the blur of green pine next to the road. josh studied pete and the way his eyes would try to follow the trees, but they ended up straying to somewhere else, like the sky or something in the car. he wondered how bright pete saw his own colors, and he wondered if patrick saw them any different. he would hope they saw the same, but he was still curious.

“hey, pete?” josh asked.

pete turned his head, looking at him.

“how strong do you see your colors?”

“right now, they’re usually really bright, but when i go somewhere else other than home, i see them a little dimmer. they’re still there though, but it’s as if you’re looking through really thin sunglasses.” pete shrugged, looking down at patrick.

“awe, you see them with me. what a sap.” patrick said dramatically.

“shut the hell up.” pete rolled his eyes, taking patrick’s hand in his as he went to playfully nudge his face. “but yeah, when i’m away from patrick i don’t see them as bright as i want to.” he looked back up at josh.

“but how do you know you’re with your soulmate instead of someone you just love for them? like i see colors with you guys, but i don’t love you like that.” josh said, confused.

“you’ll feel it. it’ll be different. being in love is a feeling and a choice, the colors are just bonus points.”

“why? are you seeing bright colors elsewhere?” patrick asked from pete’s lap.

josh was silent as his cheeks began to heat up. what the heck was he supposed to say? tyler was right there, it’d be weird to say anything, but he couldn’t lie.

he decided today would be the day.

“nope. not really.” josh shrugged, not catching tyler’s glance.

josh wasn’t seeing any colors? then why was he? was this supposed to happen?

“you’re not?” tyler asked, instantly regretting it as both pat and pete fell silent.

“i mean...” josh sighed, deciding against it. he was protecting himself from something stupid happening. “n-no. are you?”

“...no. i’m not.” tyler said softly, looking out the window.

the car was silent again except for the treading of tires on the road, tyler just staring out at the dull green trees.

////

“josh! get in here! the water’s perfect!” debby called, giggling as weston splashed her with water.

josh could see the drops glistening in between her red hair in the golden sun, content with his colors. he was with his favorite people right now, and he was happy that he could see them. he knew these types of colors were different, though. they were the same, just a lot dimmer than how pete says he sees them.

“i’m alright!” josh called, laughing as debby rolled her eyes.

“we’ll be here, then!”

josh nodded, going back to listening to the calling of birds and the splashing of water as the sun shone down on them. they found a perfect space with a clearing right near the water, the sun directly on the horizon in front of them with the black silhouettes of trees lining the bottom. he sighed, feeling peaceful and relaxed, something that had rarely happened to him. he hugged himself as he took everything in, hiding his hands in tyler’s sweater.

if he could spend the rest of his life like this, with his favorite people in his now favorite place, he would.

“hey, jish.” tyler said, breaking his train of thought and taking a seat right next to him.

“hi, ty.” josh smiled at him, tyler noticing how light his eyes were in the sunset.

wow.

“look what i brought.” tyler said, holding out a polaroid camera with a cute multicolored stripe running from the lens to the film box.

“is that a rainbow?” josh asked, pointing to the stripe.

“i think so. i can’t really see it, but that’s red, and that is...green.” tyler squinted, pointing to different stripes on it. “but anyway, this is for you. i forgot to give it you earlier, and i know you like photography. self-expression, remember?”

josh gasped. “really?”

“yeah! take it.” tyler smiled sweetly, handing josh the camera.

he took it, looking through it and seeing a tiny version of the sunset with debby and weston playing in the water. he was amazed, he’s never had one of these things before. plus, no one’s ever given him this many presents, though christmas passed already.

tyler was nice.

he aimed the camera at tyler, who was photo shy and tried to hide his face whilst smiling in reaction, but josh had already snapped the picture and the film was coming out of the box.

“i have such an ugly smile.” tyler shook his head, watching josh flick the picture.

“you do not.” josh remembered when alex used to tell him that, and he decided that he wouldn’t let tyler feel the same way and actually start believing it. “don’t believe your own lies.”

tyler blinked, his cheeks dusted with josh’s favorite color. josh looked down at the film, the picture of tyler coming out nicely. he smiled at it, tyler’s contagious, and he showed it to him.

“you look...” josh tried to find the right words, but they were jumbled up weirdly in his throat, and he wanted to spit them out quickly and not drag it on any longer, but he couldn’t.

tyler smiled again, his face hot as all hell as he realized what josh was trying to say. what in the heck was he trying to do? kill him?

“um...why don’t you want to go in the water?” tyler asked, looking at debby and weston.

josh shrugged. “i don’t like my body, i guess.”

“why not?”

“because it’s gross.” he shrugged again, really not wanting to talk about it as he brought his knees up to his chest even more.

he lied, though. his body was actually _disgusting and fat,_ according to alex. so he’d rather not show it for other people to say the same. tyler knew why he thought this, yet he thought josh’s body was perfectly fine. how could anyone find a flaw in him?

“come here.” tyler stood up abruptly, holding his hand out for josh to take.

josh looked up at him, tyler wiggling his fingers to tell josh to take his hand. josh did it, tyler pulling him up and dragging him towards their cabin. tyler noticed the mirror that stood in front of the bed when he went to put his bags down, so that’s where he was going. josh didn’t know what was happening, but he let tyler take him wherever he was taking him.

he ended up in their room, their luggage thrown on the mattress as tyler closed the door. josh was confused, and he was honestly a little scared. what was tyler planning to do?

“take off your shirt.”

“whoa, tyler, you-”

“josh.”

josh shook his head, realizing what he was doing, really not wanting to show anything to tyler. even if he wouldn’t say it, he would be thinking it, and he knew there was no escaping the inevitable fact that tyler would think his body was ugly, too. he’d been trying to spend time at the gym to get rid of the things he didn’t like about himself, but you can’t go to the gym for stuff like that.

he couldn’t escape it.

tyler sighed, going up to josh and curling his fingers in the bottom of his sweater.

“i’ll do it for you, then?”

josh shooed tyler away, sighing in defeat and peeling his sweater off of him. he instantly wrapped his arms back over himself as the sweater dropped to the floor in a heap, eyes darting everywhere but tyler. he was probably judging him by the marks on his tanned skin or how gross his body was.

“look into the mirror.” tyler said, josh doing exactly that after a few moments.

josh looked into the mirror, focusing on the wheels on tyler’s navy suitcase or the wings of the ceiling fan, just anywhere but himself. he wanted to go back to the water and be peaceful again, but he was stuck here, trying not to mentally kill himself with thoughts that he’d been trained to believe for so long. tyler sighed, moving behind josh and taking his hands from in front of his chest, not wanting to block him and the mirror. josh slowly let it happen, trying to make a decision about just looking at himself to get it over with, and let tyler try to sugarcoat it, or keeping them in front of his chest.

by the time he’d made one, his hands were already by his side.

“do you see yourself, josh? there is _nothing_ wrong with you.” tyler said, resting his head on josh’s shoulder while josh just stared at his bellybutton, tyler’s words penetrating his thoughts like a spike caught in a block of ice. “i get it, really. but you have to believe me, you’re perfect just the way you are, do you understand me?”

“you’re lying. everyone does.” josh said softly, his voice soft as he stared at every fading yellow and purple mark on his stomach.

“you know i would never lie to you.” _he did know that._ “everything about you is perfect, not just your body. your scars are like your tattoos. they’re like your story, and how strong you are. you aren’t fat at all, look at you.” tyler smiled at josh in the mirror.

“tyler-”

“listen to me. you’re _perfect,_ and if someone tells you otherwise, i will personally fight them.”

that made josh smile a little, knowing that tyler wouldn’t. tyler felt a bit accomplished, but he just didn’t know if his actual message would get across.

“in time, i will make you believe you are lovely. don’t doubt that.” tyler said, looking up at josh.

josh could almost feel the sincerity in tyler’s wavy voice or the way his eyebrows pulled together, and now he didn’t know if _everyone_ lied like alex did. maybe alex didn’t like his body, and maybe tyler did? he didn’t know, but he told himself to be okay with at least one of the marks on his chest.

just one. maybe then he’d begin to be okay with the rest.

“do you still want to go in the water? i’ll wear a shirt with you, if you want.” tyler asked.

“o-okay.” josh nodded, gnawing on his bottom lip and feeling a little better about himself.

tyler backed away from josh to get swim trunks and a white shirt, deciding that he would try to compliment josh until he was sick of him. if alex could make him believe he was ugly by telling him that all those months, then maybe, _just maybe,_ tyler could reverse it himself.

and he was determined to get there.


	19. {colorado feelings}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. hey guys, i'm sorry i've been a bit inactive :/
> 
> i have testing this week and next week, so i'm gonna be a lil' slow, i'm sorry :(
> 
> but thank you for reading nonetheless, it means a lot that you are taking your time to read this, so thanks! :D
> 
> enjoy!)

debby and weston were still in the water, pete and patrick by the fire in their own swim trunks.

they’d been there for almost an hour, just relaxing with each other and enjoying the scenery, but they never actually went inside of the water, yet.

“are you guys going in?” pete asked, flames burning against his eyes.

“yeah, are you?” tyler asked.

“we’ll probably go on the canoe.” pete gestured to the canoes that were near the tree, one leaning against the trunk.

“do you wanna go on the canoe later?” josh asked, eyes bright.

“we could go now.” tyler said.

josh nodded, running over to the canoe that was already on the floor, trying his best to push it towards the water. tyler watched in amusement, rolling his eyes with a smile and going to help him. together, they pushed it to the water, holding it steady on the surface so that it wouldn’t float away. josh got in first, grabbing the paddle sitting on the seat while tyler got in last, doing the same.

“bye, guys. be safe!” pete called, josh waving back at them.

tyler had only canoed once in his life, and he maybe forgot how to paddle, and they _maybe_ rammed into the sand lining the lake a few times. that was okay, though, josh found it funny. from the smooth rocks underneath crystal clear, blue-green water to the misty mountains ahead of them, tyler felt carefree. he listened to the movements of the water underneath their paddles and the calling of birds, smiling to himself.

he felt _good_ here.

“how are you liking it so far?” josh asked, shifting the canoe to avoid a going towards the sand lining again.

“it’s fun. i really like them.” tyler said softly.

“me, too. they’re really good people. thank you for coming, ty.” josh was looking towards another small clearing between some trees. “look!”

tyler saw the same thing, and they silently decided to paddle over there to check it out. tyler was weary, because what if there was a bear or something that wanted to eat them? but then again, it looked really interesting and the water was beautiful there, so he decided to follow josh in paddling towards it. the canoe hit the edge of the water, tyler jerking slightly as the canoe stopped. he got out, his feet splashing into the water and the smooth rocks slippery underneath them. josh did the same, and together they pulled the canoe onto the shore to keep it from drifting.

josh looked at tyler, tyler’s eyes full of adventure and excitement for what was behind the trees. there was a large rock near the entrance, sloped off into broken trees that blocked off a section of the water. josh and tyler ran into the small opening into the hidden area of the forest, looking up at a giant oak, the branches like wooden snakes as they stretched the entire area above them. josh’s mouth was slightly agape in astonishment, never seeing something as cool as this before.

“let’s go up those stairs.” josh pointed, tyler following as he ran towards the vine covered stone.

it was almost like someone had created this a long time ago, based on the tire tied to the lowest branch of the oak. it was kind of strange, yet it peaked tyler’s interest even more. they climbed up the stairs quickly but carefully, anticipating what was up there. the stairs winded up into the tree, revealing the entrance to a giant treehouse.  

josh was the first to go inside of it, spacious and covered in vines, much like the outside. he looked out of the little opening to see the mass of winding branches of the tree, sunlight pooling in through the spaces of leaves.

“this is so cool.” josh said, plopping down in the middle of the treehouse and looking around.

tyler did the same, sighing in content at their little adventure and seeing if there was anything else worth exploring. there was still more to the forest, but the sun was beginning to grow darker and tyler was sure their friends were about to start a fire soon, yet he didn’t mind spending a little extra time with josh. they sat in silence, tyler thinking to himself, until a past memory jogged his mind.

he shot a sideways glance at josh, who caught it quickly and smiled.

“hi, tyler.”

“h-hey, josh.” _remember when you were at the dentist? was that actuallt what you meant?_

“is there something wrong?” he asked, noticing tyler’s demeanor completely changed, and he seemed like he was thinking about something difficult.

josh would know, considering he thinks about tyler a lot.

tyler sighed, knowing if he tried to dance around it, he’d end up making it awkward. it was a lose-lose situation, but somehow he got to thinking about it again, even though it’s been stashed away for a week. he was just curious, maybe josh hadn’t meant anything by it.

“josh, we went to get your teeth taken out that one time, do remember?” tyler asked.

josh nodded. “i remember it, but not until i woke up in the car. why?”

“you said...” tyler’s voice was shaking. was he about to ruin their friendship? would he just make things worse? “nevermind.” he shook his head, deciding against it.

“no, tell me. what did i say?” josh asked, tilting his head to the side in confusion.

“you said...that you liked someone.” tyler said, trying his best to not _actually_ say it.

“i did?” josh asked, feeling his heart speed up in confrontation. if he _did_ say something like that, it wouldn’t be good.

“y-yeah. you said it was me, but i didn’t know if it was true or not. it’s not, is it?” tyler asked, feeling his ears grow hot. he regretted it, pushing away from the answer he wanted in fear of making anyone uncomfortable.

“um, i think we should go back. it’s getting dark.” josh said, getting up quickly and making his way to the entrance.

tyler stood up as well, grabbing josh’s wrist before he could leave and making him turn around. he swallowed thickly, cheeks saturated with pink as he walked towards josh, heart thumping in his chest.

“is it?” tyler asked lowly.

he could see josh’s eyes were troubled, and he averted his gaze to the floor, sighing lightly.

“ye-”

tyler cut him off by pressing his lips to his, letting go of josh’s wrist and holding onto his waist, the other hand cupping his cheek. josh’s eyes blew wide in shock, hand instantly going up to meet tyler’s and push him away, but he found himself kissing tyler just as softly and curling his fingers around his hand. tyler smiled lightly into the kiss, proud of himself that it worked and even happier that josh admitted it. josh used his other hand to cling to the fabric of tyler’s shirt, because _holy shit,_ was he going to faint.

unanswered questions and thoughts were silently pouring out with each movement of their lips, passions and curiosity for one another growing. tyler couldn’t believe he did that, and frankly, neither did josh, but he went with it and he didn’t mind it at all.  

tyler pulled back slowly, just enough to where his forehead was resting on josh’s, looking into his stunned, light eyes with a tiny smile. josh’s face was hot as he smiled in embarrassment, removing his forehead from tyler’s and hiding his face in his shoulder. tyler only chuckled in return, hugging josh close to him and looking out into the sky, feeling giddy.

_wowie._


	20. {colors?}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. IT'S BEEN A WHIIIILE SINCE I FIRST SAW YOUUUU
> 
> no but for real, it's been a while. i got a few tests out the way, yeet
> 
> but i'll write a lot more this weekend, thank you for still stickin w me!!!
> 
> enjoy!)

josh and tyler had slept together.

tyler had offered to roll his sleeping bags out and settle on the floor, but josh had asked for him to sleep with him. maybe it was because he wanted to make sure tyler was an actual real person that had taken an interest in him, or maybe because it had gotten really cold that night and he was thinking ahead. maybe it was because he wanted to be closer to tyler after yesterday, or maybe it was even because he smelled good, like home.

josh just wanted to sleep with him.

tyler didn’t complain, instead he changed into his pajamas and settled next to josh, looking up at the ceiling in thought. he didn’t know if josh wanted him closer, or if he just felt the bed was too empty and he wanted someone to fill it. the lights were off, but they could almost feel the boundaries they put up, even if they weren’t intentional.

josh had blown out a breath, looking at how it fogged up in the creamy cast of the moon through the window.

“it’s cold, tyler.” josh stated, voice groggy from sleep, yet struggling to stay awake and have courage to at least be close to tyler that night.

he imagined it would be better in his head, and he also imagined he’d be sleeping by now.

“feel my hands. it’s freezing.” tyler said softly.

josh did exactly that, a sly smirk growing on tyler’s face when he slipped his fingers through josh’s. josh gasped.

“you’re so sneaky.”

tyler giggled softly, outstretching his arm for josh. “and you’re better than a blanket.”

josh scooted closer to tyler so that he was flush with his chest, sighing to try and relieve the pounding in his chest.

“it this okay?” tyler asked, his voice muffled in josh’s hair.

josh nodded; he was so nervous, but he felt his eyelids getting droopy as he listened to the soft, rhythmic breaths coming from tyler and the faint beats of his heart next to his ear.

///

tyler woke up first, squinting in the yellow light of the sun. he heard tiny footsteps from outside of the bedroom door, trying to figure out who they belonged to without waking josh.

“i think they’re still sleeping.” pete said, his voice lowered to whisper.

“should we check?” patrick asked.

“no. wait, maybe.”

tyler heard the door handle turn and he craned his neck, his resting sleep face the first thing patrick saw when he peeked in. he then noticed josh sleeping soundly in front of him, his eyes blowing wide as he shut the door quickly. tyler rolled his own, turning his head back and resting it on top of josh’s fluffy, brown hair. he hadn’t taken advantage of the dyes yet, but he planned to as soon as he was able to tell how bright it would be on his hair.

josh shuffled, opening his eyes and being met with the fabric of tyler’s navy t-shirt. he smiled, shutting his eyes again.

“hi, ty.”

“morning, sunshine. you wanna go out?” tyler asked, referring to their spot.

“okay. i’ll get ready.” josh rolled out from next to tyler, unlinking their hands.

he stretched, yawning lightly in the process. tyler watched him, his smiled growing when he did this, josh stretching in the glow of the sun.

“what?” josh asked, smiling from embarrassment. he probably looked stupid.

“you’re cute, is all.” tyler shrugged like it was nothing, peeking at josh and laughing at his flushed face.

“i’m going to go shower.”

“take your time.” tyler leaned back on the bed, trying to come up with a plan of what they were going to do today.

his train of thought was interrupted when pete and patrick burst through the door, throwing themselves on the bed, tyler curling in on himself so they wouldn’t land on his legs.

“what the hell?”

“tell us!” pete said. “are you seeing colors?”

“when did this happen?” patrick asked, looking at tyler with curious eyes.

“are you boyfriends now?”

“is it official?”

“ugh, go away.” tyler shooed them out of his space, making pete frown.

“is he okay?” pete asked, tyler knowing exactly what he meant.

“yeah. he is.” tyler smiled, remembering the bright smiles and squinted eyes he managed to coax from josh more often than not.

“you know it’s because of you, right?” pete asked.

“josh did it all by himself. i was just there to help.”

“no, dude. you saved his life. seriously, thank you.” pete said.

“yeah. i’m so glad he found someone better. jeez.” patrick sighed, memories of josh’s closed off state flooding back to him.

tyler nodded, proud of himself that he seemed to make a difference in someone’s life. he was even more proud of himself that it was josh dun’s.

“are you seeing colors?” pete asked.

“yeah, but not bright. but i don’t know, it’s super early, like. really.” tyler said, looking at the bedsheets.

he didn’t like getting into feelings like this, if anything it was best to let that happen. he didn’t mind talking about it, but he’d rather not and express it instead. they heard the shower stop, pete and patrick scrambling off of the bed and leaving quickly. pete ran in again to ruffle tyler’s hair with a smile on his face, tyler shooing him away as he left.

josh entered the bedroom, tyler noticing how the towel was around his waist instead of his entire chest, like how he usually does. he smiled, seeing josh was getting comfortable with himself. josh noticed this and rolled his eyes, a shy smile on his face as he looked through his suitcase for an outfit.

“they’re fading. i’ll get tattoos to cover the rest or something.” he shrugged.

tyler nodded, going into the bathroom to get ready.

////

“we’ll be back!” josh shouted to the cabin, debby, weston, and patrick waving at them as they exited the cabin.

the birds were calling distantly in the trees, shadowed by the bright yellow sunrise. tyler squinted his eyes to try and relieve that stress from the sun, josh pulling his sunglasses over his eyes as he walked towards the canoes. tyler helped him push it into the water, holding it steady.

“you have everything?” tyler asked. “food? water? polaroid?”

“yes, yes, and yes.”

tyler got in first, picking up the canoe paddle and waiting for josh before beginning the journey to their spot. the water took on the hues of yellow and orange from the sky, black silhouetted trees lining the lake. tyler could faintly smell the light humidity suspended in the air, the soft _whooshes_ of the canoe against the water replacing his thoughts. he paddled with josh behind him, the opening of the trees coming into view.

they made it, tyler making sure to hop onto the part where there was the least bit of water on the shore and pulled it up with the help of josh, blowing out a breath.

“should we continue exploring?” tyler asked as they pushed past the overgrowth of leaves.

“yeah, but hold on.” josh said, trying to not hold tyler up as he ran up the stone-vine stairs.

tyler followed, seeing josh stop right in the entrance of the treehouse, where the openings of the wood were. he took a picture, watching the film come out and he shook it, happy with how it turned out.

“okay.”

“what was that for?” tyler asked, walking down the stairs.

“i just wanted to remember.” josh shrugged, slipping the photo in his pocket.

tyler nodded, eyes darting to the floor as a way to make sure he didn’t step on anything he wasn’t supposed to step on, and also as a way to see if josh’s hand was open. he decided he liked his hands, as they were a way to get close to him and let him know that he was there for him, yet they were just _hands_. he took his own and touched josh’s palm with his fingertip, silently watching for any action. he smiled when josh moved his fingers over his own and linked them together, lightly swinging their hands back and forth with each step.

he was good.

“i see a hammock.” tyler stated, pointing to the worn down netting connecting two, perfectly spaced out trees as they continued to explore the foresty area.

“we should go lay in it. i could use a nap.”

“same. we suck.” tyler remembered why they woke up early in the first place, but sleep was a beautiful thing and who were they to take it away?

josh laughed, leading tyler to the hammock. he didn’t know the first thing about laying in one, so he got in slowly, hand still intertwined with tyler’s, before laying down and feeling it rock.

“whoa. this is weird.” he said slowly.

“no way.” tyler followed suit, and soon they were both in the hammock, lightly swinging with it. it was a bit too small, so tyler’s leg was kind of hanging out a bit to the side, but he didn’t mind. josh let go of tyler’s hand, shifting so that he was laying sideways with his head resting on tyler’s chest to try and give him more room. tyler used this to scoot closer to josh, wrapping an arm over him. tyler began to rock the hammock they were in with his foot, feeling himself get sleepier.

between the swinging and the sounds of insects and water rushing, josh couldn’t stay awake.

tyler glanced down at the polaroid sitting on the soft grass next to him, squinting at the rainbow stripe that was running down the lens. he smiled to himself, seeing them very, _very_ dull, but they were there nonetheless. he could see the purple and yellow, and a bit of the orange.

they were making progress.

“i like you a lot, josh dun.” tyler said to himself, holding josh a little closer to him in hopes he heard it.

he only got soft snores in return, continuing to rock them back and forth between these two trees.


	21. {bad dreams}

they came back, the group planning on going into the city tomorrow.

it was a long day for tyler and josh, between the trek through the forest and chasing animals through the trees to try and get a polaroid of it. by now they were pooped, josh in the shower again while tyler was changing in their bedroom.

he spotted small pictures neatly set out near josh’s suitcase, the filtered polaroid film reflecting white light in the lamp shine. he kneeled down and looked at one, a picture of him from when he first gave josh the camera. he smiled at himself smiling, realizing that josh was such a dork and he made him grin like an idiot every day. he picked up another one, this time of josh, and studied his face. it was a candid, yet he still managed to look perfect in it. tyler could see the tiny freckles that scattered his nose and the slight green tint to his eyes in the sunlight. he remembered taking that, josh was trying to tell him about an alligator he held once.

speaking of josh, he had stopped the shower, tyler setting the pictures back by the camera and sitting on the bed. he opened the door, waving shyly at tyler, before moving towards his suitcase to pick out his pajamas.

“tomorrow, we’re going to the city. is there anything we should do?” josh asked.

“it depends on the rest of them. if we can do something else, we should go on a date.” tyler smiled, making josh’s cheeks dust pink.

he nodded in return, remembering the last date he went on and sighing. he decided a change of memory would be nice, and he wanted to replace that old one with tyler.

“i’ll look forward to it.” josh said, going back into the bathroom with his clothes.

tyler looked in the mirror at josh as he walked past him, knowing he was shy under tyler’s gaze. he found even more light freckles on josh’s shoulders, and he could see the colors of josh’s tattoos on his arm even better now. before he would cover them up a lot, or when he did see them at one time, they were extremely dim.

he began to think, josh shutting the door again and leaving tyler alone.

he wondered what josh actually thought of him. he wondered if josh thought he was boring because he didn’t have as much tattoos as he did, or if he thought the creases in his cheeks were ugly. he wondered if josh thought that he was nice, or if he was going to turn out like alex. he knew josh wouldn’t think that, but he worried too much sometimes. he felt bad about the time he yelled at josh over something stupid, and he wondered if josh still hated him for that. he wondered a _bunch_ if josh liked him as much as he did.

he sighed, leaning his head on the headboard and staring up at the ceiling.

josh opened the door again, seeing tyler on the bed.

“you seem upset. what’s the matter?” josh asked, crawling over the mattress and sitting crisscross-applesauce by tyler’s feet, staring up at him with curious eyes. 

“i’m okay.” tyler shook his head out of nonimportance and sat up, looking at josh. “are you?”

“i’m fine, but you’re not. i’ve been with you for almost four months, i could tell these things. what’s wrong?”

tyler sighed, eyes darting back and forth across josh’s face, his damp hair flattened on his head. he wondered if he should just tell him, but then he didn’t want to sound crazy. after moment of plain silence and studying each other’s faces, josh moved over tyler’s legs and wrapped him in a hug. he didn’t know what was wrong with tyler, but he got like this sometimes, too and he learned that it’s best to hug it out if you didn’t want to talk. tyler melted into it, deciding to just keep it to himself. he shut his eyes, after all, it’s been a long day, and rested into the crook of josh’s neck.

“i’m happy i have you, tyler.” josh said, just because, and tyler could feel his cheeks rise as he smiled.

he thought it was funny how a few words and soft voice could wash away the exact worries he had swarming in his head. tyler pulled back and quickly pressed his lips to josh’s, josh trying to kiss him back through a giggle of surprise. tyler laughed, too, and soon their sides were aching as they laughed at everything and nothing with each other. josh found tyler’s dimples one of the prettiest things he’s ever seen, yet tyler still hid his smile behind his hands.

“your dimples are...nice. don’t hide them.” josh said shyly, not very good with complimenting others, taking tyler’s hands away from his face.

tyler was a bit surprised, mainly because josh was kind of inexpressive when it came to stuff like this, but then again, he didn’t mind. josh seemed to be more comfortable around tyler, especially when it came to things like _this,_ and he was happy that his company seemed to make josh feel better.

he was good.

“ty, i’m tired.”

“me, too. give me your hand.” tyler said, holding his own out for him.

he slotted his fingers with josh’s and rolled them over so that they were laying sideways, reaching over josh with his free hand and shutting off the lamp.

////

tyler unconsciously curled his fingers, expecting to feel something there, but was instead met with empty space.

he frowned in his dreamy state, but then he remembered that he was supposed to be with josh. the bed was as lone as his palm, and the bedsheets were ruffled.

where the heck did josh go?

he opened his eyes slowly, eyes adjusting quickly to the purple-blue of the night in his room, sitting up to see if josh was somewhere in here. he got out of bed when the room was empty, exiting the cracked bedroom door. he searched in the tiny living area they had here, not seeing anyone, and made his way to the kitchen. he felt a cold draft hit him as soon as he entered the kitchen, squinting to see the bright light of the refrigerator was open, shining on someone dead on the counter.

tyler swore he was dreaming.

“this isn’t real. i’m going back to sleep.” tyler sighed, closing the refrigerator.

he turned back around, the dead person moving. tyler screamed, running to the kitchen entrance. the person screamed, too, and tyler watched as they fell off of the counter onto the floor.

“who is that?!” josh asked, holding a fork up for defense as he tried to see who it was in the darkness of the room.

“jish?” tyler asked, trailing his hand across the wall to find the light switch, clicking the button and squinting in the light.

they made eye contact, josh’s face returning to its neutral state when he saw tyler. tyler walked up to josh, trying to figure out what the heck he was doing at three in the morning on the counter.

“i was eating ice cream.” josh shrugged, seeing tyler’s face.

“with a fork?”

“it was the first thing i grabbed.”

tyler saw the ice cream near his mouth and the dry, sticky streaks of tears staining josh’s cheeks, grabbing paper towels from the box and sitting down in front of him.

“why were you crying?” tyler asked, seeing josh’s eyelashes were still clumped together and his eyes were still puffy as he began to clean his face.

“i had a bad dream.” josh said, and in that moment, his voice was damaged and small, and tyler knew what he meant.

he looked at josh, his eyes _tired_ – and not in the sleepy way – and enveloped him in a bear hug, josh sighing into tyler’s shoulder. he hadn’t had a dream like that in weeks, but somehow he managed to screw himself over and now he was stress eating and paranoid. tyler made him feel a little bit better, and then he remembered that he didn’t have to worry about that anymore. it’s been months, yet he still got to him.

debby walked into the kitchen, her red hair disheveled in a messy bun.

“what happened?” she asked, yawning into her hands.

“i got...” tyler started, thinking of something to say without making them seem like idiots. “ i got scared.” he said, looking at josh and then back to debby.

debby nodded slowly, a confused look on her face, before deciding she was tired and turning to leave the kitchen. tyler hoped he didn’t wake up the whole house, josh was scary.

“let’s go to bed, okay?” tyler said, helping josh off of the floor.

they silently went back into their bedroom, tyler flopping on the bed and holding his arms out for josh, like a child. josh smiled and shut off the light, slipping underneath the covers and snuggling next to tyler, resting his head on tyler’s chest and staring into the purple-blue of the room. tyler looked down at josh, his brown hair taking on the violet of the night, and trailed his hand through it.

it was soft and fluffy.

“what are you doin’?” josh asked with a smile.

he’s never had anyone touch his hair like that before, and he thought it was because there was something in it.

he washed it today, though.

tyler just shrugged in return, running his fingers through josh’s hair again and seeing how the strands glided through the slots in his fingers and disappeared underneath his hand. josh decided to not question any further, staring out the window and watching the trees blow in the chilly winds outside, tyler’s soft touches making him sleepy.

he fell asleep with tyler’s hand still in his hair.


	22. {waters and ryan}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. okay so i got this prompt from tumblr and tbh i think i did it wrong
> 
> but issokay because we're still gonna do this
> 
> and it'll be fine
> 
> it's fine
> 
> oops
> 
> enjoy!)

they had left the camp site, onto the city for the next four days.

josh and tyler had taken seats in the back of the car, this time, pete and patrick were up front and driving them to their hotel now. tyler was tired, like he always was, and was sleeping on josh’s chest, settled in between his legs. josh hadn’t really thought about it before, but he _really_ liked tyler.

he liked everything about him.

he liked his hair and his brown eyes, and he especially liked his dimples. he liked being a little shorter than him, it was easier to give hugs. he liked how tyler would always make sure he was okay, and how tyler would always make him laugh even if he swore he wouldn’t be able to. he liked how tyler’s laugh would make his stomach flip and how he’d sometimes catch him staring. alex was a distant memory in the past, and josh was replacing everything with the good feelings of tyler joseph. he wanted to go on an actual date with him sometime, and hopefully it was better than that _other_ one. tyler made him feel like he belonged somewhere, like he belonged to someone, except he wasn’t a piece of property anymore.

he was special to someone that was _special to him,_ and he genuinely felt alright. he felt like he was finally at home and able to be himself again.

josh looked down at tyler and studied his sleeping state, intrigued by the little dips and dents in his nose or the way his pouty lips parted slightly across his teeth. he wrapped his arms more securely around tyler’s frame, who in turn, snuggled into josh even more. he made a face at the butterflies freaking out in his tummy, and sighed.

he decided that his home wasn’t a house. his home wasn’t the place where he was raised, or the place where he spent college. his home wasn’t where his bedroom and kitchen were, or painted walls and glass windows.

his home was here, sleeping soundly on top of him, and he wanted to keep him close, if he could.

josh looked away from tyler, wanting to see where they were, and instead made eye contact with debby, who had obviously been watching them. she smiled softly, looking down at tyler.

“you must really like him.” debby whispered.

josh nodded, his cheeks beginning to get warm. “a lot.”

“that’s good. i’m happy for you two.”

“thank you.” josh smiled at her, because frankly, he was happy for them, too.

he was damaged, anyone with eyes could see that. somehow, though, this guy on top of him managed at find his way into josh’s life and save him from himself, and he was doing okay.

 _they_ were doing okay.

and he couldn’t be happier for them.

////

“why are we here all dressed up?” josh asked tyler, walking into the restaurant with him.  

he had packed for josh as well, just in case he forgot, like he did now. pete had told him weston was planning something for debby, but he wanted it to be a surprise, so he told them to bring fancy clothes. tyler was fixing josh’s suit for him, adjusting the bowtie around his neck.

“is he going to throw her a party?” josh asked tyler, looking up at him.

“maybe. i think he might propose,” josh gasped lightly in surprise, “but i’m not sure.” tyler shrugged.

josh liked the idea of loving someone so much that you buy them a ring and marry them. he’s never been married before, nor has he ever seen someone get married, not even his sister. it was only because they had their wedding in court instead of a hall.

josh looked up at the dim orange lights and white cloths adorning each table, noticing the stairway that led to where he assumed was the top of the building. he’s never seen a restaurant this beautiful before.

“hi,” tyler greeted the lady at the desk, “we’re here for waters and ryan?”

she nodded, gesturing for them to follow her as she climbed up the stairway. josh followed behind tyler, making his way into a dimly lit room with a large table sat in the middle of it, roses decorating the center. pete, patrick, weston, and debby were already there, josh seeing that they were waiting on them.

“you guys made it!” pete said, waving.

“hello.” josh smiled, going over to take the seat across from tyler.

tyler rushed in front of josh, making him stop in his tracks to figure out what he was doing, before tyler pulled out the chair for him. josh smiled at tyler, a tiny blush on his cheeks when he heard patrick coo at them. tyler only rolled his eyes playfully, pushing josh in before taking his own seat.

he looked at josh, and _man,_ did he look beautiful under these lights. tyler watched his shy gaze glance around the room and take everything in, before he listened to pete and patrick’s conversation for a few seconds. after he decided he wasn’t interested, he turned back to tyler, catching him.

“hi.” josh waved, tyler smiling widely.

“hi, josh.”

tyler looked over to weston, to see him listening to debby nervously and trying to laugh it off whenever pete made a joke or by taking a sip of his wine. tyler kept his thoughts on a proposal, otherwise weston wouldn’t look that nervous, would he?

the server came to them, asking what they wanted to eat and drink, since they were the last to show up. josh looked to tyler, who was about ready to tell josh to not ask him, surprised when he turned to the server himself.

“i’ll try the fillet. do you want to share a wine?” he asked tyler.

tyler nodded. josh smiled at the server, and after she took down what tyler wanted, she left down the stairs. tyler shot josh a look that told him a bunch of things, and frankly, he was proud of himself, too. again, alex was like the final photo in an old album that was filled already, and josh had gotten himself a new one to fill it with new photos. he knew he was beginning to be himself again, and he had gotten better with himself and with tyler. the marks were fading, and his confidence was still broken, but tyler had been filling in the gaps and cracks with his words and smiles, and josh couldn’t ask for someone better.

tyler was good.

their food came quickly, and soon the entire table was wrapped up in a conversation about their next trip.

“we should totally go to paris.” debby suggested, cutting a piece of her food with a knife and fork.

“the city of love. i’m down.” pete said, looking at patrick, who in return, stuck his tongue out at him.

“you’re such a sap.” he chuckled.

“you love me.” pete said, kissing patrick’s forehead. “so, yeah. love. it’s a great thing, right?” he looked at weston, then back at debby.

“very great.” debby smiled, glancing at weston as well before eating what was on her fork.

“speaking of that.” weston smiled nervously, sighing quickly and getting out of his seat.

debby’s curious, green eyes followed him as he made his way around the table and stood in front of her. she turned her body so that she was facing him, wondering why he still hadn’t eaten his food yet.

it was probably cold by now.

“debby, it’s been a few years since we’ve been dating, and i love you very much. so much, that i’d like to know if,” he slowly got down on his knee – debby almost choking on her food – and pulled out a little velvet box, “you’d love me forever, and marry me.”

he smiled up at her widely, and soon her mascara was running down her face out of excitement and surprise. pete and patrick looked on, while josh’s expression was hopeful that she’s say yes. tyler’s hand was on his heart, because _wowie,_ was it heavy, as he waited for debby to regain herself.

“yes!” debby nodded, the entire table cheering for them and making tyler smile.

he loved this.

he smiled to himself as he finished his food. between the atmosphere of love and sitting here with people he’s grown to like, he was happy.

josh just hoped he’d be invited to the wedding, that way he would finally be able to see one.

////

they’d left the restaurant, winding down on their giant hotel bed, staring up at the ceiling.

tyler still had his suspenders and button down on, but josh hadn’t changed out of anything. he was too lazy, because it was almost 1am and they’d spent hours just talking to one another about everything, or staying in complete silence and listening to the other ruffle the sheets with their feet or breathe.

“i wonder how smokey is doing.” josh said.

“he’s with jenna, he should be okay.” tyler said, playing with the strands of josh’s hair. “are you going to dye your hair soon?”

“i think i will. i should be able to tell how bright they’d be in my hair, my colors are okay enough.”

“wait,” tyler sat up, his heart beating a little too fast for comfort, “you’re saying you’re seeing colors?”

“well, yeah.” josh said, looking up at tyler. “are you not?”

“i am, but not bright.” tyler said, trying to think.

if this meant what he thought, he might just faint. he didn’t feel it with himself, though, it was too early to tell. they’ve been together for months, but they just got into this whole relationship thing. they hadn’t gone on an official date yet, but tyler was still seeing colors.

he didn’t know what was going on, but dropped it. he knew he’d feel it if it was there, so he leaned back into the pillows.

“josh, do you think i’m boring?” tyler asked, thinking about all the dyes and tattoos and piercings he didn’t have.

“no, why would you ask?”

“because i don’t dye my hair and stuff.” tyler pouted, twirling a strand in his fingers.

“i don’t care what’s in your hair, tyler. you could shave it off, and i’d just wanna know what’s on your mind. i think you’re great.”

tyler smiled softly, looking at his hands.

“i think i might want to get my nose pierced again. alex made me take it out.” josh said, poking the little scar where the hole closed up.

“well, why don’t we do it right now?”

“it’s one in the morning.”

“there’s a parlor by the highway.” tyler said.

“so you want to drive an hour away to get my nose pierced?” josh asked, thinking the idea absurd, but hell. “let’s go.”

all they did in the car was roll the windows down and sing to their friends’ tape. josh couldn’t help but laugh as he sang, feeling the wind in his hair and the freedom from driving down the deserted road. they probably woke up the entire street, but oops.

the parlor was still open, the neon yellow sign flashing with the name of it.

“hey, guys.” the guy behind the counter greeted as they walked in, looking up at them from his magazine.

his face was mostly pierced, tattoos peeking out from underneath the collar of his shirt. josh looked around the parlor, forgetting what half the stuff in one looked like. there was a display on piercings in the front of the counter, a green, frilly plant sitting in the corner, and a room where josh assumed they pierced/tattooed someone.

“we’re here to get my nosed pierced.” josh said. “again.”

“alright, cool.” the guy gestured for josh to come to the back room, tyler following.

he’s never been to a parlor before, so he didn’t really know if he was supposed to be back here, but whatever. josh sat in the piercing chair and tyler took a seat on one of the leather stools right next to it, watching the guy intently. he opened a drawer and put on latex gloves, gathering the things he’d need. soon, he was shoving a giant needle through josh’s nose and tyler couldn’t understand how he wasn’t crying, but the hoop was in and the guy was cleaning it with a small cloth.

“squirt it with saline every day, keep it clean, you know the drill.” the tattooed guy took off his gloves.

“thanks.” josh smiled, a child-like ring to his voice as he paid for the piercing and left the parlor.

tyler could barely see, but when they were walking to the car, he saw josh’s silver ring glare in the moonlight. josh, on the other hand, was more than excited to have his nose pierced again. it brought him back to the days were he’d go to the club with his best friends or laugh until he cried with debby. it brought him back to before alex, when he was able to be himself and feel alright.

“it looks nice.” tyler smiled softly, breaking josh’s train of thought.

josh felt his stomach flip when he saw tyler’s tiny dimples, and if he was being honest, that meant a lot to him. he really liked tyler, he felt like he wanted to give tyler the world, just because, but he knew he couldn’t.

so he settled on kissing him instead.

tyler smiled softly into it, literally feeling josh’s happiness pour into the kiss and feeling giddy himself. he never would have known he brought _this_ much joy to someone just by a tiny smile or a compliment. he would do it for josh any day.

“what was that for?” tyler asked, resting his forehead on josh.

“i like you a lot, and sometimes i don’t tell you. but self-expression is important, right?

and because josh kept his words in mind and said _that,_ tyler couldn’t stop kissing him in the middle of a parking lot at two in the morning.


	23. {v-day}

it was valentine’s day today.

josh woke up to something touching his face again, and again, opening his eyes slowly to see smokey’s giant blue eyes staring into his. he nudged his little nose against josh’s cheek, josh smiling and sitting up slowly, looking at the cat.

“what’s this?” josh asked himself, a red bow tied loosely around smokey’s neck, a little paper attached to it.

he took it off of smokey, who curled around in josh’s lap and decided he’d rest. all of this work tyler had him doing was tiring. josh unfolded the note in his hands, tyler’s neat handwriting etched into the paper.

_dear jish,_

_i am downstairs. you should come ;)_

_-ty_

josh blinked at the note, smiling to himself and setting smokey on his sheets, going into the bathroom to wash his face. he always felt gross in the morning, so he needed to fix that first. he went into his closet and pulled out the giant teddy bear he somehow managed to sneak into the house, along with even more roses he’d bought yesterday. he made his way down the stairs, immediately smelling pancakes and his cheeks were heating up at the thought of tyler actually going all out today.

upon entering the kitchen, he saw tyler in his pajamas still, pouring orange juice into a glass.

“happy valentine’s day!” josh shouted, scaring tyler a bit and making him jump.

he saw the teddy bear and roses he was holding and smiled, setting down the orange juice and taking it from him.

“thanks, josh.” tyler smiled, lightly kissing josh. “i made food.”

josh looked at the stack of heart shaped pancakes by the stove and smiled. in fact, everything was heart shaped, even the eggs.

“you’re the best.”

“i know.” tyler flipped his non-existent long hair over his shoulder, making josh squinty-laugh.

they ate breakfast in silence, except for the times when josh would look up from his plate every so often to meet tyler’s eyes, and they’d laugh at each other. maybe josh was laughing because he was such a lucky guy to have tyler sitting in front of him, or maybe he was laughing because tyler’s was contagious. maybe he was laughing because he could see the colorful fruits in the little straw basket in the corner of the kitchen counter, or he woke up this morning to see the pretty rainbow on his polaroid. maybe he was laughing because he wouldn’t mind waking up to see tyler every day, or feeling his heart skip whenever he’d managed to make tyler laugh at something he did or said.

maybe, _just maybe,_ he was beginning to feel something new, and it was for real this time. it wasn’t something that he wasn’t sure of, like _before,_ and it wasn’t something that he didn’t want to happen. tyler made him happy, and like he belonged in this house with him.

tyler had noticed josh was poking at his eggs, thinking silently to himself.

“what?” tyler asked, putting his fork down and resting his head on his hands.

he was ready to listen to him, even though he didn’t know what it was about. josh could’ve been thinking about a cup of coffee, and somehow tyler would still be interested. that’s probably why josh liked tyler so much, because he tried.

it was fifty-fifty, and josh might’ve missed that last time.

“i...i think...” josh looked at tyler’s bright eyes, swallowing hard. “i think we should go on a date today. there’s a nice beach in malibu.”

not today, but soon.

“okay. let’s go.” tyler smiled, getting out of his chair.

josh took his plate before he had a chance to, picking up his own and setting it in the sink to wash it.

“i could do it.” tyler offered.

“it’s alright.” josh said, shaking his head.

tyler kissed his cheek, thanking him softly and walking out of the kitchen. josh was still unexplainably nervous, his heart beating loudly as he almost said something earlier. it’s only been five months since they were together, barely two since they’ve been dating, but josh couldn’t help it. it was like he was shown a different world, full of care and caution, but adventure and recklessness all the same. tyler was something else, and _man,_ was josh lucky.

but he just decided not to say anything, scrubbing his thoughts into the white china plate over the sink.

not yet.

////

“do you need sunblock?” tyler asked josh as he shoved the umbrella into the sand.

the beach wasn’t crowded today, thankfully. tyler just wanted to build sandcastles and try not to drown without people thinking he was weird.

“nah, i need sun unblock. sun follow. sun...push notification.” josh said, looking at his pale skin.

tyler couldn’t stop laughing, throwing his head back and everything. josh smiled, continuing to set up the umbrella and listening to tyler’s laugh. the sun was really hot, but josh looked around at the bright beach, the ocean taking on different hues from the sun and the sand underneath it. he looked down at the shirt he was wearing, wondering if it would be okay for him to take it off.

he didn’t really want to, but then again, he thought back to when he used to. he found himself dropping the white shirt in a heap on the towel, tyler noticing this and smiling widely at him.

“do i look bad?” josh asked. the marks were gone now, but still.

“never.” tyler saw how josh’s chest seemed more toned and muscles were prodding at his stomach. “have you been working out?” tyler asked.

“is it noticeable?”

“very.”

“nice!”

tyler giggled at josh before getting the sunblock out of their bag. josh sat in the sun with a bottle of tanning oil in his hands, tyler on a towel, shaded by the giant umbrella. he watched as josh clicked it open and was going to let it pour over his face and body, but tyler quickly tackled him in the sand and took the bottle from him.

josh shouted in surprise, tyler on top of him with the oil in his hands.

“you’re trying to tan your hair, too? i’ll help.”

“you had to do all that?” josh asked, a smirk on his face. tyler was so extra.

“you love me.”

josh rolled his eyes, because _yeah he did,_ but tyler didn’t need to know all of that. tyler helped him brush off his back and he rubbed the tanning oil over his skin, wiping his hands in the towel and helping himself to sunblock.

sunburns were the worst, ew.

“you know what we should do?” tyler asked, the forgotten idea coming back to him, seeing two little kids across from them.

“what?” josh asked, looking up at tyler from his phone.

“build sandcastles!” tyler shouted, dashing up from the umbrella.

“you’re so lucky i brought these things!” josh said, almost leaving these pails at home.

he never really was able to use them, buying them months ago because he and alex were supposed to go to the beach one day. that never happened, but he was here instead with tyler, and that was even better. he brought the bag of pails over to where tyler was, sitting in front of him and beginning to pile up sand in his bucket, tyler doing the same.

“see those kids over there?” tyler asked, pointing to them.

josh squinted. “we’re so going to out-sand them.”

tyler quickly got to work of stacking the wet sand on top of each other, josh going into the ocean to see if he could find any seashells or seaweeds to put on the castle. as he came up from underwater, he saw something _huge_ jump out of it and screamed loudly, trying his best to run back to shore through the water. tyler saw the dolphin, laughing at josh when he collapsed on the shore, the run tiring.

“oh my god.”

“josh, it was a dolphin.”

josh looked back at more dolphins jumping out of the water, their grey bodies shining brightly in the sun. he sighed, laying on the beach. all that running away from some _dolphins,_ jeez.

he went back in anyways, tyler still building the sandcastle as josh eventually returned with some seashells in his hands and seaweeds around his neck. he sat in front of the castle, the basic bucket shapes placed in a neat foundation, beginning to carve out windows and stairs.

“do you think our castle looks as good as theirs?” josh asked, pushing a seashell into the sand.

“nah, but pretty close.” tyler smiled, digging out a tiny moat for around the castle.

it actually looked pretty good, if josh was being honest. he went towards the umbrella again, pulling out his polaroid and bringing it back to the site, kneeling down and bringing the lens towards his eyes. he snapped a nice picture of the sandcastle and tyler not paying attention, too busy wrapped up in his castle.

when they were finished, they couldn’t really take it home, so they just left it in the sun for the high tide. they were there until sunset, josh making sure to snap a picture of tyler in the sunset. he didn’t know why he liked taking pictures so much, but tyler was pretty, and the sunset was nice at this beach.

he couldn’t miss that opportunity.

tyler was running josh a bath, just because he looked tired, tossing the pink bath bomb into the water. he sat on the top of the toilet seat, studying the way the ball would spin in the water and it turned into a foamy pink shade. before he’d used to see just grey, but now it was different, and if he was being honest, he did like josh. he knew how this went, how he’d feel and how much he’d think. he knew it would happen sometime, but he just didn’t know if he was going too fast. whenever he thought of the word _love,_ he found it strange.

he'd always think of josh.

but whatever. he was a fool, and that was alright.

the pink water had overtaken that transparency, and tyler turned to the little box of fake flower petals he had in a jar, uncovering it and sprinkling some in there as he called josh into the bathroom.

“yes?” he asked, popping his head into the door.

“i ran you a bath, if that’s alright?” tyler asked.

“oh, wow. thank you.” josh smiled, looking at the bath.

he wondered if tyler was able to see how pink it was, almost like his favorite color.

“call me if you need anything, okay?”

josh nodded, watching tyler leave the bathroom before calling his name the second the door shut. tyler had a tiny smirk on his face, looking at josh to see what he wanted.

“we should,” josh _almost_ had enough confidence to ask, but then again, he didn’t. “um...”

tyler watched as his gaze fell to the floor, his cheeks dusted in embarrassment. josh probably shouldn’t have said anything.

“i’ll get towels.” tyler smiled, making josh feel a little less stupid.

he kept the door open, which was alright. josh took off his trunks, making sure to avoid the mirror, and sank into the bathwater. it was nice; he hadn’t had a bath in a long time, especially in this bathtub. he looked into his pink reflection and poked at it, watching how it rippled. he played with the water, just to pass the time, before tyler came into the bathroom with two white, fluffy towels, setting them on the little rack next to the bathtub. he pulled his phone out of his pocket, pressing the screen until he heard music coming from it. he shrugged at the song being played, placing it on the rack as well.

josh covered his eyes with his hands and waited until he heard little splashes in the water, peeking out from between his fingers and seeing tyler.

_take my hand_

he smiled, dimples poking his cheeks as he waved at josh, who waved back. tyler thought josh was the most adorable thing on this planet, and he just wanted to know what he did to deserve him. tyler sank lower into the water, looking at josh as the music played softly in the background, josh’s hazel eyes meeting his own. he could tell tyler was thinking, but he couldn’t tell about what.

_take my whole life, too_

“what’s going on?” josh asked, leaning back on the bathtub walls.

_for i can’t help falling in love with you_

tyler shrugged. “are you sick of me?”

“why would i be sick of you?” josh asked, thinking the question ridiculous.

tyler shrugged again. it seemed like he was best friends with his doubts, because if josh was being honest, tyler was the best thing that’s happened to him in his life. he still didn’t know if he thanked him enough, but he was trying. he still wrote him notes, and he still got him flowers when he didn’t expect it, for all those times he didn’t receive flowers from other people.

_darling, so it goes_

tyler deserved the world.

_some things were meant to be_

after a few moments of just thinking to himself, eyes wandering over josh’s hair and the dips of his shoulders and chest, he decided he loved them. he loved how his eyes would shine whenever they’d see each other, or the little gifts and gestures josh did that unknowingly made him fall harder for him. he decided he loved the tattoos on josh arm and the silver ring in his nose. he decided loved his personality and laugh that could brighten up a room. if tyler could be with josh for the rest of his life, he’d be _one happy guy._

“josh?” tyler asked, making josh look up at him from the water.

he gnawed on his bottom lip in nerves as he searched josh’s eyes for something, but he didn’t know what. he was keeping josh waiting, though he didn’t mean to. he was trying to think of a way to say it, but it kind of just slipped when josh did one of those confused smiles that he liked to kill him with.

“i love you.”

josh’s heart sank in his chest, blinking at tyler. “me?”

“yes, you.” tyler smiled, his voice soft. _who else?_ “i love you.”

and in no time josh was kissing the life out of tyler, because he couldn’t be any happier. of all the times he’d been overthinking it, he didn’t need to, because _tyler joseph_ loved him. tyler held the small of josh’s back as his cheeks were in josh’s hands, sinking into the water further. feelings of happiness and love were all wrapped up in the movements of their lips, molded together like the perfect pieces to both of their crazy puzzles. the bathtub water splashed around them as tyler kissed josh even harder, josh’s nose squished in between their faces, but he couldn’t care less.

_tyler loved him._

“oh,” josh pulled back slightly, looking at tyler’s brown eyes and realizing he forgot to say it, “i love you, too.”

his smile grew when he heard himself say it.

_wowie._


	24. {april}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. hey guys! this is just a little filler i managed to write, hopefully it's alright :) 
> 
> update: i've figured out what to do, no worries 
> 
> i have the ending planned as well
> 
> hueh hueh ;)
> 
> but yeah, that's it. testing is on thursday and friday, but after that,
> 
> IT'S ON
> 
> LET'S GET IT
> 
> enjoy!
> 
> p.s. thank you guys so much for reading!! i know it's annoying if you're reading and i update like every century but iM SORRY D: thank you lmao)

it’s been two months.

they were still falling hard for each other, even though some time has passed. every day, when josh first saw tyler, he would remind him that he did. tyler knew it anyways, but he still didn’t mind hearing him say it. three little words could turn everything upside down, from things they did now to things they’d say.

josh had finally dyed his hair, taking on a light, pastel pink to try. tyler thought he looked beautiful, the color meaning much to him as it did josh. it wasn’t _exactly_ the color tyler’s cheeks turned sometimes, but it was pretty close.

tyler thought he looked even better surrounded by his white sheets, the morning sun pouring down on them. he smiled down at josh, sitting on his waist and taking him in. they’ve been like this for a little while now, josh moving his arms in tiny figure eights, tyler’s hands moving with them.

out of all the times they’ve just looked at each other, there was always _something_ new that the other hadn’t seen before. josh just now noticed the little scar on the bridge of tyler’s straight nose, and tyler saw the extra creases near his eyes when he smiled and the way his eyebrows arched over them. it was weird, but nowadays, all tyler could do was think about josh.

he made him happy, and it’s been a while since that’s actually happened.

the sunlight slashed through tyler’s eyes, illuminating them for josh to see the gold specks that clustered around his pupils and the black that surrounded them. josh always liked brown eyes; they were hidden gems in the sunlight. those same eyes were trailed down josh’s face to his bare chest, searching the tanned expanse of skin for any remaining marks, but smiled softly when he came up short.

“josh, you are one gorgeous guy.” tyler said, his voice soft from the morning.

“i am?” josh asked jokingly, tyler already knowing that josh didn’t need confirmation.

he noticed how he would look at himself in the mirror sometimes whenever he was changing or about to shower. he noticed how he would take compliments better than before, sometimes even doing more than just a “thank you” in response. he noticed how he would give tyler random hugs and kisses, just because he wanted to. it showed that he was back, his confidence, security, everything, and tyler was proud of him.

he saw josh’s eyes leave his for a moment, focused on the wall.

he was thinking.

“tyler, what if alex comes back for us?” josh asked, looking at his hands and seeing the scars that hadn’t gone away from when alex used to hurt him.

“he won’t. he’s in jail for the next eight years, josh.” tyler said.

“but when he gets out?”

“i will make sure he doesn’t even look at you. he’d have to kill me first.” tyler’s eyebrows scrunched together at the thought of alex’s ugly face and black soul.

to this day, he still couldn’t understand how someone would want to hurt josh. he was so sweet.

josh blinked at tyler, hoping that alex wouldn’t actually kill tyler when he got out. he decided to stop thinking about it, and instead focused on this gift on top of him. he still couldn’t figure out what he did to deserve someone like tyler. one guy took a chance on him and changed his entire life.

for the better.

“i love you.” josh said, his lips turning upwards into a smile as the words fell out of his mouth.

“i love you, too.” tyler giggled, his stomach filled with butterflies.

you’d think he would be used to it by now, being with josh like this for three months. tyler liked that about them, that they could do the same things every day, but yet it still felt like they were at the start again, and he didn’t think anything could beat that. tyler dropped his body on josh, hearing an “oomph” and laughing. he wrapped his arms around josh’s middle as best as he could, snuggling into his chest and making josh laugh at the tickling sensation.

josh’s phone began to ring on the charger, him reaching over to the nightstand to get it. he pressed the phone to his ear after sliding the green button over the screen.

“hey, mom!” josh greeted, tyler assuming it was jenna.

tyler listened as josh talked, his voice always lovely to hear. he remembered josh telling him about the times when alex used to say it was annoying, how he talked so much and how his voice sounded. but to tyler, it was one of the most wonderful things he’s heard, especially when he would laugh at something he said. he would listen to josh all day, if he could. he shut his eyes, smiling softly at the jumps of his chest whenever he would chuckle at something jenna said, or the vibrations of him speaking.

it almost put him to sleep.

almost.

“ty, jenna says hi.” josh said, looking down at tyler.

“hi, jenna!” tyler called.

“she wants to know if you want to go to disneyland tomorrow.”

“okay.” tyler shrugged.

he liked disneyland; he never left without pictures of the mascots there. he always appreciated the people in costumes in the sun. after finishing his conversation with jenna, josh threw his arm over tyler’s body, hugging him closer to him. he was at home again, in the safety of tyler joseph and this bed. wrapped up in comfy sheets and cuddling with someone he loved was always a want for him, because he’d seen it in movies so many times and he wondered when he would get that; but here tyler was, making it happen.

smokey meowed lightly at them, tyler opening his eyes again to meet smokey’s blue ones. he reached out and pet his soft fur, making him get up and stride over to them. he pressed his little nose to tyler’s, making josh smile widely. this was so adorable, yet also the one time he didn’t have his polaroid with him. he didn’t want to get up, because then it would disturb them both, but he didn’t mind.

they laid there in silence, tyler resting on josh and listening to the thumps of his heart and soft breaths escaping his mouth, smokey next to them. they were like a family, almost.

josh wouldn’t mind being like this for a while, and frankly, neither would tyler.


	25. {wonderwall}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. YALL I AM SO SORRY I'VE BEEN MIA FOR THE LAST FIFTY YEARS BUT
> 
> i'm back and betta than eva with updates for you! :)
> 
> i am so blessed testing is over and let me tell you test week is a stress because all these teachers cramming reviews and projects down your throat when they know DANG WELL you tryin' not to die 
> 
> but anyways
> 
> irrelevant
> 
> just an update, if you guys care: i'm going to try and finish this book up soon, because it's pretty long and idk if you guys even like it, but i still wanna finish it :/ 
> 
> is it okay so far? let me know what you think, don't be afraid to talk to me! thank you so much for reading, like y'all this shit had 500+ reads and it's not even finished yet
> 
> like i'm not saying that to brag, but honestly it really means a lot that you take your time to read, so ehm
> 
> THANK YOU!
> 
> enjoy!)

it was josh’s birthday today.

he’d be turning twenty-four, and tyler thought he should do something special for him. he was an okay cook, so why not have a candle-lit dinner, right here in their dining room? tyler had jenna help him pick out nice roses and set up the house for josh, decorated with subtle birthday banners.

jenna was out with josh now while tyler cooked for the both of them, going to the pet store to look at more cats. josh had brought up that another smokey would be nice, and tyler was up for that idea. it was perfect that it was discussed yesterday, that way jenna and tyler didn’t have to work so hard to keep josh out of the house for a bit.

he took the roasted chicken out of the oven as soon as the buzzer rang in his ears, taking off his oven mittens and placing them next to the stove. he shut it off, the timer switching to the actual time, bright green digital numbers flashing across it.

he had about a half an hour left, deciding it would be enough to set the table and look presentable. trying to balance rushing and not dropping everything at the same time, he set a sheet from their linen closet over the small dining table, replacing the vase of roses in the center and placing the nice china that he saved for events like this around the white tablecloth. he set out the bowl of french bread he managed to cut up into big pieces near the deep red roses, going towards the stove again to set out the chicken.

he had fifteen minutes left.

he heard his phone go off as he put on an oven mitten to take the pot from the stove, glancing down at it. he got a little too distracted, because the sides of the pot touched his sensitive skin and _holy shit was that hot._

“fuck!” tyler drew his arm back quickly, almost dropping the chicken off of the counter as he looked at his burn.

his skin was growing red in a streak down his forearm, beginning to sting. he groaned, deciding to deal with it as he carried both the roasted chicken and cooling rack over the to table, careful not to spill any chicken juice on the way. he went back to his phone, glancing at the time every few seconds.

 **j:** _ty, we’re coming. i got his dressed up and i pretended that we’re going out to dinner. don’t eat all the food >:( _

tyler chuckled at the message, texting her back.

 **t:** _cool, thank you, jenna. i’ll see you soon_

tyler left his phone on the counter, rushing into his room to take the quickest shower of his life and get dressed before josh came home.

////

he heard the doorbell ring downstairs.

he looked at himself in the mirror again, smoothing out his button up and sighing from butterflies flipping out in his stomach. out of all the times josh had come home, this was the most nervous he’s been. all he was doing was throwing him a surprise dinner, right? it’s not like he was proposing, or giving bad news.

there was nothing to be nervous about. nothing should go wrong tonight.

tyler ruffled his hair to try and calm it down, raising his eyebrows in defeat as it was no use before jogging down the stairs. he saw josh through the peephole in a nice button down and slacks, like he was, blowing out a breath as he patted his clammy palms on his slacks.

tyler opened the door, greeting josh with a wide smile.

“hi, ty!” josh said, looking around into their red-lit house. “when did you change the lights?”

“jenna helped me.” he said, looking back at her black car and waving as she winked suggestively and drove away.

tyler rolled his own, softly taking josh’s hand in his and leading him into the house. soft music was playing in the background. now that josh was listening to it, it was elvis, and now that josh was _listening_ to it, it was the same song playing when they were in the bathtub that night. he looked at tyler, who smiled and looked at the floor, his favorite color dusting his cheeks.

“happy birthday, love.” tyler said, shutting the door.

josh had his hand over his chest, trying to control his heart rate at what tyler was doing. never in his life did he think someone would ever do something like this, to put all this work and effort into something as little as his birthday.

“thank you, ty.” josh smiled, following tyler over to the dining room and seeing the complete setup.

tyler pulled out one of the chairs for josh, smiling to him as he sat down and pushed him in.

tyler was too nice.

the dinner consisted of occasional glances from tyler to josh to make sure he was okay with everything, and josh to tyler because _man,_ did he love this guy so much. it was crazy, how something could change in such a short time. josh appreciated every single thing tyler did for him, and this was another one he could add to that list. he just hoped tyler felt the same, that josh was alright, too. he still tried to do things for him, little surprises that made tyler smile and hug him until he couldn’t breathe because he was so happy, but sometimes he felt like it wasn’t enough.

maybe it was still the remnants of the leash alex had on him before tyler, like no matter what he did, it just wasn’t enough.

tyler on the other hand, would tell josh otherwise if he knew what he was thinking.

“how were the cats?” tyler asked, breaking josh’s train of thought.

“they were really cute. are we going to get one?”

“yeah. you want to go tomorrow?”

josh nodded, tyler doing the same. he hoped josh had his mind set on a specific kind, he didn’t know the first thing about cats.

“shoot. we forgot to pour the wine.” josh said, taking the bottle in his hands.

“i think we should share this wine outside.” tyler suggested, just like he’d planned, making sure to check the forecast.

their house was in a nice little spot when their backyard pointed straight into the stars, slightly slanted to adjust with the little hill behind it. tyler had already set out a bunch of blankets to make sure the grass didn’t poke at them if they did decide to go out there, thankful when josh got up out of his seat and grabbed the two empty glasses that sat beside it.

“after you, sir.” josh joked, making tyler playfully roll his eyes as he went into the backyard.

tyler was the first to sit on the blankets, seeing the sky turning into shades of red and orange, the light navy blue of it behind them. night was approaching, but the sun still held on and the stars were beginning to come out.

perfect.

tyler pulled open the corkscrew top with much effort, coming off with a tiny pop. he poured a bit into josh’s glass, then into his own, setting the bottle on a flatter part of the grass to ensure the wine wouldn’t spill. josh looked at the stars, sipping the dark red liquid and smiling.

“thank you, tyler.” josh said again, the late calls of birds meeting their curfew echoing throughout the sky.

“for what?” tyler asked. it was kind of important to do something like this on someone’s birthday, especially if it was josh.

he didn’t need to thank him.

“for this. i’ve never had someone do this before. it’s nice.” josh smiled widely, looking into his glass and swirling the wine around.

“well, i’m glad i could be the first. you deserve it.”

“i don’t.” josh shook his head. “i don’t deserve you either.”

“neither do i, but you’re here, and i’m glad you stuck around.” tyler said softly, drinking the last bit of what was in his glass. “i love you, okay? very much.”

josh couldn’t help the blush that crept onto the apples of his cheeks, hiding them behind his cold hands. he couldn’t understand how those words always did this to him, but he liked hearing them and they meant the world to him, no matter how red he got.

“i love you, too.” he said, a tiny laugh in his words as he downed the last of his wine.

he looked at tyler, who turned his head to meet his eyes upon seeing that. tyler smiled softly at him, josh returning the gesture. his eyes trailed from his big brown ones to his straight nose, to the dip above his lips before finally settling on them. tyler noticed josh take his bottom lip between his teeth in nerves, his heart pumping fast when he began to lean in, hesitantly at first, until he felt his lips brush over his, kissing him softly.

josh pulled back slightly, ghosting over tyler’s mouth, eyes shut as he waited to see what tyler would do. tyler met josh’s lips again, letting go of his glass. he heard it land on the blanket with a tiny _thud_ before reaching to josh’s neck and pulling him closer. josh breathed in through his nose, pushing against tyler as want began to creep up his stomach. it was weird; josh hadn’t felt this before, but between tyler and the sky, he couldn’t stop it, and if he was being honest, he didn’t want to.

tyler pushed him onto the blanket, never breaking contact as he lowered himself so that he was flush with josh. josh shifted his head so that he could get a better angle to tyler’s mouth, the kiss becoming heated as he did so. he found his shaky hands trailing to tyler’s shirt, fiddling with the first button until it became undone. tyler helped him, straddling josh’s waist before undoing the rest of them, leaning back down to catch josh’s lips again. josh swallowed thickly as tyler pressed his knee between his legs, releasing a breath as he began to move with each kiss he placed to josh’s lips.

josh traced his fingers lightly over tyler’s warmed skin, causing goosebumps to litter his body, dragging them down to rest on his waist. tyler trailed feather light kisses from the corner of josh’s mouth to his neck, smiling slightly when josh’s breath hitched as he reached a certain spot on his throat. josh felt himself becoming needy, arching his back slightly as tyler lightly bit at that _certain spot,_ his fingers working at josh’s buttons this time.

josh realized what was happening, trying to enjoy himself, but something just...

came up.

he remembered being kissed like this, and he remembered the feelings he got from it. they were the same; same position, same touches, same intent. tyler’s were softer, gentle; nothing like last time. but something still couldn’t leave, no matter what he did. he _tried_ to enjoy himself, being here in the darkness of his eyelids as tyler moved against him, trying to focus on these feelings instead.

each kiss was another piece of a memory he was trying to forget, trying to replace with tyler. he tried to make them go away, distant fears and dark times creeping up to him again, wrapping around his mind like poisonous gas.

maybe being behind his eyelids wasn’t such a good idea.

he felt tyler’s fingers tease at his waistband, tugging at them, but not enough to where the fabric moved. the air prickled at his skin, and fingers were grasping his hips, _just like last time._

he wanted to stop.

he didn’t want to think like this with tyler.

he wanted to _stop._

he couldn't find words to tell tyler, trying to just go with it until they left.

he didn’t want to think like this with tyler. 

no matter what he tried, tyler didn’t look like tyler anymore. his mind was somehow able to ruin everything for him, and no matter how hard he tried to push back those memories, he couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed. last time he was touched like this, and kissed like _this,_ it wasn’t by tyler.

“a-alex, stop.” josh blurted out, before he could even think about what he said.

tyler’s heart sunk as he stopped his actions, josh breaking down on himself in regret as he saw the amount of hurt in tyler’s eyes. it was like someone had placed a plastic bag over tyler’s head, like he was in a car that was sinking to the bottom of the ocean. he scrambled off of him, josh’s words caught in his throat as he watched tyler disappear into the house, his mouth running dry as he couldn’t take it back.

_he couldn’t take it back._

maybe he shouldn’t have thought at all the last time he was touched like that.

////

josh entered the house after a while, when the night was completely silent. almost as dead as the house.

his eyes were puffy, his lips swollen from gnawing on them in worry. he hated himself right now, but can you blame him?

he had tyler’s shirt in his hands, deciding to stop looking at it before more tears poured down his face. he couldn’t comprehend why he said that. it was nothing like the last time, but his past got the best of him and he _hated_ himself for it.

he wanted to be gone. he wanted everything to just go away, including himself.

he sighed, going into the laundry room and placing tyler’s shirt as the only piece of clothing in the washer, deciding to clean it. maybe of the dirt that got in it from the backyard, or maybe from what josh had said. maybe it was the only thing that josh could do to get rid of the itch under his skin from being so stupid.

he couldn’t believe himself.

he sat on top of the dryer, hiding his head in his hands as he tried to think. he couldn’t fix this; there was no way. he felt warm tears slip through the spaces in his fingers, from where he was hiding his face, and soon he was crying again because of his own mistakes.

he loved tyler, almost too much for his own good, but he had to go and ruin it.

_happy birthday to him._

after the hum of the washing machine ceased, josh’s senses numb, he got off of the machine and replaced the shirt in the dryer, taking up a seat on the washer again. he waited, focusing his attention on the music that was still playing throughout the house, already going through the playlist at least twice and starting over.

_there are so many things that i would like to say to you_

josh hid his face in his hands again, the lights of the laundry room too bright for his eyes right now.

he just couldn’t believe those stupid words could ruin something they’ve tried so hard to build up.

_you’re gonna be the one that saves me, ‘cause after all_

the dryer stopped, josh getting off of the machine and taking tyler’s warm, dry shirt out of the dryer. he tried to think if he should just give it to him, or leave it by his door, or what. he didn’t even know if tyler wanted to see his face right now.

he didn’t know if tyler still loved him.

_you’re my wonderwall_

he folded it up, staring at the cloth. he smiled sullenly at the night they had before that, a stray tear tickling his cheek. if only he had just kept his mouth shut and didn’t _think_ so damn much.

he lightly treaded up the stairs with tyler’s folded button up in his shaky hands, blowing out a breath. he just needed to make sure tyler was okay. it was alright if he hated him, and it was alright if tyler didn’t want to see him. he understood, it was his fault anyway.

he just wanted tyler to be okay.

he knocked lightly on tyler’s bedroom door, taking his lip between his teeth. tyler hadn’t slept in his own room in months.

he opened the door slightly once tyler hadn’t answered, seeing him on his bed with the covers up, his bare chest covered with an oversized grey sweater as he had his nose in a book.

he only did that when he was trying to distract himself, his glasses perched on his nose.

he looked up when he saw josh enter the room, his eyebrows coming together as soon as he noticed josh hadn’t stopped crying, though it’s been hours. he could tell by the puffiness in his eyes or the remnants of sticky tears that dried into his cheeks.

“i-i washed your sh-shirt.” josh tried to get out, but seeing tyler made him even more upset with himself.

he didn’t want to cry, as tyler would’ve thought he was just pitying himself, but he couldn’t help it. he was too upset with himself to try, his mouth twisting into a frown. tyler set his book down, his heart feeling like it was being squeezed even more as he watched josh struggle. all he was doing was giving him back his clean shirt, but _fuck_ was this hard.

he got out from under the covers and rushed over to josh before he could break completely, wrapping him in a hug to try and keep him together. the shirt fell to the floor in a heap as josh buried his face in the crook of tyler’s neck, hands fisted in the material of his sweater. he was shaking from crying so hard, nothing but sniffles being heard throughout the room.

“i’m s-sorry, tyler. i’m so-sorry.” josh’s voice was muffled in tyler’s sweater, growing wet.

tyler didn’t care, he just wanted josh to know it wasn’t his fault. tyler knew him, and would never hold him accountable for something like that, ever.

besides, josh had to know he wasn’t _him._

“shh. it’s okay. it’s okay.” tyler said softly, tightening his grip on josh and kissing his hair. “it’s okay.”

josh shook his head, gripping tyler’s sweater even harder. he should’ve known not to be so stupid.

tyler continued to shush him, rubbing comforting circles into josh’s back. he held him until he stopped crying, and even after that, just to make sure he was alright.

“listen to me.” tyler said after a few moments, resting his head on josh’s. “i know what you went through, josh. i won’t blame that on you. it’s okay, alright? i love you.”

of course, tyler was still shaken up at that, but it wasn’t josh fault.

he knew that.

he had to have.


	26. {texts}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. hey guys i'm back
> 
> i decided to end the book at around 30 chapters? is that too long? 
> 
> ugh
> 
> but anyways, enjoy!)

it’s been weeks, yet tyler still slept in josh’s bed with him.

even after that night, he came into the room in the early morning to slip into the duvet with him, it being especially cold that night (maybe because tyler turned the thermostat down so he could have an excuse, but that’s beside the point). if anything, he went on like nothing happened, though josh still felt it picking at him. he knew tyler forgave him, off of the many times he said he did, but he was still upset with himself whenever he thought about it.

to tyler, it was an honest mistake, and it didn’t matter to him anymore. they still carried on like normal, though it’d take some time for them to try something like that again, but tyler could wait.

he didn’t mind.

it was morning now, josh wrapped in the fluffy blanket covering his body, as the sun warmed his face slightly through the window. 

he felt soft kisses peppering his forehead.

he made a face at the feeling, tyler only smiling and kissing him even more. his eyebrows crinkled together in his sleep, slowly opening his drowsy eyes to a very awake tyler on top of him, straddling his waist.

“hi, jish!” tyler shouted, making josh groan.

he had his hands on josh’s chest, looking down at him with a little grin on his face. josh couldn’t help but smile back, placing his own hands on tyler’s waist, just to make sure he wouldn’t fall.

“why are you up so early?” josh asked, seeing tyler in an oversized white shirt, almost making him look like he was wearing a dress.

it was cute though, josh wasn’t complaining.

tyler shrugged. “i saw pete mix coffee and red bull once, aaaand i did that, aaaaand i shouldn’t have!”

josh gave tyler a confused look as he giggled on top of him.

“did you put something else in there, too?” he joked, tyler rolling his eyes.

“no, silly! let’s go pick up the cat!” tyler said, rolling backwards with josh’s hand in his to try and get him up, but josh couldn’t move because tyler was still on him.

when tyler frowned in defeat, josh gestured for tyler to come closer to him. tyler leaned forward with his head slightly turned, just in case josh wanted to tell him a secret or something. josh quickly pulled tyler to him and flipped them over, tyler gasping slightly at the rush. josh pressed tiny kisses all over tyler’s throat, making him laugh from the tickling sensation.

“josh! s-stop!” tyler got out in between giggles, his sides beginning to hurt from laughing so much.

josh kissed tyler’s forehead this time, taking tyler’s hand and leading him off of the bed to the bathroom, letting go when they reached the sink.

“josh, we can’t brush our teeth at the same time.” tyler said, looking at the sink.

“’course we can.”

josh turned on the water and slipped his toothbrush underneath the faucet, squeezing the toothpaste on it before handing the tube to tyler, who playfully rolled his eyes at him and did the same. josh leaned into the sink to check if he was getting all of his teeth with the brush, tyler using his hip to lightly bump him out the way.

josh laughed, spitting into the sink as close to the drain as he could, because _ew,_ and rising his mouth out.

after getting ready in the bathroom as best as they could without laughing at each other, they drove down to the pet store, josh becoming excited when they pulled into the parking lot.

“what if someone already adopted the cool cats?” josh asked.

“then we find them, and then we adopt the cool cats back.” tyler shrugged, walking in the store with josh.

he linked their hands together, following the little animal symbols to tell them where they needed to go while lightly swinging their hands in between them. they reached the adoption center, small kittens and sleepy adult cats in their boxes, big eyes looking up at whoever walked in. the worker smiled at them, telling them that if they wanted to adopt, they’d have to fill out papers, and to just come and see her.

tyler and josh walked to the first kitten they saw, one of its tiny paws pressed against the glass. josh cooed, pressing his finger to the kitten’s paw and watched as it led its nose to it. josh smiled, waving at the kitten before moving on.

eventually, they settled on the first one they saw with the brown paws, deciding to call her ember because of her orange tinted coat. as soon as josh put her down on his lap, she climbed up his shirt and tried to balance on his neck, slipping off and leaving small scratches on his skin.

“ow.” josh frowned, holding ember in his hands as tyler drove them home.

“she’s energetic.”

“i know. sheesh.” josh huffed, smiling fondly at her.

josh’s phone went off, signaling a text message. tyler, not being one to dig into people’s business, continued to steer the car without asking who it was. josh was a private person anyway, so there was no reason to. as josh glanced down at the unknow number, his eyes widened.

**#:** _hey, joshy. you didn’t miss me too much, did you?_

a sickening shiver dragged its nails down the bones of josh’s spine, his heart pumping loudly in his ears. he had so many questions, and he didn’t know what to do. he couldn’t tell tyler, because that’d only worry him and he didn’t want to be a nuisance. he didn’t want to text him back, because that only make his head hurt and his skin crawl. anxiety began to cloud his mind like noxious smoke as he locked his phone and looked out the window.

there was only two people who called him that, and he already had pete’s number.

////

he decided to ignore it for the day, trying to enjoy the rest of it with tyler and ember and smokey, but uneasiness found its way into the cracks of his brain and settled there, deciding not to move.

it was nighttime now, tyler in the shower. josh was in their bed, trying to distract himself by scrolling through his mentions and notifications on social media, the text still hadn’t been responded to.

well, not yet anyways.

he saw a funny tweet, about to respond to it until the little message box hung down from his screen. he tapped on it.

**#:** _don’t you think it’s a little rude to ignore me?_

josh sighed, his heart beating in nerves as he opened the conversation.

**j:** _please stop texting me. i’ve had enough_

**#:** _awe, joshy. i haven’t though, so listen. i think we need to formally end our relationship_

**j:** _alright, then. i broke up with you_

**#:** _don’t be a dick_

**j:** _you’re one to talk_

**#:** _will you ever learn not to be an asshole to me? anyways, meet me tomorrow, i’ll send the address_

**j:** _and if i don’t?_

**#:** _i know where you live, don’t forget that_

**j:** _how the fuck did you get my number?_

josh watched as the text message bubble disappeared shortly after, sighing in defeat. he locked his phone, running his hands down his face in stress before trying to think. it felt like he was back at square one, when he was held down and he couldn’t escape. now that he did, something _had_ to come back and ruin him.

he was so fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. this might sound really annoying but i feel like all my works are the same. not the same plot and stuff but they just have some of the same elements incorporated into it and i'm sad because i don't know how to fix it
> 
> like it's not on purpose, but i imagine these scenes and try to figure out how i'm going to write it, and when i do write it, i'm like "oh fuck but that sounds like ____"
> 
> you get me? like idk what to do because if i think of something else it's not like how i want it but when i do think of something of what i want in the story it just seems like they're repetitive. 
> 
> sorry for that rant but i was thinking about it just now and yOLKES
> 
> if you guys know what i'm running on about and you write, what do you do when you come up short like that?
> 
> p.s. i'm writing the ending, so i'm not going to post chapters up regularly, instead i'll post a cluster of them in a few days, just in case there are any screw ups that i might need to change. ty!)


	27. {alex}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. hey guys i'm back!
> 
> i've been writing, and i've finally ended this book! i have the chapters written out and stuff, i just need to post them :)
> 
> thank you so much for reading and being patient with my slow ass, it means a lot!!! i hope you like the story so far, and tell me how the ending was so i know what people like and don't like. if you hated it, feel free to roast me, it's all good.
> 
> enjoy!)

with shaky breaths, josh zipped up his jacket, checking the time every minute and watching himself run out of it.

he wanted to stall for as long as he could, _really_ not wanting to go see him again. it’s been almost six months since he last saw his face, and he wasn’t sure how he’d react to it. he wasn’t sure how he’d react to all of those bad memories and remnants of pain he caused him.

he sighed, opening his bedroom door and slowly climbing down the stairs.

he heard light humming in the kitchen, mentally cursing himself as he quickly thought of a lie to tell tyler. he wasn’t supposed to tell him anything, and it made him feel awful for keeping this. he wanted to, but then again he didn’t. he wouldn’t be the reason tyler got hurt, so he just kept his mouth shut for now.

“hey, josh!” tyler called, hearing his footsteps by the door.

“hi, ty. i’m going to a friend’s house, i’ll be back soon.” josh said, his voice quivering, though he hoped tyler wouldn’t notice.

he didn’t.

“text me, alright?”

“okay.”

josh grabbed the keys by the door, unlocking tyler’s car and getting inside of it. he leaned his head on the steering wheel, blowing out a breath and closing his eyes. he’d do anything to not have to do this, to just go back into his house and have breakfast with tyler like normal.

to have him back in jail again.

he sighed, reluctantly put the address into the gps system on his phone and beginning the two hour drive to this warehouse he had no clue existed until this morning.

////

josh stopped the car when the lady on his phone told him he arrived, the giant warehouse in the middle of a big, empty lot. he got out of the car, weary, walking up to the front of it. he looked up at the vine covered warehouse building, his breath coming out in light fog in the chilly air as he tried to find the opening. there were many doors here, but only one was cracked open, assuming he was in there.

josh’s legs became stiff and his body grew cold, his stomach heavy with guilt and regret. he was starting to panic; he could do anything to him any minute. he should’ve brought someone else with him.

“oh my god.” josh huffed quietly, making his way as best as he could towards the open door.

he placed his hands on the cold metal, pushing it open and slowly slipping through. rocks and gravel littered the ground, as well as broken glass from the windows above. graffiti was sprayed on almost all of the discolored walls, tags and drawings covering them. it was quiet in here, except for the _pit-pat_ of josh’s footsteps crunching against the floor.

“joshy?”

josh stopped in his tracks, his ears ringing as soon as he heard his voice. everything he dealt with prior to that one night came rushing at him, almost knocking his breath from him. his throat coiled as alex stepped into the main area of the warehouse from a side room, locking eyes with josh. he was a lot more muscular when josh had last seen him, new tattoos from his neck disappearing into the collar of his shirt. his arms were covered in intricate designs, and josh almost scoffed at the teardrop underneath his eye. he’s only been in jail for months, yet he was acting like he was a regular. his blue eyes pierced josh’s soul, they made him feel small again.

he wanted to leave.

“it’s been a while, huh?” he asked, a smirk on his face.

he knew exactly what he was doing, and exactly how he made josh feel. he knew exactly how bad he hurt him and _exactly what he did._

“what do you want?” josh asked, his voice weak.

“you! come back to me, joshy!” alex cried, his voice carrying through the warehouse as he stood in the middle of it.

josh blinked at him, shaking his head in disbelief.

what the hell?

“how’d you even get out of jail?”

“bail money, sweetheart. having friends is a good thing, isn’t it? speaking of which, how’s tyler?”

“i’m leaving.” josh said, turning to leave the warehouse.

“i’ll kill him.”

josh removed his hand from the door, sighing and leaning his head against it. he was too tired to deal with this. he didn’t _need_ to deal with this.

“you’ve never killed anyone before in your life.” josh said lowly.

“there’s always a first for everything.”

“and a last. this is the last time i want to see you.” josh retaliated, his courage beginning to seep through his voice.

“wow. what happened to you? you used to be a coward, and now you have a voice?”

“surprise?” josh rolled his eyes, facing alex and folding his arms.

he didn’t care about his past right now. he didn’t care about alex, and he didn’t care about what he used to do to him. he was numb to the memories, and tyler was the only thing that mattered to him, alex didn’t.

“come back to me, josh. i’ve changed.”

 _“bullshit.”_ he sneered.

“i have! try me.” alex pushed.

“what do you want me to say? i hate you, and i always will. _over my dead body_ will i forgive you.” josh shook his head, still not able to comprehend this logic.

_yeah, i’ve hurt you in worse ways than possible, but i’ve changed, so love me again._

“i suppose if you won’t come with me, i’ll have to force you to.”

upon hearing that, josh found himself pushing open the door again as quickly as he could, slipping through the crack. alex began to run after him, josh forcing himself to run as fast as he could back to the car. he heard alex’s footsteps begin to grow hot on his trail, the cold wind beating down in his face and through his jacket as he ran towards the car.

he _needed_ to get away from him.

alex was too fast, and josh yelped as he was tackled to the ground, alex’s body weight knocking the wind from him.

“get off!” josh shouted, alex smirking.

“no one can hear you, josh.” alex said as he blocked all of josh’s punches and tried to get him to stop. “i’m taking you back home.”

alex swung his fist back, punching josh across the face as hard as he could.

he stopped moving.


	28. {chains}

josh was tired.

his eyes adjusted to the white sunlight that was pouring through the window, billowing lightly in the air conditioning. he squinted, trying to take in his surroundings. he was in a bedroom, his butt beginning to hurt as he woke from sitting on the dark hardwood for so long. his clothes were wrinkled and disheveled, reminding him of what happened and how he ended up here, his hand cuffed to the bedpost.

he had no idea where alex had taken him, if there was anyone around outside, or if anyone knew where he was. there was no way there would still be sunlight like this for this long, josh assuming that he was out through the night. he began to panic, his heart rate picking up speed as his breathing started to become labored. it felt like there was a weight on his chest, pressing down on his lungs. his mind was warped, trying to think of something to do, yet came up short each time. the room felt like it was spinning and his head hurt, so he shut his eyes tightly and tried to calm himself down.

he thought of tyler, and he wondered if he tried to call him. he was upset with himself, realizing that he never texted tyler before and that he was probably worried for him. he hoped he helped him out, but then again, he didn’t.

he would be safer that way.

his head snapped to the door, creaking on its hinges when alex walked in. he smiled brightly upon seeing josh, who of course, hadn’t returned the gesture. he was holding a plate of what looked like carrots and meat, josh couldn’t tell. he noticed the gun hanging off of alex’s belt, secured in a case. josh wondered why alex would need something like that, intimidation spreading in his chest.

“hey, joshy.” he said, his voice _too soft_ and _gross._ “i brought you food.”

“alex!” josh said angrily, his voice coming out in a whisper from grogginess. “what the fuck?”

“you wouldn’t come with me, so i had to do it some other way.” alex shrugged, sitting in front of josh and setting down a plate of food between them.

“let me leave.” josh begged, leaning his head back on the wall.

defeat was an understatement; josh was _trapped._

“i can’t.” alex said with fake sincerity, sighing as josh hadn’t looked at him. “you know i’ve never stopped loving you?”

“don’t do that.” josh looked at the plate of food alex had in between them.

“josh...”

“i want to go home.” josh said, knowing it wouldn’t make a difference, yet he still tried.

“you are home.” alex said, pushing the plate of food towards him.

after josh looked at it and then back to alex, he sighed again.

“look. we all want things. some things we just need to take for ourselves. like you. i wanted you, and now i took you. i know that you still love me, but i’m willing to wait until you admit it.” alex said, his tone nagging.

“then you’ll be waiting forever.” josh said, trying to look around the room for something to escape with, coming up short. “where the hell even am i?”

“a few hours out of malibu.” alex shrugged, getting up from his spot. “you enjoy that while i tell your mistress that you’re safe. well, that _i’m_ safe.”

josh almost couldn’t believe it, but with the number of psychotic actions that alex has showed him, he wasn’t surprised. he couldn’t even tell tyler that he wasn’t okay, instead alex was texting him and telling him he was.

“where does he think i am?” josh asked, fearing the worst.

“with your mom in ohio. took an impromptu trip to get there.” alex shrugged, josh watching as he texted someone.

“he wouldn’t believe that.”

alex read a text from him. “okay, my love. tell her i said ‘hi’.”

he looked at josh, almost mockingly.

he tugged at the handcuff in frustration, moving the bed with each movement. he wanted to scream at the sky, scream because he was with alex again and _scream_ because he couldn’t save himself. he didn’t know how long he’d be in here, and he didn’t know what alex was planning. alex laughed, watching josh struggle, before leaving the room and shutting the door behind him.

out of the many, many times he’s been around alex, this was his most terrifying state.  


	29. {last}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. HOLY SNAP ALMOST 700 READS ALREADY Y'ALL
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH
> 
> enjoy!)

tyler hadn’t been sleeping.

it’s been almost a week since josh hadn’t come home, and despite calling literally _everyone_ in his contacts that knew josh, he came up short. no one had any idea of who he was with, or what happened to him.

he hadn’t left the house in days, too pre-occupied with trying to figure out a way to find josh.

josh had already texted him, saying that he was with his mom, but something was so _completely_ off about it that tyler knew something was wrong. josh’s mom lived in california, just a few miles from san diego, and even then, tyler hadn’t formally met her yet, and josh had planned to take him with him the next time he went. he tugged at his hair, staring into the white sheets of josh’s bed. he didn’t know what to do, thinking too much about everything and anything. his thoughts were jumbled, almost like a pile of spaghetti, his train of thought buried to the bottom of the bowl.

he didn’t know what to do.

he was hopeless right now; josh literally left without a trace. he thought of calling the police, but he didn’t know the first thing about where josh could be, and he didn’t even have his phone.

he tried to imagine josh being back home, and what they’d be doing now at six in the morning. probably waking up to make each other breakfast, or going out to the backyard to see the sunrise. he imagined his smile and crow’s feet by his eyes, or how his hair would flop sometimes whenever he’d laugh so hard he’d double over. tyler needed that back here, now.

he sighed, trying not think of josh in any pain, but even then, he couldn’t get to him.

he was gone.

////

jenna had come over to try and help tyler with everything.

she was in the kitchen while tyler was sitting at the island, his face in his hands while trying to think again. his head was pounding, and his heart hurt, but he still tried to think. he folded his arms on the table and rested his head in them. it felt like a heavy weight was being pressed onto his shoulders the more he thought about not having josh.

he didn’t even know if he had any time left.

“and how do you know that he’s not with his mom?” jenna asked, stirring the brownie batter in the mixing bowl, knowing tyler would feel better with them.

“his mom doesn’t live in ohio anymore. she moved.” tyler said, voice monotoned.

“to where?”

“san diego. it was a little bit after christmas? so she could be closer to josh.”

“who could be with josh now?” jenna poured the batter into a greased pan, careful not to spill anything.

“i have no idea, jenna. i’m going to cry.” tyler wasn’t actually going to cry again, but he sure felt like it.

“no, don’t. we could figure this out.” jenna pushed the pan into the oven, going to wash the bowl.

she looked at tyler, her light eyes comforting him just a little, but he still felt like shit.

“who would have a motive to take josh?” she asked, thinking around it herself.

she wasn’t really into josh’s life like tyler was; sure, they were very good friends, but she still didn’t know all the ins and outs of him like tyler did.

she was trying, though.

“what about that guy he dated before?” jenna suggested, cleaning out the bowl.

“alex? he’s in jail.” tyler said, completely dismissing the idea.

“didn’t he come from a wealthy background and have rich friends? he could’ve bailed.”

and tyler’s eyes blew wide with that realization. the jail here was...not great, and it could surely be a possibility that anyone could be bailed out if they knew the right people with the right amount of money.

“holy fuck.” tyler breathed out, his heart speeding up. “what if he’s with him?”

“he might be! we need to figure out where he is!” jenna said, an idea hitting her. “ty, turn on his phone location.”

tyler dashed up the stairs to get his phone from the nightstand, hope rising in his chest as he pressed josh’s contact name. he saw that they were still sharing locations, even though they never looked at them, sighing.

“jenna, i got it! we need to go.” tyler said, rushing down the stairs.

“ty, wait. we don’t know what we’re getting into.” jenna called from the kitchen, meeting him by the front door.

“we need to help josh! he could be dead or something!” tyler said, grabbing his keys from the table.

“tyler, this is alex we are talking about. he could be waiting for you. this could be a trap. we need to figure out a plan.” jenna pushed.

“why are you being so calm about this?” tyler asked, desperate for her to just _come with him._

“because you can’t help him if you’re dead.”

tyler sighed, going into the kitchen. “okay, fine. should i call the police?”

“no, don’t. let’s see if we could figure this out ourselves. alex wouldn’t have a gun or anything, would he?”

tyler shook his head, hoping he was right. the timer for the brownies went off, jenna taking them out of the oven before sliding into the seat across from tyler at the island.

“so, what? we just go in and ask for josh back?”

“you know that won’t work.” jenna said, shaking her head. “i think we need to come up with a plan to distract him while you take josh.”

“distract him how?”

“i don’t know.” jenna sighed, looking at the time. it was almost twelve. “let’s make one up on the way there, we should go.”

tyler looked at her, seeing how worried and fearful she was, yet she was still willing to help. he was scared, because he knew how alex was and he had no idea what he was capable of, yet he needed to help josh _now._

they hesitantly left the house, beginning the drive to wherever the hell josh was, leaving the brownies on the stove.

////

josh was beginning to get thin.

alex gave him food, but he never ate it. he didn’t know what was in it, and he’d rather not find out. the handcuff had caused red marks on his skin, and bruises were beginning to form around the metal from all those times he’d tug at it. it hurt, but he couldn’t care less at this point. he would be willing to rip his entire arm off just to get the _fuck_ out of here.

he needed sleep and food. he needed to go back to tyler.

his head shot up when he saw alex opened the door, an angry expression possessing his features. josh was all too familiar with that look, prepared to take whatever alex threw at him.

_again._

“you haven’t said anything yet.” alex said, his eyebrows scrunched together.

“about what?” josh asked.

“don’t fucking play stupid! you know what!”

josh winced at the raise in his voice, not hearing something like that since december.

it was almost july now.

“wh-what?” josh tried, softer this time to try and not piss alex off.

“it’s been a week, josh! just say it!” alex’s voice grew desperate. “please?”

josh hung his head, realizing what he was talking about. “i’m never going to say it. i hate you.”

alex blinked at josh, before he heard his breath heavily in anger. he lifted his head to see alex pull out a small key from his pocket, josh holding his breath as alex got close to him to unlock his handcuff, grabbing his arm and yanking him up. josh tried to keep up with alex as he walked quickly out of the room, tugging josh along, his fingertips digging into his flesh.

“where are you taking me?” josh asked, worried.

“i’m going to show you something.” alex said gruffly, not meeting josh’s eyes.

alex pushed him into the kitchen, josh catching himself on the counter near the sink. alex went over to the knife rack, sliding out the biggest one with a _slink._ josh watched with wide eyes as he turned to face him.

“do you know what it feels like to love someone, and then have them say they hate you?” alex asked, his voice sour.

josh squinted at him, remembering that night when the exact same scenario happened. “yes, i do. very much.”

alex chuckled, knowing that he was talking about him. “it feels terrible, doesn’t it? almost like a punch to the face.”

alex rushed over to josh, smashing his fist against josh’s jaw, his head turning with the impact towards the white wall. alex went to punch him again, josh pushing him back before he got the chance to. he could barely see, his vision a bit blurred, but he saw alex’s furious stare.

“stop hurting me!” josh shouted, his mouth beginning to hurt from the punch.

“you don’t know how it feels!” alex retaliated, staring down at the knife in his hands. “it feels like someone stabbed you in your heart when they say they hate you.”

just then, hearing alex’s broken and fragile voice, josh began to grow soft. he looked at him, his blue eyes filled with sadness.

alex suddenly swung the knife in his hands at josh, josh yelping as he ducked it. alex wouldn’t let up, swinging the knife again and barely missing josh’s eye. josh gasped when alex brought the knife up quickly and brought it down again, plunging the knife into josh’s shoulder. he screamed, pain rising up his arm like hellfire, squeezing his eyes shut to try and block it out. he looked up at alex, who had the bloody knife raised, ready to hit him again. he used his other hand to push josh to the floor, straddling his waist, the knife still in his hands.

“alex! please stop!” josh begged, anticipating for the moment alex was to lower it.

alex’s eyes grew soft, his expression saddened. he was never one to kill anybody, and he didn’t want to kill josh. he just wanted him to know what if _felt like_ to be hated by someone who you loved.

it was the worst feeling in the world.

_josh wasn’t going to get away with it._

as alex blinked at josh, the front door was being knocked on. alex snapped his head to the sound, taking out of his trance before looking back to josh.

“i swear to god, if you say anything, i will shoot you.” alex threatened, tossing the bloody knife in the sink as he made his way to the door.

josh sighed in relief, his shoulder aching. he was sure he messed up alex’s floor, and his clothes were drenched, but he couldn’t care less. he pressed his hand to his shoulder, clenching his teeth as his fingertips made contact with the wound, trying and lessen the pain.

he sat up slowly, watching alex disappear out of the kitchen towards the front door, crawling to the entrance to try to see who it was. he left bloody handprints from the kitchen to the living room, peeking his head out from behind the table legs to try and see who was at the door.

he almost cried when he saw jenna there, leaning against the doorframe and talking to alex.

“hey, i saw you lived across the street? i’m new here, and i wanted to meet this block. alex, right?” her voice was sultry, different than what josh was used to hearing.

jenna flicked her eyes to the extra gun sitting right on the table near the door, assuming it was alex’s backup.

alex nodded, confused. “look, now isn’t a good time. can you come back later?”

“i’m on a time schedule. i’d really love to get to know you, though.” she placed her hand on his arm, looking up at him through her eyelashes.

alex flicked his tongue over his lips in thought, trying to figure something out.

josh heard faint tapping on the sliding glass door that led into the kitchen, turning around to see who it was. his heart swelled up at tyler’s face, who covered his mouth upon seeing josh’s battered state. josh tried to silently make his way over there, eager to see tyler again. tyler waved at a teary-eyed josh, who waved back. he pointed to the front door, tyler nodding and mouthing that he was going to get josh out of there. josh gestured to one of the few cinder blocks that alex had laying around in his backyard, near the shed.

it would be loud, but maybe it would work.

alex looked back to make sure josh was still in the kitchen, seeing he was gone from the spot he was in before. jenna quickly took the gun from the table, hiding it behind her back just as alex turned back to her. he shut the door on her, going to find josh. josh heard the front door close, looking back to see jenna wasn’t in the house, but alex was still here. he tried to shoo tyler away, but his attempts were in vain when alex’s angry eyes met tyler’s.

“are you fucking kidding me?” alex screamed at josh, who instinctively brought his hands to his ears as a way to block out the sound.

“i-”

“i’m so sick of you, josh!” alex began to walk over to the sink, josh using all of his strength to open the sliding glass door.

he felt alex coming up behind him, opening the door in time to meet tyler outside. alex looked at tyler, his face crumbling. josh was scared, mainly because he didn’t know why alex was so obsessed with him all of a sudden, and because now tyler was in harm’s way instead of just him. alex’s breathing began to get heavy again, angry, as the knife clattered to the ground. josh pulled tyler back, lowering his voice.

“run.”

they both began to run as fast as they could out of the backyard. jenna had been waiting for them by the car, the window down just in case she heard anything that wasn’t good. tyler sprinted, making sure josh was in front of him at all times, alex not chasing behind them.

“don’t leave me again, josh! please!” alex called from the yard, jenna’s car visible.

_just a few more feet._

as they ran past the front of the house, alex busted through the front door, shooting his gun at josh, making him stumble backwards and fall into the street. he intentionally missed him, again, not being one to kill.

“josh, why?” alex asked, stalking towards them, when josh blinked at him in fear.

“let me leave.” josh tried.

“i’ve loved you since i saw you. i showed you what it was like. i made lo-”

“shut the fuck up.” josh interrupted him, his blood beginning to boil.

“you didn’t say no.”

“you didn’t get the message from me crying and begging you to stop? that wasn’t enough for you?”

alex sighed, looking at his gun. “i don’t want you to leave, josh. don’t go with tyler. come back to me.”

_“no.”_

**!!!**

alex’s hand began to shake in nerves as he stared down at his gun.

“then if i can’t have you, no one can.” alex shrugged, his vision clouded by rage, pointing his gun in between josh’s eyes.

he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block his head, knowing it wouldn’t help. he heard two gunshots explode through the sky, splitting his ears. he was shaking, yet, he didn’t feel any pain. he opened his eyes, vision trained on the ground, waiting to feel something, but he wasn’t in _any pain._ he looked up, removing his hands from his head, immediately wishing he hadn’t.

tyler was in the street, staring up at the sky. blood trickled from his mouth across his cheek as his breathing became sporadic, trying to calm himself down from shock. his shirt began to turn a maroon, seeping through the bullet wound that pierced his skin. josh’s heart began to beat even faster, his legs growing numb.

“no, no, no.” josh crawled over to tyler, his vision beginning to blur. “ty, no.”

he tried to pick up tyler in his arms as best as he could, hugging him close, as if it would make anything better. tyler coughed, blood staining his lips as he watched the clouds move across the setting sky. josh looked to jenna, who had dropped the gun in her hand, then back to alex lying still on the floor.

jenna had her cell phone pressed to her ear, josh not catching what she was saying as she turned around upon seeing tyler. he assumed she was talking to the paramedics, but he had no idea where they were and if they’d get here in time. his throat felt like it was being squeezed, like he had been stung by a bee. his mouth ran dry as he looked back at tyler, tears flooding down his face.

“ty, it’s okay. we’re going to leave, and you’ll be fine. it’s...it’s just a little shot, right?” josh tried, though his words were more to convince himself than tyler.

he trailed his eyes down to where the blood was coming from, seeing as it was right in the middle of his chest. if tyler was being honest, this hurt like hell, and it’d be a miracle if he was going to be fine.

“josh, i’m sorry.” tyler said weakly, knowing he probably let josh down in some way.

he tried to help, yet josh still was hurt by alex again, under tyler’s watch this time. josh only shook his head, squeezing his eyes as warm tears made their way to the top of his nose, dripping onto tyler’s shirt.

“we’ll be fine. we-we always are.” josh said, looking over tyler’s face.

“th-thank you.” tyler said softly, smiling as best as he could, his dimples indenting his cheeks. “i wouldn’t have any co-colors...if it weren’t for you.”

a sob escaped josh, his hands shaking as tried his best to hold tyler. he felt his entire world cave in, like everything was crashing down on him all at once. he saw tyler’s eyelids begin to get lazy, and he started to panic.

_he could barely breathe._

“josh, i’m tired.” tyler said, looking at him.

“stay awake. come on, ty. _please,_ just stay awake.” josh begged, his lips twisting into a frown as his thoughts began to get to him.

he was trying to keep josh from breaking, trying anything to make sure he’d be alright. he remembered when they would hold each other’s hands before they went to sleep, reaching a trembling, bloodied hand out. he slipped his fingers into josh’s, holding onto it as tight as he could and feeling his eyelids get heavier _by the second._

“jenna, are they coming?” josh asked, jenna blowing out a breath as she looked down the road with puffy eyes.

“soon.”

josh looked at the sky, swallowing thickly when it wasn’t that navy blue anymore.

there must have been something in his eye.

he blinked hard, rubbing his eyes with his free hand to try and clear it away. he couldn’t stop crying when alex’s house wasn’t beige anymore, or when his front lawn stopped being green. he couldn’t stop crying when jenna’s hair wasn’t blonde, or when her car wasn’t red anymore, and _he couldn’t stop crying_ when tyler stopped holding his hand.

it was then when josh decided that heartbreak hurt worse than bullets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. should i put the major character death in the tags? i feel like i should for a warning but idk if it might ruin anything
> 
> not that people care but i mean
> 
> anyways, thank you for reading! please tell me what you think, i'm always down for your opinions :)))
> 
> -love, manda)


	30. {epilogue}

he still couldn’t believe it.

it’s been years, and he still couldn’t believe it.

by now, josh had moved back to ohio with his family and friends, as a way to start over and forget. nothing but terrible memories came from california, and he decided he needed to get away from it.

it was in vain though, as all he thought about was tyler.

he had woken up a few minutes ago, taking a quick shower and starting his breakfast. he put a coffee bucket in the machine, pressing a button and watching as black coffee began to pour into the mug underneath the nozzle. he sighed, opening his fridge and pulling out leftovers from the night before. ember stalked into the kitchen and meowed at josh, her fur long as it danced around when she jumped on the couch. smokey followed her, curling up near the armrest of the couch while she stared up at josh expectantly.

“what, ember?” josh asked, tilting his head slightly to the side.

ember meowed again, getting off of the couch and walking out of the kitchen. josh followed her tail, climbing the stairs of the house. he was confused, watching as she disappeared into his bedroom. once he got there, he blinked at her.

what the hell was she going on about?

she looked up into the closet, at the top shelf where josh kept boxes of stuff he forgot to unpack. they’ve been up there for years, yet he’s never gotten around to seeing what was inside. he followed her gaze, looking into the closet to see three boxes, one of them unopened. he reached up as best as he could, his shirt riding up, taking the unopened box out of the closet.

he sat down in the middle of his bedroom, setting the box in front of him. ember sat right next to him on the floor, watching as he opened the box by the tears and folds in the tape that sealed it.

inside were photo albums, placed loosely in the box, as if they were put in there in a rush. his eyebrows came together in confusion, taking out the first album and looking at the front. it was just a black book, no writing or anything on it. he opened it, almost wishing he hadn’t.

inside were grey polaroid photographs of tyler.

there were some from colorado, some from his birthday, some from every day in between. he bit his lip to keep tears from falling down his cheeks, his heart drenched in sadness as he looked at how happy he was. he flipped through the grey pages, and out of all of these photographs, tyler was never frowning. it brought a bit of joy to josh when he saw tyler, remembering how carefree they were.

they were alright back then.

he’d only known tyler for a short time, now that he was thinking about it, but it was the best almost-year he could’ve had.

a sad smile found its way onto josh’s lips as he scanned each photograph, recalling the exact memory of when it was taken. he even had some pictures of jenna and pete and patrick, even some of his ladies from his old job.

seeing these made him miss california, an upside-down happiness in his heart. they brought back the memories that he didn’t mind keeping with him forever, especially when he saw the pictures of him. josh looked at a particularly funny photograph they’d taken, remembering it like it happened just yesterday.

he didn’t mind flipping through these pages, because for that moment, he couldn’t help but smile when he saw the splashes of color on tyler’s smiling face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A.N. yeeee thank you so much for reading this through! this is literally one of the longest fics i've written sheesh
> 
> but speaking of fics, i've thought of more au's to do, including the fake dating one that some of you guys liked ((it's in my oneshots book, you should read it ;))). if you have any suggestions of stuff you like reading, feel free to tell me! for now, i'm going to work on the twenties one and see if it's doing okay, if not i'll figure something out. 
> 
> ALSO THE TWENTIES ONE IS ALREADY WRITTEN IN CAPS IM SORRY IF THATS AWKWARD BECAUSE LIKE ZERO OF MY FICS ARE CAPITALIZED IM SORRY
> 
> but anyways, thanks for stickin' with it! it means a tON that you take your time to read this, thank you for making this angsty teen happy :')
> 
> -love, manda)

**Author's Note:**

> (A.N. thank you for reading! please, let me know what you think of everything!
> 
> should i start writing more fics like this, that are heavier, or fluffier? maybe a mix of both idk
> 
> don't be afraid to talk to me, y'all :))
> 
> -love, manda)


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